Lifnim meshuras hadin in Chessed

So quickly we spoke about the question that mitzad echad the Rambam following the Ibn Ezra says that the very semantics of the word chesed implies excess, tosefet. Me'idach gisa when HaKadosh Baruch Hu is rav chesed is listed amongst the midos, the drachim of HaKadosh Baruch Hu, which the Rambam defines to be drachim beinonim, not inclined to either extreme. So we suggested that sometimes what's extreme as opposed to what's normal and normative will depend upon one's orientation and one's perspective. And that in a world of entitlement, in a world of what has he done for me that I should be required to reciprocate, so chesed represents an extreme. In a world which is founded as the Rambam proceeds to quote there in that same paragraph on chesed, olam chesed yibane, within such a world so then chesed is taka normative and taka represents the mida habeinonit, the derech habeinonit. A few of you raised a very good question, but where we left off last week was it's still strange that the Torah should describe chesed by an orientation which the Torah doesn't want us to have. At the end of the day, our orientation should be to a world of chesed, olam chesed yibane, not to a world of entitlement, to a world of what demands does he legitimately have on me, but our orientation should be to a world of olam chesed yibane, and if that's the case, so hadur kusha l'duchta, hadur kusha l'duchta. So lichora the answer, let me just give a mashal as follows. We looked at this halacha in a different context recently, the Rambam writes in Perek Vav Hilchos Mamrim Halacha Zayin:

עד היכן כיבוד אב ואם אפילו נטלו כיס של זהובים שלו והשליכוהו לפניו לים לא יכלים אותם ולא יצעק בפניהם ולא יכעוס כנגדם אלא יקבל גזירת הכתוב וישתוק. ועד היכן מוראם אפילו היה לבוש בגדים חמודות ויושב בראש בפני הקהל ובא אביו ואמו וקרעו בגדיו והכוהו על ראשו וירקו בפניו לא יכלים אותן אלא ישתוק ויירא ויפחד ממלך המלכים שציווהו בכך.

So the Rambam describes the extremes to which a person has to be ready to go to be mekayem kibud av v'eim, right? The background to Abaye's comment in Masechet Kiddushin that he feels fortunate that he was an orphan, rachmana litzlan. Then the very next halacha, not coincidentally, the very next halacha the Rambam says: אף על פי שבכך נצטווינו. Even though the chiyuv which is incumbent upon a child vis-a-vis his parents is so far reaching, nevertheless אסור לאדם להכביד עולו על בניו ולדקדק בכבודו עמהם. But as a parent, a parent should not be onerous in any way in the requests, demands, requests, whatever they are, that he makes or that she makes of his or her children,

שלא יביאם לידי מכשול אלא ימחול ויעלים שהאב שמחל על כבודו כבודו מחול.

So basically... Basically what the halacha says here, and the Rambam highlights it by juxtaposing the two halachos, is that we should live by a double standard. We're supposed to live by a double standard as a child vis-a-vis our parents, so the as it were the sky's the limit. Obviously not literally, but the sky's the limit. Meidach gisa as a parent vis-a-vis our children, so then the posture should be האב שמחל על כבודו כבודו מחול. That's the double standard by which a person is supposed to live. This idea of a double standard is not only in the parent-child relationship, but in general, in bein adam lechavero. A person should be ready and willing to do for others, help others, and yet simultaneously a person should strive to be totally independent and not look for the same help in return. So itachen that the kosov hashlishi to what we were talking about in terms of chesed, that on the one hand it's depicted as middas Hashem, as the derech Hashem, as in his interaction with us in the world, it's a derech beinonus. So that means that when a person is doing chesed, so then our attitude should be again as we discussed last week, I'm not doing anything special. I'm not doing anything extreme. I'm not doing anything heroic. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm doing what any Jew would and should do רחמנים בישנים גומלי חסדים. When we're the beneficiaries, when we're on the receiving end, so then we should recognize then the attitude shouldn't be, nu, he's not doing anything special. Then it should be taka the Torah says that's an inyan of chesed. When a person is practicing, when the person is the ba'al chesed, so then rav chesed is one of the middos of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, so our perception, our perspective on it should be it's a derech habeinonus. It's a midah beinonus. But when I'm the beneficiary, so then we should know that what chesed means, chesed is a tosafos. And that should be the hakaras hatov which comes with it. I wanted to come back I hope tonight be'ezras Hashem that we'll finish this unit on chesed and discuss a little bit halacha lema'aseh but not lema'aseh in terms of what some of what we've been talking about means. Halacha lema'aseh in the sense that to share some mareh mekomos. So not halacha lema'aseh anything which any gap there is between the mareh mekomos we discussed and the lema'aseh so I'm not in a position to bridge that gap. The Chofetz Chaim writes in Ahavas Chesed, chelek sheini perek yud-beis:

ומאד צריך להזהר שלא יחסר לו מידת החסד אפילו יום אחד מימי חייו כמו שצריך איש הישראלי להזהר לענין קביעת עתים לתורה בכל יום וחזה מצאתי בספר שער הקדושה חלק ב שער ב למורינו רב חיים ויטאל שכתב שהאדם צריך להתבונן בכל יום ולומר אוי לי שהלך היום בלי תורה וגמילות חסדים ועניינו הוא כי כח הקדושה נשלם על ידי השלושה עמודים תורה ועבודה וגמילות חסדים.

So the Chafetz Chaim says in the footsteps of Rav Chaim Vital that the same way there's a chiyuv to have a keviyas itim for Torah, there shouldn't be a day in our lives without a chessed. Without a chessed. Then a couple of pages later he reiterates

הנה על פי הדברים האלה כשיזבונן האדם בימים שעברו לו מימי חייו ימצא שרובם חסרים ממידה הקדושה הזו ולפעמים חסרים גם מתורה ויראה על כל פנים להתחזק ביתר ימי חייו לקדשם שלא ילך יום אחד בלא תורה וחסד.

Now the emes is if you take a look in the Shulchan Aruch HaRav, in his Hilchos Talmud Torah, not at all clear that the Shulchan Aruch HaRav agrees with this. The Shulchan Aruch HaRav there discusses and we'll come to this a little bit more in a minute bli neder that the Gemara in Moed Katan, the Rambam quotes l'halacha, Shulchan Aruch quotes, says that if a person's learning, so he should be mafsik his learning for a מצוה שאי אפשר להיעשות על ידי אחר, but not for a מצוה שאפשר להיעשות על ידי אחר. If you're learning and you don't attend to this mitzvah, someone else will, so you don't have to be mafsik your learning. If no one else will, so then you do. So the Baal HaTanya says that he thinks that in this context, and he quotes where the rayas that he thinks in the Rishonim for this, that we have to distinguish between the two aspects of mitzvas Talmud Torah, the mitzva of yedias HaTorah and the mitzvah of learning. There's a mitzva, a mitzvah yomis that a person should learn Torah and there's also a mitzva over the course of one's lifetime of yedias HaTorah. And he says that he thinks the Gemara in Moed Katan is only talking about after a person has been mekayem the mitzvah of yedias HaTorah which means that he has a basic bekius, a basic encompassing bekius. But prior to that, so then he says a person shouldn't be mafsik even for a מצוה שאי אפשר להיעשות על ידי אחר. That's what it says in the Shulchan Aruch HaRav. So we'll come back that there are caveats which are some are explicit some are implicit. So pshutam shel devarim is that the Chafetz Chaim again following Rav Chaim Vital is rejecting that view l'halacha and paskening against it. But certainly what the Chafetz Chaim says very unequivocally is certainly that in terms of this kevias that a day of our lives shouldn't pass without a chessed, that that's true throughout the course of our lives at every stage of life. So what does it mean? So maybe I can pater up, I'll hold the elevator for someone or linger a little bit at the door, it won't take too long until you can hold the door open for someone. Sure. And yotzei my keviyas itim. So the pshat is the Chafetz Chaim continues here and says

ולא יהא לפלא איך יוכל לקיים ביום השבת מידת החסד דבאמת חסד כולל עוד הרבה סוגים לבד מהלוואה וכנ"ל בפתיחה.

He says if you go back to the psicha, so there the Chafetz Chaim says I enumerated for you that that halvaah is not the only expression of.

וחסד בין אדם לחברו. תחילת הכל צריך אדם לדעת שגדר גמילות חסדים אינו מונח דוקא על הלואת ממון כמו שסובר איזה אנשים אלא הוא מונח על כל ענייני הטוב שאדם עושה חסד ומיטיב לחברו בחינם. יש שהוא מתחסד עמו בממונו, כגון שמשאיל לו בהמה או כלי או הלואת ממון.

So if you want to potchk up by lending someone your car, the Chofetz Chaim definitely says you can do that, so we have a psak halacha in it.

וזה נקרא בפי חז"ל בשם גמילות חסדים שבממונו. ויש שמתחסד עמו בגופו וגם זה יפול תחת שני סוגים, יש שהוא מיטיב לחיים ויש שהוא מיטיב למתים, לחיים כגון שמכניס אורחים לביתו ומטריח עצמו לפניהם, וכן מצות לויה שמלווה אותם וכן שמחת חתן וכלה וניחום אבלים וכל כהאי גוונא דברים שהוא מיטיב בגופו לחברו החי. ויש גמילות חסדים שבגופו שעושה על המתים, היינו הוצאת המת וההתעסקות בכל צרכי הקבורה, לעשות המיטה ולילך לפניו ולספוד ולחפור ולקבור, כל אלו הכל מכונים בשם גמילות חסדים.

Pshat is, again, even though the smallest thing is a chessed, pshat is that what he's talking about here in חלק ב' פרק י"ב is a substantive chessed. Something with mamashus. Something l'chora of a greater magnitude than holding the door. That's the pshat in the Chofetz Chaim. Even if one were to assume that the Baal HaTanya disagrees with it, even within the view of the Baal HaTanya, so there are several points which are noteworthy. It's said b'shem Rav Shach that when he would hear about a guy in yeshiva who was batteling, so he would tell the mashgiach or tell the Rosh Yeshiva of that yeshiva that they should tell the bochur that he should go to the army. Go to the army. What's the quid pro quo? That the whole heter mitzva he felt not to go to the army is a person's sitting and learning. Person's not sitting and learning, so the fact that the battala's happening in beis medrash doesn't make it a holier endeavor than if the battala's happening outside of the beis medrash. So the emes is any din which is predicated upon the fact that a person is sitting and learning assumes a certain degree of emesdika hasmada without a battala that affects his status as someone who's devoting all his energies to advancing towards yedias HaTorah. It's not clear that with any consistency that I can battel during seder and then say I hold like the Baal HaTanya. I hold like the Baal HaTanya and that since I'm still being osek not just in the mitzva of limud HaTorah but in the mitzva of yedias HaTorah that I'm not supposed to be mafsik for anything. Second thing, even if a person let's say meets the bar there, even if I'm learning with whatever the Baal HaTanya would say is an acceptable level of hasmada without battala, person, again, these are dvorim hamasurim lalev. dvorim hamasurim lalev that v'yoreisa mei-elokecha a person has to be honest with himself in front of HaKadosh Baruch Hu. It's possible for ha-ra'aya. we see it sometimes that a person's involvement with learning can be in a self-centered way. If there's not enough lishma in it, there can be too much of an emphasis on my learning, capital M, and my growth as opposed to the Ribbono Shel Olam's Torah. The more lishma the learning is, obviously the less likely one is to fall into such a trap. But it can happen. It can happen that a person can be rosho verubo in learning in a self-centered way. And lichora it's pashut, pashut that the Baal HaTanya would tell us in such a situation that if I see that happening to me, or if someone else does me the favor of alerting me to the fact that it's happening, and then I realize that what he's telling me is true, so then avada, avada a person has to be okeir that, and mista'ma part of that akira and part of that tikun is that he has to be oseik in chesed and being thinking about others. I think people quote in the name of Rav Schwab zecher tzadik livracha that he had the following experience, I think it was with Rav Yeruchem. I can't vouch that I'm getting the details right, but I think the punchline is as I heard it. That sometimes when the bachurim would go home for Pesach, so Rav Yeruchem would advance them some money to get home. They had no money to get home, so Rav Yeruchem would advance them money. And then when they came back after Yom Tov for the new zman, so then of course, if at all possible if their parents were in a position to give it to them, so they repaid it. So he came back, he repaid Rav Yeruchem the money and he said thank you. And Rav Yeruchem apparently held, it's a din in the poskim that that was a problem of ribbis devarim, and he told him, what are you doing? It's assur to say thank you. Next time he went home, I don't know if it was next year Pesach, I don't know when it was next, so again Rav Yeruchem advanced the money, he came back and he returned the money and he didn't say thank you. And Rav Yeruchem says to him, you're a kfoy tov. So he says, but I thought the mashgiach said that you're not supposed to say thank you. He says, yeah, you're not supposed to say thank you, but you're supposed to feel it. I don't see that you feel it. So even if a person lives his whole life al pi the Baal HaTanya, gevaldig story, ראויים הדברים למי שאמרם, even if a person lives his whole life al pi the Baal HaTanya, and again obviously lahalacha it's not at all pashut that one would follow what it says in the Shulchan Aruch HaRav rather than what the Chafetz Chaim says, but even if one were to do that, one would have to do it with Rav Yeruchem's commentary. One would have to do it with Rav Yeruchem's commentary that the teshuka to do for others is there, but the Ribbono Shel Olam said that my avoda at this stage of my life is to be in the beis medrash. And if the teshuka should be there to say thank you, even if I'm not supposed to say thank you, but that feeling, that teshuka has to be there. Baal HaTanya himself also talks about how this applies to, I believe, double check this please, but I think he says also there in Kuntres Acharon that these gedarim apply, don't apply to everyone. They only apply to someone who has the capacity to ultimately arrive at the stage of שיהיו דברי תורה מחודדים בפיך, to be a baki from Berachos to Uktzin. And the Baal HaTanya clearly in contradistinction to another Some people based on the Gemara in Megillah he says some people the Ribono Shel Olam gives the gives the the the ability the bracha to be able to have such an attainment and to others Ribono Shel Olam doesn't. It's not necessarily the case that the Ribono Shel Olam gave everyone that capacity and he says that these hakdamos of that learning takes precedence even to מצוה שאפשר לעשותה על ידי אחרים until a person has finished with the mitzvah of yedias HaTorah is only assuming that he belongs to that class of people who are going to finish the whole and he clearly says that not everyone does. Also devarim hamesurim lalev in terms of self-knowledge of which which group which class do I belong to. And finally I also wanted to to return just for a minute to something we spoke about one of the first weeks we commented al pi the Gemara in Brachos and then saw that be'emes the Chofetz Chaim himself actually says it that in bein adam l'chavero there's also an inyan of lifnim mishuras hadin. It's also something which lends itself to being mehader and being mehader is not only extra hiddurim and dikdukim in tallis tefillin lulav matzah but bein adam l'chavero also an inyan to be mehader to go lifnim mishuras hadin to be more and more medakdek. To try to give one or two examples and then תן לחכם ויחכם עוד. Take one example let's say from the realm of kibbud av v'eim and one example from chessed in other bein adam l'chavero relationships and situations. Let's say if if the father of the mother says hashkini mayim, that's a mitzvah of kibbud av v'eim. And let's say the father of the mother doesn't say. But you know that that after the Shabbos meal you know that your father likes to drink a cup of tea. So is there a chiyuv of of kibbud av to or kibbud aim to go go bring the the tea as long as the parent doesn't ask? I don't know. Probably not I would think as no no no chiyuv. Is it a hiddur in kibbud av v'eim if if I know if I know that my parent would enjoy the cup of tea? Is it a hiddur טרם יקראו ואני אענה? Lichora definitely yes. And let's say you have a guest over at the at the at the Shabbos table and you you serve and and you tell him help yourself please. He had one helping help yourself take seconds but if you sense that maybe he's going to feel self-conscious and maybe he's going to feel too shy but but you can have a chush and he's not going to he had one piece of kugel he's not going to mistama he's not going to faint if he doesn't have the second piece of kugel mistama he's had enough but you have a chush you have a chush that he would appreciate it and and again I don't know is there But you see that you can do the chesed in even better ways. So you'll just, again, obviously taking a situation where you're pretty sure about this, so you reach over and you'll put the extra piece of kugel on his plate. Not just tell him, you know, if you like, please help yourself, you'll just take the liberty of filling his glass without, if you have a sense that maybe it's going to be a little bit uncomfortable for him, it's going to be a little bit shy about doing it. So you have a simcha, say you're making a bris. So it's a type of, so no, no place cards, no place cards at a bris. And you sort of notice someone who's still standing around, hasn't sat down yet, so I don't know if there's a chiyuv to be cheshboning, oh, is maybe he hasn't been able to find an open seat, maybe he's again not comfortable asking whether not this seat is taken. So I don't know, maybe in that case there's even a chiyuv, but a hiddur of the zechus. I think Rav Goldvicht told me once בשם רב שלמה זלמן that he commented on the pasuk of אשרי משכיל אל דל. It should be אשרי חונן את דל. So what's אשרי משכיל אל דל is that a person has to invest effort thinking about how to help the dal in the best possible way. There can be again baseline acceptable ways of helping the dal, but then if a person's maskil, he can come up with an even better way. And l'chora, this is some of what it means to try and, again, not just engage in chesed, but even to be mehader.