Teshuva: Awareness of Hashem

Keitzad mitvadin?

אומר: אנא ה' חטאתי עויתי פשעתי לפניך ועשיתי כך וכך והריני ניחמתי ובושתי במעשי ולעולם איני חוזר לדבר זה. וזהו עיקרו של וידוי. וכל המרבה להתוודות ומאריך בעניין זה הרי זה משובח.

A person should be marbeh and marich in viduy. So clearly, when the Rambam gives us this very compact formula for viduy, he's telling us the bare and most basic essentials of viduy. So there's no, there's not an unnecessary word in the Rambam's ikaro shel viduy. If the Rambam were gonna be marich, then he would have been marich. וזהו עיקרו של וידוי. This is the essence of the viduy. Obviously there are many, many points to understand why they're so central and indispensable to viduy. We'll just take one. It's not enough for a person to say nichamti. It's not enough for a person to say I have charata, I regret my aveiros. A person has to say boshti. A person has to be able to sincerely say before the Ribbono shel Olam that I'm embarrassed, I'm humiliated by my, by my actions. The Rambam's makor is clearly pesukim. pesukim in Tanach: אלוקי בשתי ונכלמתי להרים אלוקי פני אליך. Other pesukim. So the question is not so much on the Rambam, although the Rambam clearly is telling us that what was being expressed wasn't part of the arichus and the ribuy devarim, but was the ikaro shel viduy. But the question is also possibly on the pesukim themselves. So why is this sense of boshes so, such an integral part of the viduy? And clearly, if it's an integral part of the viduy, the viduy is basically just articulating what the kiyum shebaleiv of teshuva is supposed to be. So if saying boshti is an integral part of the viduy, it means that the feeling, the busha, is an integral part of the teshuva. So what's the pshat? So lichora is as follows. The feeling, the experience of busha differs from many other experiences, say the experience of pain for example. The experience of pain is uniform regardless of one's surroundings. If rachmana litzlan a person trips, bruises himself, breaks a limb rachmana litzlan, the pain which that fall engenders, it doesn't make a difference whether there are ten people present, fifty people present, no one present, there's a certain degree of pain that he experiences. By contrast, when it comes to the, the experience of busha, if a person walks into a room and he trips over his own feet, so if the room is, is full, teeming with people, so he's gonna feel very, very embarrassed at his, at his clumsiness. If the exact same mishap happens, he walks into a room but the room is totally empty and he trips over his own feet, he's not gonna feel any boshes. What's the, what's the embarrassment? No one, no one saw, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. So the feeling of busha is engendered by being exposed in public, by being exposed to others. orom, a person who walks around orom is ein lo boshes because he obviously has no, no sense of shame, so he's... So when a person is misvadeh and he says to the Ribbono shel Olam, nichamti u'voshti be'ma'asai, so what's he embarrassed about? What's he embarrassed about? Many of our chato'im play themselves out when no one's around and most people are totally unaware, or all people are totally unaware of many of our chato'im. So what's the nichamti u'voshti? Nichamti yes, but not voshti. No one knows. So clearly the boshes to which a person is admitting, the boshes which hopefully we're able to feel means that בושתי לפניך רבונו של עולם. I'm embarrassed before You. I'm embarrassed to stand before You because You are aware of my chato'im, of my avonos, of my pesha'im, and that's the source of my boshes. Why is this such an integral part of teshuva and therefore viduy? For the simple reason that there is a common denominator to virtually all chato'im. One can perhaps come up with one or two exceptions, one or two classes of exceptions, but there's a common denominator to all chato'im. And that common denominator is that if a person is chotei, it means that a person forgets Hakadosh Baruch Hu. That at that moment when the person was chotei, when he succumbs to the yetzer hara, he forgets Hakadosh Baruch Hu. בעבור תהיה יראתי על פניכם לבלתי תחטאו. If a person realizes he's in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, so the Rambam says, the Rama quotes at the beginning of Shulchan Aruch, so right away he feels that yira,

מיד הוא ירא ובוש. בעבור תהיה יראתי על פניכם לבלתי תחטאו.

If a person is chotei, it means that at that moment he was oblivious to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. At that moment he was oblivious to the fact that we live, that we exist lifnei Hashem. So there is an equation between cheit and שכחת הקדוש ברוך הוא רחמנא ליצלן. Mimeila, if a person does teshuva and he can say, I have a sincere charata Ribbono shel Olam. But he can't admit to a busha, so it means that there isn't really a tikun hacheit. He hasn't really been mesaken the cheit because it means that his awareness of Hakadosh Baruch Hu is not enhanced. His awareness of Hakadosh Baruch Hu is no greater now than it was when he was chotei. In order to sin, in order to sin, a person had to be oblivious to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. No matter, no matter how strong the yetzer hara is that a person has for something, that yetzer hara would be held in check by his awareness of being in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The yetzer hara prevails when a person doesn't have that awareness of being in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So cheit equals שכחת הקדוש ברוך הוא and therefore mimeila teshuva has to involve a heightened awareness, a renewed awareness of being in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. A person has to be able to say boshti. Be'emes, be'emes, what we're saying now is meforash in the Rabbeinu Yonah in Sha'arei Teshuva. Rabbeinu Yonah in Sha'ar Aleph lists the ikarei hateshuva and he lists boshes, he lists busha as one of the ikarei hateshuva. The Rabbeinu Yonah quotes the Gemara in Brachos towards the end of the first perek of

כל העושה דבר עבירה ומתבייש בו מוחלין לו על כל עוונותיו

and Rabbeinu Yonah says pshat, there's a line there in Sha'arei Teshuva where Rabbeinu Yonah says that the reason what makes possible the cheit in the first place is אין זה אלא מפני היות השם רחוק מכליותיו. Because Hakadosh Baruch Hu is not on the person's radar screen, that's why a person And that's how a person is nichshal, nichshal b'cheit. Lich'ora, I don't think Rabbeinu Yonah continues to say this, I don't recall. But lich'ora that's also the p'shat in the Gemara. The Gemara in Brachos seems to be very disproportionate.

כל העושה עבירה ומתבייש בה מוחלין לו על כל עוונותיו.

Why is it מוחלין לו על כל עוונותיו? So the answer is because there's a tzad hashaveh, there's a common denominator to every cheit. That common denominator to every cheit again is שכחת הקדוש ברוך הוא. Okay. There's also an individual dynamic in every cheit. Why is it that when I forgot rachmana litzlan Hakadosh Baruch Hu, why did it play itself out and lead to this cheit? So there's obviously an individual yetzer hara. But what the common denominator is that אין זה אלא מפני היות השם רחוק מכליותיו. Mimeila, a person is misbayesh, even if the catalyst for that busha is an individual cheit, but that sense of busha, that renewed and heightened awareness of Hakadosh Baruch Hu is a tikkun as a response to all his chataim. Lulei demistafina, so one would suggest that the p'shat in the Gemara of

כל העושה עבירה ומתבייש בה מוחלין לו על כל עוונותיו,

the pshutam shel devarim would seem to be misbayesh bo, like the beis is like bushti bema'asai. Misbayesh bo means bidvar aveira. Yitachen that there is another, another level of understanding here in the Gemara of כל העושה דבר עבירה ומתבייש בו means מתבייש בהקדוש ברוך הוא. He's embarrassed on account of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So that's what the Gemara says. He's misbayesh on account of Hakadosh Baruch Hu? So that's taka a tikkun not only for this individual cheit but for all chataim. The emes is it's also meforash in the Rambam. Not as, not as conspicuously as in the Rabbeinu Yonah, but in the Rambam as well in at least two places. In perek beis of Hilchos Teshuva, halacha alef.

כיצד היא תשובה גמורה זה שבא לידו דבר שעבר בו ואפשר בידו לעשותו ופירש ולא עשה מפני התשובה לא מיראה ולא מכשלון כוח. כיצד הרי שבא על אשה בעבירה ולאחר זמן נתייחד עמה והוא עומד באהבתו בה ובכוח גופו ובמדינה שעבר בה ופירש ולא עבר זהו בעל תשובה גמורה.

So if the exact same set of circumstances in which he was nichshal are replicated and he's not nichshal, so that's teshuva gemura. Says the Rambam, hu sheShlomo amar וזכור את בוראיך בימי בחורותיך. So the Rambam says and that's the p'shat in the pasuk in Koheles, וזכור את בוראיך בימי בחורותיך. So where's the pasuk talking about teshuva? Where's the pasuk talking about teshuva? So the answer is the pasuk talks about uzchor es borecha. Again, if the definition of cheit is שכחת הקדוש ברוך הוא, the definition of teshuva, the definition of teshuva is remembering Hakadosh Baruch Hu. That's what the Rambam says. The p'shat in the pasuk in Koheles, uzchor es borecha, that means teshuva, that means teshuva. The Rambam says it again in perek gimmel, halacha daled, the famous Rambam about tkias shofar.

אף על פי שתקיעת שופר בראש השנה גזירת הכתוב רמז יש בו כלומר עורו ישנים משנתכם ונרדמים הקיצו מתרדמתכם וחפשו במעשיכם וחזרו בתשובה וזכרו בוראכם.

Vezichru borkachem. Vezichru borkachem. So meforash that the teshuva means zichru borkachem. Zichru borkachem. Sometimes when we make a cheshbon hanefesh and we identify a whole range of chataim avonos pesha'im rachmana litzlan. Sometimes we forget what underlies the chet. Sometimes we see

על חטא שחטאנו לפניך במאכל ובמשתה, על חטא שחטאנו לפניך בשיח שפתותינו.

So we see, we see the chet in ma'achal u'mishteh, we see the chet in siyach siftotenu, but sometimes we miss what underlies the chet. What underlies the chet, and that's the tzad hashavah to all the al chets, is forgetting Hakadosh Baruch Hu rachmana litzlan. And the teshuvah can't be accomplished without the boshti, without the u'zechor borecha, vezichru boreichem. Very very briefly, what causes shichchah? So if shichchah is the cause and context of chet, so then we have to understand at least a little bit, try to understand, so what causes shichchah? So lichora there are at least two types of shichchah. There's one shichchah which simply results from hesach hadaas. hesach hadaas. If a person doesn't actively seek to remain mindful and conscious of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, he's going to forget Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is eino guf. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is not, not visible. If a person is not mindful of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, if a person is not looking for Hakadosh Baruch Hu, so just by default, rachmana litzlan, a person's going to forget Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So one type of shichchah is a shichchah which results simply from hesach hadaas. But the Rambam here in Hilchos Teshuvah פרק ג' הלכה ד' suggests that there's a second type of shichchah as well.

כלומר עורו ישנים משנתכם ונרדמים הקיצו מתרדמתכם וחפשו במעשיכם וחזרו בתשובה וזכרו בוראכם.

Says the Rambam, אלו השוכחים את האמת בהבלי הזמן. People who forget the emes, the emes of life on account of the havlei hazman, on account of havlei hazman. The truth is that the phrase itself just minei ubei can probably be understood accurately. But it just so happens that elsewhere the Rambam defines for us the parameters of divrei hevel. Towards the very end of Hilchos Deios in talking about the issur nekamah, the Rambam writes as follows:

הנוקם מחברו עובר בלא תעשה שנאמר לא תקום ואף על פי שאינו לוקה עליו דעה רעה היא עד מאד אלא ראוי לו לאדם להיות מעביר על מדותיו על כל דברי העולם.

Listen carefully rabbosai.

שהכל אצל המבינים דברי הבל והבאי ואינן כדי לנקום עליהם.

So the Rambam here gives us the definition of divrei hevel, the divrei hevel which, which cause, which precipitate shichchah. The Rambam says kol divrei ha'olam, kol divrei ha'olam. Dehainu, anything which doesn't link up with something beyond olam hazeh, the Rambam defines as hevel. Not anything which is in olam hazeh, but anything which doesn't link up, anything which isn't part of a chain, which isn't part of a path which transcends olam hazeh, which leads beyond olam hazeh. Anything where the, the tachlis, its tachlis doesn't reach beyond olam hazeh, the Rambam says is all divrei hevel vehavai. Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Rishon Ve'achron, Hakadosh Baruch Hu is nitzchi. To the degree that a person, and that's what the phrase havlei hazman in Hilchos Teshuvah is, to the degree that the person is shakuah in what's ephemeral, in what's transient, to the degree that the person is shakuah in something which doesn't reach or reverberate beyond his days in olam hazeh, to that degree he's obviously not connected to nitzchiyus, he's obviously not connected to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And that focus, that focus on the havlei hazman, which don't link up with anything beyond, beyond the fleeting time, that focus is a source of shikchah Rachmana Litzlan. So what emerges is that not only when a person attempts to do teshuvah for the specific chata'im that he identifies, does he have to introspect about zechiras haborei, about zechor bor'echa, but the emes says that in and of itself should be the focus of cheshbon hanefesh. Even if lu yetzuyar it didn't translate, it didn't play out into על חטא שחטאנו לפניך במאכל ובמשתה או בשיח שפתותינו, but that itself has to be a focus of our cheshbon hanefesh: to what degree, to what degree are we mindful of Hakadosh Baruch Hu? Perhaps on another occasion we'll discuss this somewhat, but for the moment let's just conclude with a person has to constantly, he has an index card, either actual or mental, before himself just reminding himself דע לפני מי אתה עומד, reminding himself שויתי ה׳ לנגדי תמיד. And that constant, that reminder, that check is certainly one way to try to increase our awareness of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that we should be able to maintain that awareness which facilitates teshuvah, which is the essence of the שובה ישראל עד ה׳ אלקיך.