Yom Kippur; Making Teshuva Last

Yom Kippur is the simcha that we experience in the anticipation of mechilat avonos. That's one of Rabbeinu Yonah's reasons for the מצוות אכילה ערב יום כיפור, that it's a simcha at the impending mechilat avonos. Me'idach gisa, Yom Kippur, so that quality of Yom Kippur is something which is intrinsic to the day. Then there's another quality to Yom Kippur which is not intrinsic to the day, but sometimes seems like it's almost intrinsic to us, which is that Yom Kippur can be very depressing. What's depressing about Yom Kippur is that a person says the Al Chet, a person thinks about the various aveiros which are included in the rubrics of the Al Chet, and a person is haunted by the memory that you know what, I had a clap Al Chet for these chata'im last year and two years ago and three years ago and four years ago, and if you're my age you can say 20 years ago and 30 years ago, and I'll let you guess beyond that. And it's depressing. Now it doesn't mean that last year's teshuvah, five years ago's teshuvah, ten years ago's teshuvah was insincere. It doesn't mean that we failed the Rambam's test of יעיד עליו יודע תעלומות שלא ישוב לזה החטא לעולם, which the Lechem Mishneh says means that besha'ato it's sincere. So the question is if besha'ato the teshuvah was sincere, so why is it that year after year we have this depressing experience of you know, I had a clap Al Chet for these very same chata'im last year as well? Well when the Rishonim talk about teshuvah, so the Rishonim talk about teshuvah in a very practical sense. Very, very practical. Rabbeinu Yonah at the beginning of Sha'arei Teshuvah talks again on a very practical level about the danger of being me'acher in teshuvah, that one allows the chet to become entrenched, one is more likely to be nichshal the next time. Rabbeinu Bachya in Chovos HaLevavos talks about mafsidei hateshuvah on a very practical level. And perhaps the one of the most important statements in this context, Rabbeinu Yonah writes at the end of Yesod HaTeshuvah, this is the very end of Yesod HaTeshuvah. He says after listing various strategies how to be me'orer atzmo liteshuvah, how to implement teshuvah, so then Rabbeinu Yonah writes here at the end of Yesod HaTeshuvah, לכן כל איש הירא וחרד. A person with yiras shamayim, yiras ha'onesh, chared lidvar Hashem,

ישוב אל לבו יראת הבורא וישוב מכל חטאיו ויכין לו לב חדש וטהור ונקי לעבודת בוראו.

We later will come back to that phrase. וינהג את עצמו בכל אשר אמרנו. He should follow all the strategies that have been outlined.

ועוד יוסיף כהנה וכהנה ויהיה ערום ביראה לחשב מחשבות איך יוכל ליראת השם הנכבד והנורא.

Rabbeinu Yonah says a person has to be orum beyirah. The phrase is from the Gemara in Berachos. The Gemara in Berachos daf yud zayin says that a person is supposed to be orum beyirah. What does it mean to be orum beyirah? So the Sefer Chasidim gives a very, very fundamental, very yesodostik explanation. Orum beyirah means, Sefer Chasidim comments in Parshas Matos, it says that when they come back from the milchama against Midian, ויקצוף משה על פקודי החיל ויאמר החייתם כל נקבה? Did you spare the women?

הן הנה היו לבני ישראל בדבר בלעם למסור מעל בהשם

that they were the provocateurs, they were the ones who induced Klal Yisrael to sin. So how could you have spared them? And Moshe Rabbeinu gives it to them. So the Sefer Chassidim has a very good question. He says if you look when Moshe Rabbeinu sent them out to fight against Midian, he never told them to kill the women. So what does Moshe Rabbeinu have tainos against them? So the Sefer Chassidim refers to this Gemara in Berachos לעולם יהא אדם ערום ביראה. He says what does it mean that a person has to be cunning or with his yiras yiras Shamayim? So the Sefer Chassidim says a person can't be so literal and say show me the Shulchan Aruch, show me the the the line in the Gemara where it says that I'm mechuyav to do this. A person is supposed to get a sense for what ratzon Hashem is from everything which is meforash black and white and a person is supposed to know how to extrapolate from that and apply to that. Ein hachi nami, Moshe Rabbeinu never told them, but Moshe Rabbeinu says you should've known, you should've understood. And that's what the Sefer Chassidim says is the psat in arum beyirah. A very, very yesodisdike psat. Rabbeinu Yonah here says the same psat differently, but also a very, very important yesod. Rabbeinu Yonah says to be arum beyirah, cunning yirah means that it's not enough for a person to say well the Torah is mechayev me in Teshuva, I'm going to do Teshuva. The Torah is mechayev me to have yiras Shamayim, I'm going to have yiras Shamayim. לעולם יהא אדם ערום ביראה means that a person has to be cunning and strategizing how he's going to be able to carry that out. Because it's all fine and good for a person to say I'm going to do Teshuva, but a person has to be cunning in terms of crafting a strategy of how it's going to be realistic and how he's going to be successful in his attempt to do Teshuva. משל למה הדבר דומה there's a there's a leak in the roof. So a person's going to come give a clop, there's not going to be anymore I'm determined that there shouldn't be any more leaks in the roof. So the determination is very nice, but but if he doesn't if he doesn't get a roofer to figure out where exactly the the leak is coming from and he doesn't get a roofer to figure out how the the roof is supposed to be patched and with what kind of materials it should be patched, so that determination no matter how sincere and no matter how strong is not going to yield any results. A person has to be arum beyirah, a person has to be very practical and very cunning in its most positive sense in terms of having a strategy of how to do Teshuva. One of the reasons that that Yom Kippur instead of just being the source of optimism and renewal, which it should be, can also be somewhat depressing for us is that we're not sufficiently arum beyirah when it comes to mitzvas Teshuva. We're not sufficiently arum beyirah in terms of yeah, so we sincerely resolve I'm nischarat and I'm nisbayesh כי עשיתי כך וכך לעולם איני חוזר לדבר זה, but we're not arum beyirah in why did it happen and and how practically what steps can I take to see to it that it doesn't recur? So what what are the what are some of the the strategies, some of the steps that we can take to be arum beyirah in terms of mitzvas Teshuva? I just want to mention a few, the the list is not exhaustive. First of all, a person should learn as much as possible about the chait in which he was nichshal. A person should learn about the chait in which he was nichshal. In so doing, a person learns about the chomer hachait. He learns about just the severity of the chait. Rabbeinu Yonah talks about this even in generic terms, that part of doing Teshuva is that a person should have a sense for the chomer of any chait. That just generically, any chait a person should realize is just unthinkable that a person should should betray Hakadosh Baruch Hu's trust. That a person should should be משלם רע תחת טובה should repay Hakadosh Baruch Hu gives us gives us life, gives us existence and and that a person should should violate devar Hashem. So a person should think even regardless of what the individual chait is. But a person should also try to get insight into the specific chait. If a person is nichshal in issur lashon hara, so he should read all the ma'amarei chazal which the Chofetz Chaim is melaiket about issur lashon hara. He should read the Chofetz Chaim writes how the Chazal say that that a person talks lashon hara, so all his zechuyos are given to the person about whom he spoke lashon hara and he loses those zechuyos. Pachad, mammash pachad. How does that help in terms of doing Teshuva? Because there's a a klal gadol in human psychology. And that is, I'll give you a mashal. Basically, it's Chazal's mashal that Rashi quotes at the beginning of Parshas Acharei Mos. The doctor tells you, the doctor tells you that your cholesterol level is high, so you have to watch out for foods which have high cholesterol. Fine. So if he tells you, "Now it would be a good idea if you would lower your cholesterol," but you really, really enjoy steak, you really, really enjoy eggs, and the doctor said, "You know, it would be a good idea if you would lower your cholesterol level." Okay. So he only awakened within you a rather mild ratzon to carry out his orders and to lower your cholesterol level. It's not clear that that's going to be enough to overcome your natural enjoyment and your natural taiva for the steak, for the eggs. If the doctor says, "Look, statistically people with your cholesterol level have an 80% chance of having a severe heart attack, which if they're lucky, they survive with heart damage, and if they're not lucky, they die." So then, you still enjoy the steak just as much, you still have the same natural inclination to the steak and to the eggs, but then he aroused such a determination within the patient that it's going to overcome and it's going to override that desire, that yetzer hora for the steak, for the eggs, which is basically Rashi quotes at the beginning of Parshas Acharei Mos: אחרי מות שני בני אהרן בקרבתם לפני ה׳ וימתו. So Rashi says it's one thing for the doctor to say, "Be careful not to catch a cold." It's another thing if the doctor says, "Don't catch a cold because the cold can lead to pneumonia and then you can die rachmana litzlan like so-and-so died from that progression of events." So it's one thing if a person has a sense of cheit, but that sense of cheit is "Okay, so I talked a little loshon hora. Okay, I talked a little loshon hora." So a person has that perception, that perspective on the aveira. So commensurate to that, mida keneged mida, that's how much of a ratzon and a determination he has to be mesaken, to do teshuva and to avoid that aveira l'haba. But if a person has a notion, "Gevald! I talked loshon hora!" what the Chofetz Chaim writes about the chomer ha'avon of loshon hora is such a pachad. Such a pachad. So now the person doesn't just have a little bit of a determination, a mild desire to be mesaken that cheit and to avoid it in the future. Now it's the most important thing in the world to him. It's yehareg v'al ya'avor that he shouldn't be nichshal again. So for a person to study and a person to learn, again, whatever it is we're working on, we're working on loshon hora, we're working on shmiras einayim, histaklus b'arayos, whatever, the mida of ka'as, whatever, whatever we're working on. But to understand, it's one thing to think ka'as is a mida meguna. It's another thing to understand that

כל הכועס כאילו עובד עבודה זרה וכל מיני גיהנום שולטים בו.

It awakens a different, a different determination, a different resolve. And zeh haklal, nakat b'yadcha, there are two variables in terms of overcoming challenges. One is the magnitude of the challenge, so that's more or less objective. But the other variable is exactly how strong the resolve and the determination is to overcome that challenge. And that depends upon, again, whether or not the lowering the cholesterol is bevechinas a good idea, or whether or not it's dinei nefashos. And if the doctor impresses upon the patient that it's dinei nefashos, the objective challenge is the same, but now what's countering it is a much stronger, a much stronger force. And in general, in general in life, even things that we sometimes classify as impossible. Sometimes you have people and you suggest to them or it's suggested to them, "You know, you should be more makpid in tefilla b'tzibbur." And they tell you with all sincerity, "I can't. My work schedule is such, it's impossible. How in the world am I supposed to davven Mincha b'tzibbur in the winter? It's just impossible." Then, rachmana litzlan, they become aveilim, they have a chiyuv. And all of a sudden, it becomes possible. All of a sudden, it becomes possible. I have the same job and the place of work is the same distance from the nearest mincha minyan. But ech'shehu it becomes possible, that it becomes possible to schedule one's lunch at work to chap a mincha gedola somewhere. Ech'shehu it becomes possible to go into the office on Sunday and because of that to leave early in time for mincha. So often without we don't even realize it, often our definition of what's possible and what's impossible, even that depends upon how strong of a determination and how strong of a resolve and conviction there is to overcome something. And sometimes we mistake what's difficult, what's exceedingly difficult, with impossible. And the difference is just how determined we are. Baruch Hashem, people have a sense of kibbud av va'em and rachmana litzlan when they're in that position, so they have a very, very strong determination. And that shows, you know what, all along it really has been possible. A person shouldn't wait for that kind of impetus to discover what's truly possible. So too by learning about the chomer ha'aveira, it strengthens our resolve, it strengthens the determination and then it's going to become stronger than the counterforce of the yetzer hara of the challenge. There is another direct benefit of learning about the cheit, the halachos, the agadah about the cheit, and that is as follows. I think the story is told, I don't know about whom, about what, about one of the chasidim, anshei ma'aseh that the benei belial wanted to machshil him, they wanted to expose him as a fraud, so they paid a woman to try to induce him to be chotei. And he reacted with revulsion and later they asked him, how could it be? Mela you were misgaber, but that you were so revolted? So he said, what's the question? He said, what I saw before me is I saw that this is a woman who lives off a diet of neveilos, treifos, and beheima temeia and the whole it was just such a revolting thing that it caused me to run away. Basically the story in a very different different type of way sort of illustrates the idea which the Rav describes in Ish HaHalacha. Rav describes how when an ish hahalacha goes out to the world, so he sees the world and he experiences the world through the lens of halacha. So when he sees a ma'ayan, when he sees a spring, he doesn't just see water, but he sees a mishnah in maseches mikvaos about how a ma'ayan is metaher b'chol shehu, that by a ma'ayan you don't need a shiur of mem seah and how a ma'ayan is metaher b'zochalin. It doesn't have to be still waters like a mikveh does, but even the flowing waters if it's a ma'ayan. That's what he sees. He tells the story with his father about shkia on Yom Kippur, how his father says לא ראיתי שקיעה זו כראיית השקיעות של שאר השנה that this one is mechaperes al avayros. If a person learns, if a person learns again shemiras halashon and shemiras einayim, so maybe what what previously was an alluring piece of gossip, piece of news, now becomes a pachad. So before again, there was an allure to it. There was an allure to it because we have a weakness, we have a weakness to gossip, to listen to gossip. So there's an allure to it. A person learns about it a lot, again and again and again, so then he sees the world the way the Rav says we should see the world. So the gossip is the gossip is a pachad. So learning about it undercuts the yetzer hara. Not only does it strengthen the resolve to overcome the yetzer hara, but learning, understanding about the chomer of whatever my chato'im are, whatever I need to be mesaken in anticipation of Yom Kippur, it also undercuts that same yetzer hara. Get it, depend if you count this is one or two, so the second, a third strategy. A person just has to be very practical. The Rambam writes in Perek Beis of Hilchos Teshuvah when he talks about the darkei hateshuvah, when he talks about the lifestyle of a person doing teshuvah, so the Rambam writes that מרחק הרבה מן הדבר שחטא בו. It means a person again just has to be very practical in terms of his encounter with the source of his aveirah. So let’s say a person wants to work on davening with more kavanah. So again, just to give a clap on the stender or on one's heart and say it's a terrible thing that I don't daven with kavanah and I'm determined to daven with kavanah is like saying it's a terrible thing that the roof leaks and the roof is not going to leak anymore or the roof is not going to leak anymore. The roof is going to continue leaking. A person has to be orum b’yirah, okay, so how am I going to be mesaken, how am I going to facilitate davening with kavanah? How am I going to facilitate davening with kavanah? A person has to think about the adverse effect that it has upon us when we're not on time for davening, that you can't rush into davening and expect to and then we should expect that we're going to be in a mindset to davening with kavanah. A person has to reflect upon the adverse effect that not being nizhar on kedushas beis knesses has on our tefillah besides the fact that there are dinim which have to be observed in their own right, it also creates a certain mindset for tefillah. If one's association with a beis knesses is a place for davening, not a place for conversation, so right away you walk into a shul, so right away because of that mental association with the place a person shifts into a mindset which is conducive for focusing on on on davening. Another, another again orum b’yirah, very practical strategy is that sometimes it happens a person's davening and we sort of first become aware of what we're saying when we hear ourselves say it. A person is davening and he says

בספר חיים ברכה ושלום פרנסה טובה וגזרות טובות ישועות ונחמות

and as he hears himself saying parnasa tova thinks to himself, yeah takeh wouldn't it be wonderful to have parnasa tova this year? I wish I'd said that with a little bit of kavanah. So a person first becomes aware that he's asking the Ribbono Shel Olam for parnasa tova when he hears it. And then גזרות טובות ישועות ונחמות, what a beautiful tefillah, what a beautiful tefillah, but we first become aware that we're saying the tefillah, we say it so quickly by rote and without thinking that we become aware of what we're saying when we hear it. And if we don't daven audibly to ourselves sometimes we don't even become aware. So if a person stops, I don't know that it requires more than a momentary pause, but looks at the word either with his mind's eye or literally looks at the word depending upon whether a person davens better ba’al peh or from a siddur, even if a person davens ba’al peh, the Chayei Adam says he should see the words before his mind's eye. A person looks at the words before he says them, so then yeah, so then I see the word parnasa tova before I say it, and then when I say it I can say it with a kavanah. He sees the words גזרות טובות ישועות ונחמות, he sees it before he says it, then he can takeh say with kavanah. And then another issue that a person has to think about in terms of the inadequacy and just impoverishment of our davening is to what extent it points to a very very fundamental core issue that we and not even any other mitzvos which are supposed to preoccupy one's mind, well I have to be thinking of to make sure that I'm doing the mitzvah kedas uchadin and about all the the the pratim of the halacha. So as soon as one davens, he's one-on-one with Ribbono Shel Olam. It it's a fair question to what extent our lack of success in davening points to a a discomfort or fear of being one-on-one with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And that's also something that in terms of being orev liyira that that a person has to has to ponder. And and thinking about again these strategies about that we should try to come on time, that we should try to be nizhar in kedushas beis knesses in terms of sicha betaila, that we should try to see the words before we say them, we should be aware of what we're about to say and not just sort of retroactively aware of what we just said, and and to prepare ourselves to be with Hakadosh Baruch Hu one-on-one, so then, then we can clap on al cheit, we can clap al cheit for for davening shelo bekavana and taki resolve to daven with kavana. And and the same this was just sort of one one test case, but the same has to be true with with whatever the the aveira in question is. One one question comes up when when a person makes a cheshbon hanefesh, invariably, if it's a thorough cheshbon hanefesh, the list is a very long one. The list which which that cheshbon hanefesh generates is very long. So the question is, so is there a notion of תפסת מרובה לא תפסת in terms of kabbalos, in terms of doing teshuva? Well no, תפסת מרובה לא תפסת doesn't apply here. So lechora again not referring to someone who's coming from no background and is first becoming frum, that's a separate parsha. But someone who's coming from from a frum background, so lechora one has to distinguish between chatoim and between אלו דברים שאין להם שיעור in terms of tikun hamidos, in terms of hasmada in learning, in terms of yiras shamayim, in terms of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד. In terms of mamash chatoim, so a person can't say, well this year's project will be that I should stop eating neveilos utreifos and next year's project will be that I'll stop being mechallel Shabbos and a third year from now, ich veis, I'll I'll aim to be nizhar in סוף זמן קריאת שמע. We're talking about chatoim mamash, there's no תפסת מרובה לא תפסת. A person has to person has to resolve and be orev liyira on every every cheit Rachmana litzlan. In terms of the אלו דברים שאין להם שיעור in terms of one's tikun hamidos, which is אלו דברים שאין להם שיעור in terms of cultivating one's hasmada and and the like, so there taki a person, if if there a person has to prioritize. And there a person can't necessarily work on everything at once. And the reason for that is, the reason for that is that the avoda, the way a person goes about that avoda involves as the Mesillas Yesharim and and other baalei mussar explain, is the constant reinforcement. The way a person changes himself, the way a person is mesaken his midos is to constantly, constantly וידעת היום והשבת אל לבבך to constantly remind himself, constantly reinforce. And that constant reminder, that constant reinforcement translates into internalizing. The way a person makes that transition from veyadata hayom to vahasheivosa el levavecha, that's what Mesillas Yesharim writes. That's why he says you have to read the sefer again and again and again, because it's something which has to be internalized. And the way a person in- 20 times a day, 30 times a day, he stops for a minute and he thinks to himself, he thinks to himself why a person shouldn't, shouldn't be angry. Because when a person is angry, invariably it's an expression of ga'avah. A person's anger is why did you do this to me? It's an expression of ga'avah. A person shouldn't be angry because invariably 99.99% of the times when we get angry we're getting angry about things that the Rambam says in a different context that they're divrei havel vehavai, which is like a dot to get angry at. So a person has to internalize these hashkafos so that it will, it will dictate how he, how he reacts. So how does a person internalize? That's what Mesillas Yesharim, the Chovos HaTalmidos, and the Sefer HaRamban said it already. It's with the constant review, constant reinforcement. Okay, so if I'm stopping 20, 30 times a day to tell myself something, to remind myself, to reinforce, so then a person has to have, a person has to have a project, he has to have, I'm working on this middah. Then there's an inyan of תפסת מרובה לא תפסת. But that's with regard to the אלו דברים שאין להם שיעור and also because first of all again, the way the change comes about is that a person has to be focused. Let's say when it comes to something like hasmadah in learning, so a person can't overnight change from, from being the world's biggest batlan to being the world's biggest masmid. Change doesn't happen that, that quickly, that dramatically. So those things have to be done, done gradually. But when it's talking about mamash chata'im, so then there's no, there's no inyan of תפסת מרובה לא תפסת. Again, if one is, is dealing in kiruv with someone who's, who's never been frum, so then that's obviously a very, very different parshah. But let's come back to what we were talking about until now. The fact that Yom Kippur is sometimes depressing because of our awareness of the constant repetition of chata'im. So we said because we're not sufficiently arum be-yirah. Why is it, why is it that we're not sufficiently arum be-yirah? What's in turn, what's responsible for this? That lack of arum be-yirah. So I think there's another fundamental mistake that we sometimes make in, in our teshuvah process. And that is, that sometimes in doing teshuvah, a lot of the time in doing teshuvah, so we target the cheit without targeting the gavra hachotei. It's almost as if, it's almost as if again we're targeting lashon hara without the awareness that the lashon hara comes and stems and flows from a flawed nefesh hachoteis. And without that awareness that the again, the teshuvah can't just target the cheit, the teshuvah has to target the chotei. The Rabbeinu Yonah again in, in this short essay, Yesod HaTeshuvah, so he begins with a pasuk in Yechezkel:

נאם השם אלהים שובו והשיבו מכל פשעיכם ולא יהיה לכם למכשול עון השליכו מעליכם את כל פשעיכם אשר פשעתם בם ועשו לכם לב חדש ורוח חדשה ולמה תמותו.

So teshuvah means that a person has to recognize that to do teshuvah he has to effect change in himself. And too often we become so, so literally focused and almost, kind of fixed on, on the lashon hara, on, on the particular aveirah, that it's almost as if we think we're targeting a cheit. Yeah, we are targeting a cheit, but the cheit has its roots in, in flaws in, in the gavra hachotei. And ultimately the teshuvah has to is, is targets the person. It can't target the cheit. There's no, there's no disembodied cheit. It has to, it has to target the gavra. But that, that again, when, when one says it, it sounds, it sounds so foolish, but yet I think it, it poses problems for us and we do stumble. That tendency to think about the cheit sort of as having a life of its own. There's another again, it sounds ridiculous to say. And it is ridiculous, ridiculous to say, but it happens. Sometimes when we do teshuvah, so again we're so fixated on the cheit that one forgets the link between the cheit and the Ribbono Shel Olam, that one forgets the link between teshuvah and Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And sometimes we're bent over on Yom Kippur and we're clapping al cheit and we're feeling the remorse and the anguish for the lashon hara, for the vulgarity of lashon hara, for the shmiras einayim, for the ka'as, and there's no connection to the Ribbono Shel Olam. There's no, in our mind, there's no connection, there's no association that the lashon hara represents contravening devar Hashem, that the lashon hara represents that a person alienates himself rachmana litzlan and distances himself from the Ribbono Shel Olam. It's almost as if the cheit takes on a life of its own. The Rambam in perek bais of hilchos teshuvah, there's an incredible, incredible emphasis in the Rambam. The Rambam is quoting the Gemara in Yoma eizehu, the Gemara says eizehu ba'al teshuvah, the Rambam says eizehu teshuvah gemurah. And basically the Rambam depicts אותה אשה ואותו זמן ואותו מקום that all the circumstances of cheit are the same and the only variable, the only thing that changes from when he was nichshal to when he successfully avoids the cheit is his teshuvah. That's the only, it's a controlled experiment, the only variable is the, is the teshuvah. And the Rambam says that since this is the teshuvah me'ulah, since this is the teshuvah gemurah, a person shouldn't procrastinate. Because if a person procrastinates until he's at a later stage in life, when the yeitzer hara is not as strong anymore, when maybe the yeitzer hara has totally waned, so then it's going to be a weaker teshuvah. Ribbono Shel Olam is mekabel that teshuvah also, but already he won't have the possibility of a teshuvah me'ulah. Now, that's what the Rambam says. But listen to the pasuk. The Rambam quotes a pasuk from Koheles. He says

וזכור את בוראך בימי בחורותיך עד אשר לא יבואו ימי הרעה והגיעו שנים אשר תאמר אין לי בהם חפץ.

Shlomo HaMelech, this idea that a person should do teshuvah right away, when it's

באותו זמן והוא עומד באהבתו בה ובכח גופו ובמדינה שעבר בה,

that's what Shlomo HaMelech was exhorting us to do when he said uzechor es borecha, remember the Ribbono Shel Olam in the days of your youth, עד אשר לא יבואו ימי הרעה, before the days of old age come, והגיעו שנים אשר תאמר אין לי בהם חפץ, and years when you don't have that geshmak for life anymore because of the infirmities of old age, of עת זקנה רחמנא ליצלן, from the ככלות כוחנו אל תעזבנו. So a person should do teshuvah before then. But where in this pasuk did Shlomo HaMelech say do teshuvah? He didn't say do teshuvah. Again, the pasuk is

וזכור את בוראך בימי בחורותיך עד אשר לא יבואו ימי הרעה והגיעו שנים אשר תאמר אין לי בהם חפץ.

So where's the teshuvah? So it's quite clear that the Rambam says teshuvah means u'zechor es borecha, that ultimately, ultimately, the definition of every teshuvah means to remember Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Because every cheit, every cheit involved, every cheit means that a person was masiach da'as from Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It means how could I be chotei? How could I, I have, I have a yeitzer hara for A, B, C, D, E through Z, I have a strong yeitzer hara for that, ein hachi nami. But any yeitzer hara would be held in check, would be inhibited if I had an awareness of being in the presence of the Ribbono Shel Olam. It doesn't matter how strong my yeitzer hara for A through Z may be, if I had an awareness of being before Hakadosh Baruch Hu of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד, that would inhibit, that would override, that would overwhelm any yeitzer hara. I was nichshal? The yeitzer hara did prevail? So that could only mean one thing: it means that I didn't have that awareness שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד. Hence the Rambam says teshuvah, again, this doesn't contradict what we said. A person has to, has to be orer b'yira, he has to target the specific cheit, he has to target the specific flaws in himself which led to that cheit, he has to take the appropriate preventive and And the corrective measures, but a person also has to realize that the common denominator to every cheit was שכחת הקדוש ברוך הוא, and that hence what teshuvah involves is zichras haboreh. And sometimes for us, sometimes for us the cheit sort of spins off and takes on a life of its own. And we're caught on cheit for lashon hara thinking correctly that lashon hara is vulgar and hypocritical that I smile at the person when I pass him in the corridor and then I five minutes later am talking lashon hara. All that is true. But when cheit isn't associated anymore with HaKadosh Baruch Hu, then the teshuvah is no teshuvah. The teshuvah is no teshuvah and avadei it can't succeed. And then next Yom Kippur, the sincerity of the על חטא שחטאנו לפניך notwithstanding, a person's got to stand and say the same al cheit. The emess is that this emphasis of the Rambam, he repeats it again at the end of this halacha in Perek Beis. I think the Rav points out in one of the drashos printed in Al HaTeshuvah that that's what the Rambam begins in Perek Aleph when he says

כל המצוות שבתורה כשיעשה תשובה וישוב מחטאו חייב להתוודות לפני האל ברוך הוא

lifnei ha'Kel. And if he wanted to, how is he going to be misvadeh if not לפני האל ברוך הוא? lifnei ha'Kel? No, it means with an awareness of lifnei ha'Kel, comparable to the awareness of lifnei Hashem of tefillah. Why? Because again, that's what the essence of the cheit was, that lack of awareness, that שכחת הקדוש ברוך הוא, so the corrective measure is the lifnei ha'Kel. And be'emess, that's what the pasuk says, right? That's what Rabbeinu Yonah says, the pasuk for the chiyuv teshuvah is מכל חטאותיכם לפני ה' תטהרו. Lifnei Hashem means that a person has that awareness that the teshuvah plays out lifnei Hashem, that that integral to teshuvah, the essence of teshuvah is that renewed, rediscovered and intensified awareness of lifnei Hashem. So halevai, halevai that we should be zocheh to be orer, to be misametz for teshuvah, and that we should all be zocheh that our tefillos of השיבנו בתשובה שלמה לפניך should be mekuballas. א גוט יום טוב.