Pre-Selichos 5782

Whenever a cycle approaches conclusion, we've been zoche to live and to embark on another season of slichos and hopefully everything that that implies and entails. It's an occasion for shevach vehoda'ah that HaKadosh Baruch Hu has blessed us, has been mezake us with another such opportunity. That feeling is magnified this year. It's the first time in three years that we've gathered to begin that season of slichos together. So a ברוך שהחיינו וקיימנו והגיענו. The Rambam provides us in the heading of Hilchos Teshuva with a quintessential definition of teshuva: והוא שישוב החוטא מחטאו לפני ה'. The most basic meaning of teshuva, our immediate association, is that teshuva is triggered by cheit, teshuva responds to cheit, teshuva repairs cheit. In this context, when we speak of cheshbon hanefesh, cheshbon hanefesh means that we assess, we evaluate our actions against the standard of Shulchan Aruch to see whether our actions measure up. Teshuva is cheit-centric. But teshuva, without in any way looking to decentralize that dimension of teshuva, but teshuva is broader than that as well. The Gemara in Yoma, the second source that you have in front of you: אמר ר' יוחנן גדולה תשובה שמביאה את הגאולה. Teshuva is redemptive. Now Chazal are clearly referring to the geulas haklal, the redemption of the Jewish people as a whole, but there's no geulas haklal without geulas haprat. There can't be geula for the Jewish people as a whole unless we individually experience geula as yechidim. It's actually meduyak in the Gemara's drasha:

שנאמר ובא לציון גואל ולשבי פשע ביעקב. מה טעם ובא לציון גואל?

How is it that the redeemer will come to Tzion, Tzion the collective, the people as a whole? משום דשבי פשע ביעקב, because the yechidim, lashon rabim, all the yechidim have experienced teshuva. What does teshuva shel geula entail? Let's perhaps approach that through the lens of a Gemara in Yoma. It's the seventh source, it appears on page two: אמר רב יהודה אמר רב מפני מה נענש שאול? Why was Shaul punished that he lost the melucha, that he did not bequeath the melucha to future generations? מפני שמחל על כבודו. The halacha is that a melech has no right to forego the honor due his position. Shaul did that, and for that reason he was ne'enash, shene'emar u-vnei vliya'al wicked individuals amru in response to Shaul's being anointed as king: Mah yoshianu zeh? Vayivazu. ויבזהו ולא הביאו לו מנחה. They refused to acknowledge Shaul. They heaped scorn upon him vayehi kemacharish. And Shaul was silent. The Gemara is very puzzling because we know it's explicit psukim in Shmuel Alef that Shaul lost the meluchah because he didn't fulfill his mandate to destroy Amalek. So Rashi is clearly bothered with the question. Rashi says נענש שאול לאותו דבר שעלה לו נטלה הימנו מלכות. Why was Shaul put in a position where he would fail and that would cause him to lose the meluchah? But let's perhaps explore a different approach to the Gemara. The psukim in the approach is one which my son told me in the name of רב זעליג עפשטיין זכרונו לברכה. The psukim in Shmuel Alef which recount the whole story with Shaul and Amalek, Shaul is commanded pasuk gimmel:

עתה לך והכית את עמלק והחרמתם את כל אשר לו ולא תחמול עליו.

Go and utterly destroy Amalek.

והמתה מאיש עד אשה מעולל ועד יונק משור ועד שה מגמל ועד חמור.

Utter, complete destruction. What in fact happens in pasuk tet:

ויחמול שאול והעם על אגג ועל מיטב הצאן והבקר והמשנים ועל הכרים ועל כל הטוב ולא אבו החרימם.

Shaul and the people do not follow the command of Hakadosh Baruch Hu as relayed by Shmuel Hanavi. And yet pasuk yud-gimmel:

ויבוא שמואל אל שאול ויאמר לו שאול ברוך אתה לה' הקימותי את דבר ה'.

Shaul, the mashiach Hashem, is not a liar. Not a liar. Certainly not a brazen liar. So on the one hand he clearly disobeyed and on the other hand he goes and greets Shmuel: Baruch Hashem, הקימותי את דבר ה'. When Shmuel challenges him u-meh pasuk yud-dalet

ומה קול הצאן הזה באזני וקול הבקר אשר אנכי שומע?

What are all these sounds that I hear? So Shaul is still sticking to his guns. We know that because in pasuk kaf:

ויאמר שאול אל שמואל אשר שמעתי בקול ה' ואלך בדרך אשר שלחני ה'.

Like he's caught seemingly with his hand in the cookie jar and Shaul still insists, no, שמעתי בקול ה' ואלך בדרך אשר שלחני ה'. So what was it? So clearly in pasuk tet-vav Shaul is offering a defense. So what's the defense?

מעמלקי הביאום אשר חמל העם על מיטב הצאן והבקר למען זבוח לה' אלוקיך.

So Rav Zelig explained this as follows. In pasuk yud-zayin Shmuel rebukes Shaul and tells him as follows:

ויאמר שמואל הלא אם קטון אתה בעיניך ראש שבטי ישראל אתה וימשחך ה' למלך על ישראל.

How is the rebuke relevant to the sin? I don't know whatever Shaul's cheit was, misplaced mercy. But what's it got to do with הלא אם קטון אתה בעיניך? You're a humble, self-effacing person, but you're the king, ראש שבטי ישראל אתה. So Shmuel understood what had happened. Ultimately, Shaul comes to that recognition as well, pasuk kaf-dalet.

ויאמר שאול אל שמואל חטאתי כי עברתי את פי ה' ואת דבריך כי יראתי את העם ואשמע בקולם.

Shaul didn't think he had the strength to impose his will, the will of Hakadosh Baruch Hu on the people. The people didn't want to utterly destroy Amalek. Shaul didn't think that he could bring them in line. When Shaul greets Shmuel and says הקימותי את דבר ה', he thinks so. He thinks to the best of my ability, to the best of my ability, to the maximum that was possible, הקימותי את דבר ה'. And what does Shmuel tell him, הלא אם קטן אתה בעיניך ראש שבטי ישראל אתה. In this sense, Rav Zelig said, we understand so beautifully the Gemara in Yoma: מפני מה נענש שאול מפני שמחל על כבודו. It's the same midah. The same midah that when upon his ascension to the throne, when there were people who heaped scorn on him, so there too Shaul didn't feel that he had the ability to be assertive, to respond the way a melech Yisrael was obligated to respond under those conditions, and it was that same midah that was his undoing in the encounter with Amalek. Ad kan devarav. Or in other words, Shaul's chet consisted, the source, the root of his chet was that Shaul underestimated himself. הלא אם קטן אתה בעיניך. When a person underestimates himself, herself, when a person underestimates his or her ability to do, to accomplish, to prevail, so rachmana litzlan this can tragically result in chet. And we're accountable for such chata'im. We're obligated to know our potential and not to underestimate ourselves. We asked what does a teshuvah shel geulah involve, what does it mean? If you go back to the first page, sources gimmel and the beginning of source daled, the Ramban's famous introductory remarks to Sefer Shemos:

ונתייחד ספר ואלה שמות בעניין הגלות הראשון הנגזר ובגאולה ממנו.

The thematic unity, each of the chamisha chumshei Torah, the Ramban has thematic unity. The thematic unity of Sefer Shemos, it's the story of galus and geulah, exile and redemption.

ולכן חזר והתחיל בשמות יוצאי מצרים ומספרם אף על פי שכבר נכתב זה בעבור כי ירידתם שם הוא ראשית הגלות.

The Torah begins with the shevatim coming down to Mitzrayim, which is the inception of galus.

והנה הגלות איננו נשלם עד יום שובם אל מקומם ואל מעלת אבותם ישובו.

There's an underlying assumption that what their ancestors accomplished, they too can accomplish. The spiritual station that their ancestors were on is one that's accessible to them. Galus means returning, but notice really it's returning, the Ramban doesn't say to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, it's returning to themselves. Deh lach, writes the Maharal,

כי התשובה היא לאדם מצד כי האדם נברא בהתחלתו בלא חטא וכאשר הוא שב אל השם יתברך אז האדם חוזר אל התחלתו.

So the second meaning of teshuvah, complementing or expanding upon the first meaning, is teshuvah not in the sense of pulling back from... Returning to oneself, returning to one's true self. And what that involves is not only leaving chet behind, but it also involves a process of discovery or rediscovery of one's potential, one's abilities, one's kochos hanefesh. But let's try to broaden and deepen our understanding of teshuvah shel geulah. If you take a look on the top of page two, sos vav. אמר רב יהודה מאי ניהו אבירי לב? Who are example of arrogant or stouthearted people? Guvai tipshai. The foolish Guvai, a name of a certain population. אמר רב יוסף תדע, where does one see that quality of callousness of spiritual insensitivity manifest? דהא לא איגייר גיורא מנייהו. There's not a single ger has emerged from their ranks. It's a people who have not produced a single ger. אמר רב אשי בני מתא מחסיא אבירי לב נינהו. The locals in the town, the city of Mechasya, they're also abbirei lev. They too are spiritually callous, insensitive.

דהא דקא חזו יקרא דאורייתא תרי זימני בשתא בעידנא דכלה,

in Tishrei and in Nissan happens in Mechasya. They see the honor of Torah terei zimnei beshata, twice annually, year in year out, and here too ולא קא מיגייר גיורא מנייהו. And not a single ger has emerged from their ranks. Now there is no chiyuv for a gentile to convert. A gentile who lives his life and never, born a gentile, lives a gentile, dies a gentile, is not guilty of anything, not guilty of anything. He's going to be held accountable for שבע מצוות בני נח. He's not required, not required to be misgayer. And yet, Rav Yehuda, Rav Ashi, harshly criticize for not doing so. The understanding is clear: it may not be a chet, but what a waste. For a person to have such potential, to have been able to elevate one's relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, to squander that potential. To live a life and not tap into that potential. And notice, notice how precise the wording of the Gemara is: guvai tipshai. It doesn't say they're reshaim. No, rasha would imply chet. No, you can't indict them for any chet, but such tipshus. Such foolishness. What a waste. On the bottom of page one, sos hey.

ויעבור ה' על פניו ויקרא. אמר רבי יוחנן אלמלא מקרא...

and showed him what the centerpiece of Slichos is,

אמר לו כל זמן שישראל חוטאין יעשו לפני כסדר הזה.

This is how to approach me v'ani mochel lahem.

ה' ה' אני הוא קודם שיחטא האדם ואני הוא לאחר שיחטא האדם ויעשה תשובה.

The two names Hashem Hashem is not repetitious. The first one refers to Hakadosh Baruch Hu's relating to a person kodem sheyechete, the second l'achar sheyechete. Omer Rabbeinu Tam Tosfos quotes in terms of identifying within the pasuk of Hashem Hashem which are the י"ג מדות הרחמים, so Omer Rabbeinu Tam דשני שמות הראשונים הם שני מדות. The two Hashems Hashem Hashem should be counted separately as middos k'deminan hacha and that's what the gemara is explicating, is elaborating,

אני ה' קודם שיחטא לרחם עליו ואני מרחם לאחר שיחטא אם ישוב ה' מדת רחמים הוא.

I extend my divine mercy to the person kodem sheyechete and I extend it afterwards as well. But why does the person need a מדת הרחמנות קודם שיחטא? L'achar sheyechete we understand. After the person has sinned so middas hadin, a strict attribute of justice, would not allow for him to do teshuvah, and if it allowed for him to do teshuvah it would demand immediate instantaneous teshuvah, there wouldn't be a middah of erech apayim. But what's the need for a מדת הרחמנות קודם תשובה? There were many different answers, they're not mutually exclusive, to this gemara, but one that I heard from my father zichrono livracha, he suggested that the אני ה' קודם שיחטא refers to what we're talking about potential. Could be that a person hasn't sinned but it doesn't mean that all is right and all is well with him. Kodem sheyechete as well, there may not be cheit on the horizon, but is he tapping, is the individual tapping into his or her potential? Is the person, is the individual fulfilling the God-given potential, maximizing the kochos hanefesh? A middas harachamanus is needed kodem hacheit also, not only l'achar hacheit. The teshuvah shel geulah, which involves returning to oneself, discovery, rediscovery of one's potential, is not exclusively cheit-centric. In this vein, the cheshbon hanefesh consists not only of measuring ourselves, our actions against the Shulchan Aruch, but of measuring it against ourselves. There is a tradition, it's alluded to in many sources, one of them is the last source you have here, source yud in page three. What's pshat that when we find Hakadosh Baruch Hu calling out to Avraham Avraham? or Yaakov Yaakov or Moshe Moshe. Why mention the name twice? So Rav Chaim Vital, whom the Nefesh Hachaim is quoting, already explains that everyone has two images. There's a celestial image which reflects the person's neshama. So that's one image, that's one identity every one of us has. And then there's a second terrestrial image which reflects who the person is here in this world, what the person does, how the person lives. The Gemara in Chulin, Rashi quotes: הנה מלאכי אלהים עולים וירדים בו. So the Gemara says that the malachim were olim to look at דמות דיוקנו של מעלה. They looked at Yaakov Avinu's celestial image, the image projected by the neshama tehorah, reflecting its full kochos, its full capacities. And then they were yordim and they were comparing it to his earthly image, to who Yaakov Avinu actually was. And this is true in all areas. It's true bein adam l'chavero, it's true bein adam l'atzmo, bein adam l'Makom. At times underestimating ourselves, as in the case of Shaul, results in actual cheit. And at other times it's not cheit, but there's not that much solace in that. It's just squandered potential. It could very well be that in our interpersonal relationships we behave acceptably, we behave adequately. And it could be that we would want to be better, but we don't see that we have the capacity or the potential. I would want to be a better child, a better spouse, a better parent, a better sibling, a better friend, a better teacher, but I can't be what I'm not. We set all kinds of glass ceilings, we impose all kinds of constraints, and then we're limited and we're restrained by those erroneous self-assessments. I would really want to improve my midos more, I would really want to improve my character, accomplish more in the realm of tikkun hamidos. I am who I am, I'm too old to change. And often with the same misplaced sincerity of Shaul Hamelech, we're sincere about that. It's not intended as an excuse, we genuinely, erroneously believe that. Bein adam l'Makom, what I would give to be able to davven a whole Shmoneh Esrei with kavanah. But in our generation, how many people are capable of that? Maybe a few yechidim, a few individuals. I don't belong to that elite group. I would want to learn more. I wasn't blessed with abilities in that area. Tshuvah shel geulah, when we return to ourselves. Recognizes those glass ceilings for what they are. It breaks them. It removes the self-imposed restraints. Now obviously, I don't mean to suggest that each and every one of us is capable of anything and everything. We all have our kochos. There are things we can do and there are things we can't do, obviously. But too often that truth notwithstanding, we underestimate ourselves and we confuse what's possible with what's comfortable and what's attainable with what's easy. I've been thinking about this theme for a while now and coincidentally or providentially, take your choice, I was speaking with a talmid this week. A very wonderful young man, idealistic young man, who before coming to Yeshiva served in Tzahal as a chayal boded. So we were talking a little bit about his experiences and he said one of the things that he carries over now to his post-army civilian life is that the mantra in the army was that hakol barosh. They would be challenged to do things which they thought were physically impossible, to hike all night with carrying a load of 80 pounds or something which they thought was physically impossible, to arrange themselves in a certain arrangement in at the blink of an eye in what seemed to be not doable. And in the training they were told time and time again hakol barosh, hakol barosh. Okay, so maybe it needs to be modified to harbei barosh. Maybe it's not literally hakol barosh, maybe that was a kiyum of דיברה תורה בלשון הבאי. But it's certainly true. In in one of his drashos, my grandfather zecher tzadik livracha quotes the following story from the Tanna d'vei Eliyahu.

פעם אחת הייתי מהלך ממקום למקום ומצאני אדם אחד שבו היה לו מקרא ולא משנה והיה מסלוטט ומלעיג בדברים ובא כנגדי ואמרתי לו בני מה אתה משיב לאביך שבשמים ליום הדין.

I was once walking and I encountered an individual who hadn't learned any Torah. And I said to him, my son, what are you gonna answer Hakadosh Baruch Hu, what are you gonna answer your Father in Heaven l'yom hadin?

אמר לי רבי יש לי דברים שאני משיב בינה ודעת לא נתנו לי מן השמים שאקרא ואשנה.

I have a response. ואמרתי לו בני מה מלאכתך. What do you do for a living? ואמר לי צייד אני. I'm a trapper, a hunter, a trapper.

ואמרתי לו מי למדך שתביא פשתן ותארגהו מצודות ותשליכהו לים ותעלה הדגים מן הים.

So who taught you how to make the nets and and how to cast it into the the ocean and then to pull in the fish?

ואמר לי רבי בזה נתנו לי בינה ודעת מן השמים.

No, I was given understanding. I was given resourcefulness.

ואמרתי לו ומה להביא פשתן ולארוג מצודות להשליך לים להעלות דגים מן הים נתנו לך בינה ודעת מן השמים לדברי תורה שכתוב בה כי קרוב אליך הדבר מאד בפיך ובלבבך לעשותו לא נתנו לך בינה ודעת מן השמים?

If for that you were endowed with ability, l'divrei Torah shekatuv bah כי קרוב אליך הדבר מאד בפיך ובלבבך לעשותו, no, you weren't given binah v'daat min hashamayim? There's a famous interpretation from, I think it's from Reb Itzele Volozhiner. The Gemara in Bava Basra says that Moshe Rabbeinu resembled the sun, pnei chama, Yehoshua bin Nun was k'pnei levana. And when Yehoshua succeeded Moshe Rabbeinu, the zekeinim she-b'dor, who were Yehoshua bin Nun's more or less his contemporaries, reacted oy la-osah busha, oy la-osah cherpa. It's, what an embarrassment. Reb Itzele explains as follows: We, the busha, the busha wasn't that Klal Yisrael was now being led by a person of lesser stature than Moshe Rabbeinu. לא קם נביא בישראל עוד כמשה. There was, there couldn't be another Moshe Rabbeinu. What was the busha, what was the cherpa? The zekeinim she-b'dor, we had the same opportunity as Yehoshua bin Nun. We had the same opportunity. And yet look, he's a levana, he's a moon who reflects the light of the sun and what are we? Were they guilty of bittul Torah? Not necessarily. Not necessarily. But they didn't recognize their potential and because of that they didn't maximize their potential. One more dvar agaddah. If you take a look on page three, source tes. שאל אחר את רבי מאיר ואחר שיצא לתרבות רעה. The Gemara recounts a dialogue between Rabi Meir and his Rebbe, Elisha ben Avuyah, who after drifting to heresy is known as Acher. Let's jump in on line four. תלמיד חכם אף על פי שסרח יש לו תקנה. A Talmid chacham even if he sins can rectify the sin, he can rectify himself. אמר לו אף אתה חזור בך. You too Acher, Elisha ben Avuyah, do teshuvah. אמר לו כבר שמעתי מאחורי הפרגוד. No, I heard a heavenly bas kol. Shuvu banim shovavim, Hakadosh Baruch Hu extends his hand and invitation to teshuvah to all, chutz me-Acher. Tano rabanan. מעשה באחר שהיה רוכב על הסוס בשבת. He was riding a horse on Shabbos. והיה רבי מאיר מהלך אחריו ללמוד תורה מפיו. Rabi Meir was on foot and was learning Torah.

אמר לו מאיר חזור לאחוריך שכבר שיערתי בעקבי סוסי עד כאן תחום שבת.

I've been tracking how far we've gone, we've reached the techum, you can't go any further. So go back. So amar lei, so Rabi Meir says to Acher, אף אתה חזור בך. You also go back. Amar lei kvar amarti lach, I told you, I can't. כבר שמעתי מאחורי הפרגוד שובו בנים שובבים חוץ מאחר. The Yerushalmi underneath adds one detail and there's one difference from the Bavli. The detail is amar lei leis ani yachol. Again, Acher says I can't. Amar lei lamah?

אמר ליה שפעם אחת הייתי עובר לפני בית קדש הקדשים רוכב על סוסי ביום הכפורים שחל להיות בשבת.

It wasn't stam a Shabbos and he wasn't stam out for a ride, but he was going behind the Kodesh ha-Kodashim on יום הכפורים שחל להיות בשבת. The most concentrated kedushah imaginable. יום הכפורים שחל להיות בשבת in proximity to the Kodesh ha-Kodashim. V'shamati.

בת קול יצאה מבית קודש הקודשים ואומרת שובו בנים שובבים חוץ מאלישע בן אבויה

and I heard that bas kol. And the bas kol said, no, all the wayward sons are invited to do teshuvah with the exception of Elisha ben Avuya. So in the Yerushalmi's version, the bas kol doesn't say Acher, the bas kol says Elisha ben Avuya. So my grandfather zichrono livracha in one of the droshes that's printed says a pshat nifla me'od. There's no reason to think that Acher was like Pharaoh, was like Sichon, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu was no'el daltei teshuvah. It's inconceivable that Acher was deprived of the right to do teshuvah. What happened? So what's the pshat? What the bas kol actually said, there was a bas kol. The bas kol said שובו בנים שובבים חוץ מאחר. As long as you adhere to this false superimposed identity of Acher, you won't be able to do teshuvah. But if you'll shed that false identity, you'll be the real you, you'll be Elisha ben Avuya, so then you can do teshuvah. Acher translated the bas kol the way the Yerushalmi presents it. The bas kol actually said chutz me'acher. The way you are now, there's no possibility of teshuvah. But if you'll return to yourself, you can do teshuvah. And he, tragically, understood, misunderstood that bas kol as not rejecting Acher, but as rejecting Elisha ben Avuya. The native Yiddish speakers will forgive my accent please, I'll read you a couple of lines from the original.

איר ווייסט וואס האט אלישע בן אבויה מורד געווען אין בורא עולם?

You know why Elisha ben Avuya rebelled against Ribono Shel Olam?

טראץ דעם וואס ער איז געווען אזוי גרויס אין תורה?

Despite the fact that he was so great in Torah? ווייל דער תנא האט נישט פארשטאנען זיין אייגענעם כח. Because the Tanna, the heilige Tanna Elisha ben Avuya, didn't understand his own eigenem koach. לא ידע את כחו ומרד בעצמו. He first rebelled against himself. די אייגענע איך אומאוויסנדהייט. His own self-ignorance. And un zelbst misrepresentation, it's a cognate in Yiddish, and the self-misrepresentation האבן גורם געווען דעם טראגישן חטא caused the tragic cheit. Elul is a time for a person to believe in himself, herself, first and foremost in the ability to do teshuvah, and beyond that to have expanded horizons of what a person can do and what a person can accomplish. There is a third meaning of teshuvah. There's teshuvah min hachet, withdrawing, pulling back from cheit. There's teshuvah el atzmo, a person returning to himself. And of course, ושבת עד ה' אלהיך, shuvu elai. But in truth... Number two and number three when a person returns to himself and when a person returns to the Ribono Shel Olam are really hainu hach so we'll come just we'll give the Maharal the last word if you come in os daled again in on page one the second excerpt from the Netivat Teshuva.

ויש לך לדעת עניין התשובה שהוא שב אל ה' יתברך.

You should understand the the substance of teshuva that a person returns to Ha-Kadosh Baruch Hu

מסלק עצמו מן החטא התשובה הזאת אי אפשר רק כאשר יש לו הפשיטות מן החטא לגמרי. וזהו שאמר גדולה תשובה שמגעת עד כיסא הכבוד.

The same Gemara in Yoma also depicts teshuva that it reaches kavyachol Ha-Kadosh Baruch Hu's throne כי משם התחלת ההוויה מן האדם. Because that's where our neshamos come from. When a person returns to his or her true self, when a person begins by recognizing his or her true abilities, doesn't sell himself herself short, recognizes what the נשמה טהורה שנתת בי is capable of, is capable of in our ben adam lachaveiro, ben adam leatzmo, ben adam lamakom, a person realizes that, a person acts on it, a person is shav el Hashem.