Case Studies: Ga’ava, Sadness

So what we want to discuss tonight in terms of our working on Tikkun Hamiddos according to the method which we've been discussing, are Gaivah and Atzvos. So what happens when a person makes a Cheshbon Hanefesh and sees signs of Gaiva in himself? He knows that he feels arrogant at times, has a smug sense of superiority, and it's manifest in sometimes a sense of bittul or contemptuousness that he'll have towards others. Sometimes it will just be manifest in terms of just projecting himself, being very loud, being rodeif achar hakavod. So if a person sees any of these signs within himself indicative of Gaivah, so what yesodos is it that a person again should be trying to internalize to counter this? So in order to understand this, you have to have a very precise definition and understanding of what exactly Gaiva consists of, what the essence of Gaiva is. The Gemara at the end of Sotah with which you're all familiar, where the Gemara lists when various of the Chachmei HaMesorah were niftar that batla a certain middah. So the Gemara says that who is it, Rav Yosef I don't remember, who says that lo teima anavah, don't say that the middah of anavah has been biteila, because de'ika ana. So the kasha is obvious and well known. How can a person be aware of his own anavah? It seems to be a tartei desasrei. Now the Rambam in Hilchos De'os in discussing the issur of Gaivah and in saying that Gaivah and kaas are the two exceptions to the halacha that a person is supposed to look for the derech habeinonis, the derech hamemutza'as, the Rambam quotes a ma'amar chazal that seems to be his girsa in the Gemara in Sotah,

ועוד אמרו שכל המגביה לבו כופר בעיקר, שנאמר ורם לבבך ושכחת את ה' אלקיך.

Now this ma'amar chazal, again the Rambam's version of this ma'amar chazal, is absolutely incredible, absolutely incredible. How so? Because there are many ma'amarei chazal with equations. Within this halacha gufa we have examples, כל הכעס כאילו עובד עבודה זרה, many such equations in Chazal. But Chazal always indicate that it's tantamount to, it's the equivalent of, but it's not a real rigorous equation. It's kol haka'as, it's not הרי זה עובד עבודה זרה, it's כאילו עובד עבודה זרה. Again, so if we were translating, the correct translation would be "it's tantamount to", but it's not actually. Again, in the example of kaas, it's not actually avodah zarah. And what's so absolutely remarkable about the Rambam's girsa here is ועוד אמרו שכל המגביה לבו כופר בעיקר is that there's no kaf hadimyon. There's no downgrading it to "similar to", "tantamount to". No, it is. It is. There's a rigorous equation between magbia libo, between Gaiva and kopher be'ikar. How are we to understand that? So the answer lachora is as follows. Not in context of this Rambam, but in a different context, so I heard from Rav Sachs zecher livracha, he says people conventionally misunderstand what anavah is, what ga'avah is. They think that a person's a ba'al ga'avah if he thinks that he's the biggest ilui in the world, the biggest talmid chacham in the world, and he's not. And they think that he's a big anav if a person thinks he doesn't know anything when he really knows a lot. And he said that's not correct. He said if a person thinks he knows more than he really does, his problem is not ga'avah, his problem is that he's delusional. It's not a problem of ga'avah. And if a person underestimates himself, so that's foolishness, that's not anavah, that's foolishness. But rather what distinguishes ga'avah from anavah is that both of them have what a person should have, which is an accurate self-perception. A person should know himself. A person should know what kochos he has. A person should know himself. But a ba'al ga'avah has a sense of kochi ve'otzem yadi, whereas an anav has a sense that whatever I have is from the Ribbono Shel Olam and that there's no kochi ve'otzem yadi. And that's the distinction between ga'avah and between anavah. Again, a ba'al ga'avah feels autonomous. He feels independent. As such, he's therefore misga'eh, he's misga'eh at how smart he is, he's misga'eh at how much money he's making, he's misga'eh at how much fame he has achieved, he's misga'eh at anything, at anything. A person who is an anav recognizes that everything he has comes from the Ribbono Shel Olam. Whatever abilities he has, whatever energies he has, and whatever success the Ribbono Shel Olam has allowed him to achieve with those abilities, with those energies, is all from HaKadosh Baruch Hu. And that's what distinguishes a ba'al ga'avah from an anav. Memela, coming back to the Rambam, so we understand when the Rambam says that kol hamagbiha libo is not ke'ilu kofer ba'ikar, Rachmana litzlan, but is kofer ba'ikar. To be kofer ba'ikar means to deny, again, when the Rambam at the beginning of Hilchos Yesodei HaTorah explains what the העיקר הגדול שהכל תלוי בו is, it's that only HaKadosh Baruch Hu exists absolutely and independently, and everything else, everything else from the, every inanimate object, every ba'al chai, every person, everyone else is absolutely dependent upon HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Now for a person to be misga'eh, again, which means to have a sense of kochi ve'otzem yadi, is, again, not ke'ilu, but is really to deny that העיקר הגדול שהכל תלוי בו. Hence the Rambam's very sobering formulation that kol hamagbiha libo is kofer ba'ikar. It's probably for this reason that you find in some of the seforim, the Tomer Devorah says this, the Orchos Tzaddikim has, that ga'avah is considered the, the middah ra'ah which is the shoresh of all middos ra'os because of all middos ra'os, lichora it's ga'avah which most distorts the person's relationship with HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Just parenthetically, this more, again, in terms of the lamdus of what we're talking about, not so much the tikkun hamiddos side. So then the question is what does it mean when we say that anavah is one of the middos of the Ribbono Shel Olam? If this is takeh the definition of anavah, so then it should really follow that anavah is only something that you could predicate of a human being. It shouldn't be able what does it mean when we say העוז והענוה לחי עולמים? Or in other contexts when you talk about

במקום שאתה מוצא גדולתו של הקדוש ברוך הוא. שם אתה מוצא ענוותנותו.

V'l'chora, this should be one middah, again, which can only exist in a yatzur. It shouldn't be able to exist in a yotzer, the yotzer. So l'chora, one has to just, again, slightly change the emphasis, but the same basic definition is that an anav is not machzik tova l'atzmo, as in

אם למדת תורה הרבה אל תחזיק טובה לעצמו כי לכך נוצרת.

So let's substitute that for our original definition of anavah, that an anav is not machzik tova l'atzmo. Now, with the Ribono Shel Olam, so that middah exists despite the fact that everything is kocho v'otzem yado, as it were. That that middah of not being machzik tova l'atzmo and, on the contrary, being noseh avon v'pesha, so that middah, again, we certainly do observe in HaKadosh Baruch Hu's interaction with the world. Now, when a person emulates that, so for a person that middah is to be rooted in the sense that there's in the awareness that there's no kochi v'otzem yadi. But l'chora, again, the essence of not being machzik tova l'atzmo, so that common denominator that we can predicate of HaKadosh Baruch Hu, and again, but ein hachinami, when we emulate it, it's anchored really, when you think of it, it's a more pale version of the middah, right? Not to be machzik tova l'atzmo when that's the reality is, again, just a pale imitation of HaKadosh Baruch Hu's not being machzik tova l'atzmo, when really one, again, objectively there is reason to do so. And that's just parenthetical. Al kol panim, if a person detects within himself gaivah, so the basic basic hashkafa of Torah which, again, through the method of Mesillas Yesharim and others simply needs to be reinforced hachazara v'hahasmoda time and time again, ultimately b'ezras Hashem resulting in internalizing v'yasov el libo, again, is this notion of being absolutely dependent on HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Now here I just want to clarify for a moment that this emphasis on that there's no kochi v'otzem yadi does not mean to in any way downplay the importance of hishtadlus in every realm. It doesn't mean to downplay the importance of hishtadlus in Talmud Torah, in one's avodas Hashem, in one's ruchnius. It doesn't mean to downplay the importance of hishtadlus in seeking a parnassa. But what it does mean is that a person should never ever make the mistake of thinking that hishtadlus and attainment are cause and effect with nothing else involved. That it's my hishtadlus, again, it's my business acumen which is responsible for my fortune. And it's my hard work which is responsible for being a successful doctor. No, of course a person is supposed to make hishtadlus, and without hishtadlus the Ribono Shel Olam doesn't give the hatzlacha, but the essence of middas ha'anavah, again, the antithesis of gaivah is recognizing that that hishtadlus number one is made, Rabbeinu Yonah in Pirkei Avos has the lashon of hasechel matana, that whatever hishtadlus a person is making he's making with what the Ribono Shel Olam gives him, and that number two, even when the Ribono Shel Olam gives him, it's only the Ribono Shel Olam then allows that hishtadlus to be crowned with success. He crowns it with success. Again, our hishtadlus is mandated, but a person should never ever fall into the trap of thinking that it's direct cause and effect without the Ribono Shel Olam bringing about the hatzlacha. And it's that which a person needs to internalize, and because of the Torah's emphasis on the importance of hishtadlus. It's more difficult to internalize. Right? If we were told to sit back passively, so then then there would not be as much of an illusion of kochi ve-otzem yadi. But precisely because we're told to make hishtadlus, that magnifies the illusion of kochi ve-otzem yadi and it's absolutely critical that a person, again, work at internalizing this basic hashkafa. Now the fact that again, as the Orchos Tzaddikim and others say, that this midda is so central, certainly implies, again, in terms of halacha l'maaseh, right? Sometimes we wonder, a person makes a cheshbon hanefesh and has a long list of midos that he has to be mesaken, has a long list of midos that he has to be mesaken. So what should have a din kadima? Again, it's important to understand that a person קובץ על יד ירבה, things have to be done gradually. A person can't do everything at once. So certainly the centrality of the, again, positive midda of anava and the destructiveness of the midda of ga'ava certainly suggest that it should have a din kadima in terms of one's tikun hamidos. And again, as we've already really illustrated, again, for instance when we were talking about ka'as, the fact that, again, one's lack of awareness of the Ribono Shel Olam and again, in anav by definition constantly being aware of his dependence upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that's obviously a form of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד, that that is relevant to so many other midos as well, hence it certainly should have a din kadima. Wanted to begin discussing tonight a little bit the midda of atzvus. Now, in talking about atzvus, it's important to repeat the modaa which we made at the outset, that having correct hashkafos is sometimes the entire solution, but sometimes only part of the solution. And I certainly don't mean to suggest that sadness, or if it's more intense to the point of depression, is going to be solved purely by having correct hashkafos, again depending upon how deep or intense it is. So either this is a hashkafa which has to be complemented and supplemented by other eitzos as well, or at sometimes it will be enough by itself. And again, we'll mention let's say tonight two or three scenarios, and again, but it's, again, tikun hamidos has to be individualized and there are many, many countless such scenarios. Let's begin with an easy case of atzvus. Sometimes people the trigger, well first of all, again, before proceeding, that atzvus, in fact, is a midda meguna, something which requires tikun, is clear.

תחת אשר לא עבדת את ה' אלהיך בשמחה ובטוב לבב מרב כל.

So the Torah says a person has to be besimcha. A person is supposed to be oved Hashem besimcha. The Rambam at the end of Hilchos Lulav,

השמחה שישמח האדם בעשיית המצוות עבודה גדולה וכל המונע עצמו משמחה זו ראוי להפרע ממנו ככתוב תחת אשר לא עבדת. מענינא דיומא חסידות מאי דטייטש

that משנכנס אדר מרבים בשמחה and משנכנס אב ממעטין בשמחה. So they teitch that what it means is, that you see from the lashon of marbim besimcha and this is mema'atin besimcha, that a person's always besimcha. Just in Av a person is mema'et that simcha and in Adar he's marbe the simcha, but a person, the constant state of affairs is that a person is besimcha. So clearly, clearly. And again, it's something that we know empirically as well, that we know from our own experience that if a person is ba'atzvus so it saps his strength also. It drains his energies and a person can't be productive when he's in a state of atzvus. That's something which we all know from personal experience. So what does a person do to respond? What again, what hashkafos are either the entire solution or part of the solution depending upon the case? So to take a simple but common case, sometimes the trigger for again ba'atzvus can be sadness, it can be stronger, it can be depression, whatever it is. Sometimes the atzvus is triggered by adversity. The adversity, the adversity can be that a shidduch doesn't work out, that a person very much had his heart set on, it can be that certain professional plans are foiled. A person had a certain graduate school, medical school, whatever in mind, and works hard and it doesn't, it doesn't come to fruition. At a later stage in life, it can be a decline which often accompanies old age. Atzvus can be triggered by adversity. A sense of frustration with the reality that's been imposed upon a person. And here, very similar to the Ibn Ezra's approach to Lo Sachmod, the hashkafa which one has to reinforce and internalize is hashgacha pratis. And that is, if a person makes his hishtadlus, and אף על פי כן the shidduch doesn't work, and אף על פי כן the person doesn't gain acceptance into medical school, so it's not only counterproductive and destructive, but it's wrong for the person to torture himself thinking that he missed the best shidduch for him, that he missed again realizing his destiny of becoming a doctor. If a person makes his hishtadlus and the shidduch doesn't go and he doesn't gain acceptance into medical school, so that's not happenstance, that's not incidental. What it means is that for whatever reason, a person thought that this was the right thing and therefore he correctly pursued it, and the Ribono Shel Olam is sending him a message that that's not the right thing for you. Now maybe the person can decipher what the gam zu letovah is now, maybe he'll decipher it in ten years from now, maybe he'll never decipher it. But

כל מה דעביד רחמנא לטב עביד. כל אשר יקרהו מטוב ועד רע הוא סיבה שטובה עליו מאת השם ברוך הוא.

If a person tries for a shidduch and the shidduch doesn't work, so in retrospect a person is always supposed to be happy. In retrospect, a person is always supposed to be besimcha because he knows that what the Ribono Shel Olam orchestrated is the right result and there's no room for that self-flagellation, for that torturing that I missed the shidduch which would have been good for me, that I missed medical school which was my calling. Other times a person has atzvus, this is already more complicated and ninety-nine percent of the time, or whatever the percentage is, probably the hashkafa is not sufficient but is only a part of the package, a part of the solution. A person just feels overwhelmed. A person feels that he can't cope. Can't cope with again whatever his work, balancing work and family and school, just feels overwhelmed. Now again we're not going to discuss all the other components to the solution. That's not, that's not what our focus is. But again, please be aware that that's not to imply that there aren't other components. Maybe there's a reality, maybe he is doing too much. But assuming again that we're dealing with a case that a person just doesn't feel. to know that the Gemara says in Sanhedrin a person is not supposed to be מביא עצמו לידי נסיון. However, as the Mesillas Yesharim says, our entire life is a nisayon; he uses the imagery of milchama even, which Hakadosh Baruch Hu imposes upon us. But the yesod is that Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not bring a nisayon on a person that he doesn't have the kochos hanefesh to withstand. And that's something that a person has to remember again, whenever a person feels again, whether it's everyday life that's overwhelming, whether it's a machala rachmana litzlan for someone in the family or oneself rachmana litzlan, a person just feels this is too much, I can't cope with this, so a person has to know that the Ribono Shel Olam does not give anyone a nisayon that he cannot withstand. And if I, you, someone is being tested, it's because we have the kochos hanefesh which perhaps we haven't tapped until now, but we have the kochos hanefesh to deal with this nisayon. And again that's something, that's the yesod which the chazara and the hasmada a person has to internalize again as one component in recognizing that a person can cope, that he's not overwhelmed. And the last scenario of atzvus I just wanted to mention tonight, sometimes people are very demoralized, depressed because of a sense of inferiority, a sense of being less than others. Very often we look around in the beis medrash and see others who are more accomplished than we are. And what's more often it's the case that we realize that the difference is not simply that that person works hard and I don't work hard, but even if I worked hard, I just don't, I could never match what that person is. And that's often, again, this is just an example but it applies in others just to illustrate a general type of feeling, and it gives a person very low self-esteem, feelings of inferiority. Now here the hashkafos which a person needs to reinforce, the Gemara in Brachos again, quoted in Menachos as well, about אחד המרבה ואחד הממעיט ובלבד שיכוין לבו לשמים. Right, al tomar, right, chaveiri is melachto basadeh; he's out working in the field all day, he doesn't learn as much, so al tomar that I'm superior to him, because אחד המרבה ואחד הממעיט ובלבד שיכוין לבו לשמים. A person is never ever supposed to measure himself against someone else. A person is supposed to measure himself against what abilities and opportunities that the Ribono Shel Olam has given him. That's how the Ribono Shel Olam evaluates us and that's how we're supposed to evaluate ourselves. That someone else was given a better memory, that someone else was given a more incisive intellect, that someone else was given a more winning personality beteva, so that's the Ribono Shel Olam's decision. It's no, it's no positive reflection on him, it's no negative reflection on me. And this again, this, this tendency to measure ourselves against others, again, it's antithetical to these basic hashkafos. That's what the Ribbono Shel Olam wants, whether the Gemara in Taanis, right, who's describing this person who was so m'choar, right, and he says, go tell the artisan who formed me, how כמה מכוער כלי זה. So a person has to realize that being יצור כפו של הקדוש ברוך הוא, so there is ultimate value in what he is with whatever kochos and kishronos a person has. A person has to find out what the best outlet is for those kochos and kishronos, but never ever to measure himself against someone else. It's good to get chizuk from someone else. It's good to learn middos tovos from other people, but never ever to measure oneself against others and again, when that is the trigger for the sense of atzvus, that's the hashkafa which needs to be internalized. Bli neder next week, I hope to do two things. Number one, to talk a little bit about what a person does when in the course of his cheshbon hanefesh he realizes that he's not enough of a baal chesed. And number two, I'd also like to come back and elaborate a little bit on the last hearah that we made last week, which wasn't presented clearly enough and to explain what I was trying to say there.