Pre-Selichos 5768

As we all do, I have occasion, unfortunately, from time to time to attend a levaya, to go visit in a beis avel. Often I leave with the sense of distress and depression. Now, maybe you'll suggest that the source of that distress and depression is the stark encounter with one's mortality, and maybe that is a partial cause. And it would be an entirely appropriate topic to discuss and to focus on before Slichos. The Western attempt, the Western culture of denial of death is certainly one that we need to be aware of and it's a topic worthy of discussion. But there's definitely another cause for that sense of distress and depression and one that I'd like to unburden myself and share with you. But it needs a context, needs a broader context. So let's leave that question aside for the moment and zero in on the calendar. In nine days, be'ezras Hashem, it will be Rosh Hashana. And yet, that reality notwithstanding, I think many of us, if we're honest with ourselves, would have to admit that either we feel no hisorerus, no awakening, no arousal, or certainly not an adequate degree of that awakening and arousal. No eimas hadin, no sense of fear and awe at the impending judgment. How is that? Why is that? So let's look at two meshalim and try to understand. Imagine a child with his or her mother in a department store. They pass by the toy section and the child's attention becomes riveted on the whole array of toys and isn't really cognizant of straying from his or her mother, so enraptured and so mesmerized by all the toys. The child's happy, blissfully happy. Then the child looks up and sees that his or her mother is not around. All of a sudden, the same surroundings, but now all of a sudden, the child becomes terrified. Imagine a plane flying in the Middle East. Due to some navigation error, the plane veers off course and the pilot becomes aware that they're flying, flying over Iranian airspace. The passengers are obviously unaware of what's going on in the cockpit, they're not privy to this information. So in the passenger section of the plane, everything is normal, the same level of comfort, the same banter and conversation continues. In the cockpit... before there ever is is discovered on the ground below. What what's the point of the mashal? Teshuvah, as the semantics of the word indicate, means to return, to find one's way back to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. If we don't know that we're lost, how can we expect there to be any hisorerus for teshuvah? As long as the child is just looking at the at all the toys and hasn't noticed that he she has wandered away from from the mother, child's happy. It's only at that moment of recognition where's my mother, that's when the fear grips the child. As long as the passengers are unaware of what's going on in the in the in the cockpit, they're happy. If word will reach them and they'll become aware that they're lost, so then all of a sudden then there's a reaction. If we don't know that we're lost, there can't be any awakening, there can't be any arousal to find our way back. The second answer or the second part of the answer is that even what we do know and even when we know, but we don't manage to feel what we know. The first phrase of the pasuk of Veyadata Hayom we relate to, but the Vehashveisa El Levavecha it doesn't elicit that reaction. Why not? Chazal tell us in the Gemara in Yoma ונטמתם בם עבירה מטמטמת לבו של אדם. Aveiros desensitize us, aveiros make us numb. I'd like to take a few minutes tonight together to explore the first answer or the first part of the answer, why we don't realize that we're lost and how that prevents the hisorerus for teshuvah. In order for a person to know that he or she is lost, a person has to know: who am I? And where do I belong? Where am I supposed to be? If I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm supposed to be, I can't have any sense of being lost. So who am I? So if you ask me that question, I'll tell you. I'll tell you well, by profession I'm a teacher, and I'll tell you where I live and I live in North Riverdale and if you're interested in details about my family. And I think that's how most of us would respond. Well, how how how would the Torah have us respond to this question? When asked who am I, if we were to give an answer that would be faithful to, that would reflect the sources in the Torah, what would the answer to that question be? And here I'd just like to emphasize very, very clearly that individuality notwithstanding, what we're about to discuss is the answer for every one of us. The answer for every Jew is what we're going to discuss. Individuality notwithstanding, the individuality is within what we're talking about, but everything we're saying is true of every single one of us, of every single Jew. There is a pasuk in Sefer Iyov. The pasuk in Sefer Iyov says עור ובשר תלבישני ובעצמות וגידים תשככני. Hakadosh Baruch Hu, You have clothed me with skin and flesh, and You've covered me up You with bones and sinews. I’m reading now from the Chofetz Chaim’s introduction to his work Shemiras HaLashon, but he here is going in the footsteps of Rav Chaim Vital. The pasuk refers to our body, skin, the flesh, the bones, the sinews, and refers to it as a levush, as a clothing, usach, and as a covering. So apparently that’s not the real us. That’s we’re clothed within that. Clearly the real us is the neshama, not distinguishing for our purposes between nefesh, ruach, and neshama. So who am I? The essence of a person is the soul. That’s the essence of who each and every one of us is. Dovid HaMelech says in Sefer Tehillim ותחסרהו מעט מאלוקים וכבוד והדר תעטרהו. Man is just a notch lower than the angels and you crown him with kvod and hod. What does kvod mean? So the Baal HaMaor, one of the major commentaries on the Talmud in his introduction to his work, talks about how the word kvod, which we generally translate as glory, in other contexts respect, oftentimes refers to neshama, refers to the soul. In the introduction to Pesukei D’Zimra למען יזמרך כבוד ולא ידום that the soul will sing to You HaKadosh Baruch Hu and will not be silent. So kvod refers to a person’s soul. Malbim explains because that’s his glory, the fact that a person is endowed, is infused with something so holy. So who is man? Vechavod vehadar te’atereihu, someone who’s crowned with a soul. Says the Malbim explicating the pasuk that the Rishonim understand the pasuk like this as well: עיקר עצמות האדם ואמיתתו הוא נפשו השכלית. The real essence, the true person is the soul, the soul that’s capable of thought, of understanding, of relating to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. That’s who the real person is. Vechavod vehadar te’atereihu. Well let’s continue again our search for ourselves, for self-identity. Ramban has a most remarkable comment. The end of Parshas Acharei Mos after the Torah lists all the forbidden incestuous relationships and the Torah prescribes the punishment of kares Rachmana Litzlan, of excision, Ramban has a remarkable comment. He says you should know and understand that this dire punishment of kares, which is assigned to the person’s soul, is a source of בטחון גדול בקיום הנפשות אחרי המיתה. It’s a source of tremendous belief and trust in the immortality of the soul. The Ramban goes on to say it’s clear from the psukim that the natural state of affairs is that the soul lives eternally. The natural state of affairs is that the soul, again, the essence of a person, that which is clothed in flesh, skin, and covered with bones and sinews. There's an aberration. Chet, sin is an aberration, and that aberration can cause Rachmana litzlan, God forbid, the soul to be cut off. But implicit in that, says the Ramban, is that the natural state of affairs is that the soul is immortal. If we don't ruin it, if we don't corrupt it, if we don't distort its essence, so the natural state of affairs is that the soul is something immortal. And it's only in these, again, terrible exceptional circumstances, circumstances of egregious sinning that then avono bah, so then the soul is cut off. But the natural state of affairs is that the neshama, the soul is something immortal. Why is it an immortal?

כי נשמת האדם נר ה׳ אשר נפחה באפינו מפי עליון ונשמת שדי כמו שנאמר ויפח באפיו נשמת חיים

the soul of a person which was infused as it were, kavayachol from the mouth of Hashem,

הנה היא בענינה ולא תמות קיומה ראוי והוא עומד לעד.

Again, its natural state is to exist eternally. And then the Ramban has a remarkable observation. He says the Torah never tells you that בזכות המצוה יהיה קיומה, the Torah doesn't tell you that you need the merit of the mitzvah to endow the soul with eternity, with immortality. The Torah rather tells us כי בעונש העבירות תכרת מן הקיום הראוי. The soul is on track for eternal life, to be immortal, unless, God forbid, we cause it to go off track. Another passage to help us in our self-understanding. The Meshech Chochma in Parshas Bo describes how the polytheism basically they deified human feelings, emotions, desires, they deified so they then they had a god of love and a god of beauty. And their notion of deity was rooted in the physical. And that was the foundation for the idolatrous belief. Says the Meshech Chochma, lochen Hashem the Hakadosh Baruch Hu can't be captured in such categories. Avraham Avinu understood that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is not part of creation. Hakadosh Baruch Hu can't be described. He can't be apprehended because if he could be described, if he could be apprehended, so then that would be imposing a definition and a limit on him. And Hakadosh Baruch Hu is eternal, Hakadosh Baruch Hu is transcendent, Hakadosh Baruch Hu is one, all of which defies any type of physical categorization. Who's capable of such belief? The Meshech Chochma says כתב רבינו בחיי הזקן, Rabbeinu Bachya in the Chovos Halevavos says that to be able to relate to such a Hakadosh Baruch Hu, לא יעבדו באמת רק הפילוסוף או הנביא you have to be a philosopher or a prophet. And yet ubichol zos says the Meshech Chochma, כל ישראל מאמינים באמת מציאותו ואחדותו ענין מושכל כזה and yet every Jew... whom we can't see, whom we can't define in all our categories because all our categories are categories which which are rooted in the physical and the here and now and HaKadosh Baruch Hu is eternal and beyond all that and above all that. And yet this religion that you would think could only be entrée for a philosopher or a prophet, Kol Yisrael, every Jew cultivates because every Jew is capable of that belief. כל האומה נשחטת ונהנקת בשביל מציאותו יתברך ואחדותו. Every Jew is ready to go and die al Kiddush Hashem for this belief. It's also part of the answer to each of us to who am I? And finally, before we try to take stock of the different components to the answer, one last source, Rav Chaim Volozhiner comments the Torah describes in Parshas Bereishis after HaKadosh Baruch Hu infuses the nishmas chayim into Adam, so the Torah says ויהי האדם לנפש חיה. But after HaKadosh Baruch Hu infused the soul, Adam became—now what the pasuk could have said is ויהי האדם לנפש חיה, Adam became nefesh chaya, a living being, a living soul. The pasuk doesn't say that. It doesn't say ויהי האדם לנפש חיה. There's a lamed, ויהי האדם לנפש חיה. What does it mean? Says the Nefesh HaChaim, what the pasuk means is that Adam HaRishon became the nefesh of the entire beriah, of the entire creation. That he now animates the entire creation. His actions determine the destiny of the entire creation, ויהי האדם לנפש חיה. When HaKadosh Baruch Hu infused that neshamah into Adam, it's not only that Adam went from from an inanimate clump of clay into a living being, but he became le-nefesh chaya, not only nefesh chaya, but he became le-nefesh chaya. Now Adam, Adam became the nefesh chaya, the the soul of the universe, the soul of the entire creation. So now let's perhaps pose the question again: who am I? Well, the real me, and again, this is the answer for every one of us, the real me is my neshamah, is my soul. A soul so holy, initially so pure that its natural state is to endure eternally. A soul endowed with such capacities that it can relate to HaKadosh Baruch Hu, which is something which seems to defy logic that we should be able to, and yet this neshamah, the real me inside the עור ובשר ועצמות וגידים, the flesh and and skin and and bones and and sinews, but the real me can relate and does relate to the Ribono Shel Olam. And it's the real me who's the engine of the entire beriah. And as I go, so goes the entire cosmos, the entire creation. That's the answer for each and every one of us. Maybe just to to repeat it in in poetic form, the Otzar HaTefillos... quotes a very beautiful I guess poem from Rabbeinu Bachya, the author of the Chovos Halevavos, and and it's entitled Tochacha bediyuk. Nafshi, my soul, Rabbeinu Bachya is talking to himself. Nafshi, my soul, אל תהיי כסוס כפרד אין הבין. Don't be like a horse, a mule that doesn't understand. וכשכור נרדם ואיש נדהם, and like a drunk who's been lulled into sleep from the intoxication. כי ממקור בינה כורת, you you were formed from the source of understanding. Umimaayan chochma lukacht, and from a wellspring of wisdom you were taken. Umimakom kadosh huvas, and from a holy place you were brought. Ume'ir gibborim, and from a city of gibborim, of the mighty, hutzas, you were taken out מאת השם מן השמיים. That's the self-realization that each of us should have. Or another poetic reformulation, just a line from the famous song of Ode LoKeil. It begins שימו לב אל הנשמה, pay attention to the soul. Leshem shevo veachlama, precious like like jewels. Ora keor hachama, its light is like the light of the sun. And then the next stanza: Mikissei chavod chutzava, it was hewn from HaKadosh Baruch Hu's throne. That's where the neshama that beats within us, that resides within us, it was hewn from HaKadosh Baruch Hu's throne. Its destiny in this world lagur be'eretz arava, to live in in a land of wilderness. Once we're able to answer the question of who we are, what are our abilities, what are our capacities, we can hope to answer the question of what is life all about and what am I supposed to be doing with those abilities. If someone becomes aware of the fact that he's extraordinarily gifted athletically, then he shouldn't be wasting his time, he shouldn't be squandering his talents in pickup ball, he should be playing on the highest level of professional sports. Mimaayan chochma, mikissei chavod chutzava, so the real me, again, each and every one of us, hewn from HaKadosh Baruch Hu's throne, drawn from a spring of wisdom, a source of understanding, a holy place. So what's life about? What are the nisyonos, what are the potential distractions in life and what is life actually about? Again, let's return to the words of the Ramban. Ramban at the end of Parshas Bo: Kavanos kol hamitzvos, the intention of all mitzvos, shenamin Belokeinu, we should believe in HaKadosh Baruch Hu, venodeh eilav, we should acknowledge and thank him, shehu bera'anu, that he created us. Vezeh, says the Ramban, and this Awareness, acknowledgment, thanksgiving, kavanas ha-yetzira is the intention of creation. שאין לנו טעם אחר ביצירה הראשונה. There is no other reason, no other understanding or perspective that we can have on creation. ואין אל עליון חפץ בתחתונים. Hakadosh Baruch Hu's only interest in man, in us, שידע האדם ויודה לאלוהיו שבראו, that a person should know and should thank and acknowledge Hakadosh Baruch Hu that He created him. In Mesilas Yesharim, again, once a person knows, who am I, what am I,

מה שביארו חז"ל שהאדם לא נברא אלא להתענג על השם.

What our sages have taught us, that a person was created for the explicit and exclusive purpose, lehisaneg al Hashem, to delight in his relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, v'leihanos miziv shechinaso, and to bask in the splendor of Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence. Rabbeinu Yonah, in the beginning of Shaarei Teshuva, הנה הבורא נפח באפי נשמת חיים. The Creator infused within me nishmas chayim, a neshama, a soul of life, chochmas leiv, wise, tovas seichel, discerning, understanding, lehakiro u'liyarei milfanav, to recognize Hakadosh Baruch Hu, to be aware of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and to fear Him. ולמשול בגוף וכל תולדותיו, and it should be the neshama which rules over the body with its physical impulses and not vice versa. So now, after this rather lengthy introduction, I'd like to tell you why attending levayas, visiting houses of mourning, sometimes is a source of acute distress and depression for me. One sits and listens to the eulogies and one hears what the person's favorite food was. His favorite food, I'll give a parallel example to ones I've heard, none of this am I drawing upon my imagination, rabosai, coffee cake. Loved coffee cake. He loved to eat b'cholal, he loved to eat. That's part of the demus, part of the portrait that's being painted. Avid sports fan, fill in the blank. So these inconsequential matters loom large enough, they rank sufficiently in people's minds, in our minds, that when we're trying to draw the contours of a person, that's part of what stands out. Whether the error is only in the person delivering the eulogy, the person talking about the niftar, about the deceased. Knowing that it was only the former, there's all kinds of nisyonos in life, all kinds of mundane obligations, all kinds of involvements in olam hazeh in this world with which Hakadosh Baruch Hu challenges us and which can and are opportunities for avodas Hashem. But at the minute we lose sight of that and it takes on a life of its own, importance of its own, the very minute anything in olam hazeh becomes significant for anything for any purpose other than the service of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, other than building a bridge to olam haba, it means that we've lost our self-identity, our self-understanding. You know, if you have to repair a window in your home, so you go to Home Depot, you go to Home Depot, they have everything, and if you're handy, it's a dream come true. Okay, but you have to be focused on what do I need here? You can't put everything into your wagon. If you put everything into your wagon, maybe you'll have room for the window, maybe you won't have room for the window, but you're certainly not going to be focused on it. And if I do that, I'm going to walk out of the store bankrupt. There's a lot in this world, but we're supposed to realize that within this world, the only thing that validates it is if it connects us to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Anything in this world, if it's not connecting us to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, is not significant. If my teaching isn't a part of that, it's not significant. Then it's not part of who I am. When Jonah was asked who are you, so on Yom Kippur to Mincha, so we read, Yona Hanavi understood, Ivri anochi. The Targum says Yehuda ana, I'm a Jew, ואת השם אלוקי השמים אני ירא and Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the God of the heavens I fear. That's who I am. That's what I am. Everything else, if it's meaningful, if it's to be validated, has to flow from that basic basic understanding. But let's try to understand a little bit more rabosai what life is about. In Maseches Niddah, the Gemara tells us, this is the braisa which the Baal HaTanya begins his work, which Likkutei Amarim Tanya with, that as a child is about to be born, so an oath is administered. And the oath is תהי צדיק ואל תהי רשע, be righteous and don't be wicked. What's the significance of an oath? Why is it administered as an oath as opposed to a charge in some other form of fashion? So the Rav zichrono livracha says we find that when Avraham Avinu was sending Eliezer on a mission, he administers an oath. And when Yaakov wanted Yosef to undertake the sacred trust of making sure that he be interred in Eretz Yisrael, he administers an oath. Yosef does the same with Bnei Yisrael prior to his passing. An oath is associated with a shlichus. When you're sending a person on a mission, so the charge for that mission is given, is administered in the form of an oath. A person comes into this world on a mission. A person has a shlichus. It's a remarkable otherwise unthinkable notion that that that we're emissaries of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, but that's the way it is. משביעין אותו תהי צדיק ואל תהי רשע the same way Avraham Avinu said to Eliezer, you're going as my emissary on a mission, and I'm administering the oath that you should be faithful to that mission. Hakadosh Baruch Hu says you're going as my emissary into this world of mine and I'm administering an oath that you carry out that mission faithfully. It's interesting to note, in English I suspect it must be the same way in all languages, when you talk about taking an oath, I take an oath, I swear, I adjure, it's it's it's in the active voice. I swear, I take an oath, it's in the active voice. How do you say it in Lashon Hakodesh? How do you say it in Hebrew, I swear? Ani nishba. It's in the passive voice. Why is it in the passive voice? Why is it in the passive voice? So apparently, again the same idea as as the Rav's association with shvuah, between shvuah, between an oath and and and the mission, when a person swears it's not some kind of pledge or commitment which is external to him. No, he is sworn. Literally the concept of shvuah for the Torah is not that I swear, but I'm sworn. Meaning it's something which goes to the very core of who I am or what I am. Ani nishba. I'm sworn. There's nothing external about this pledge or commitment. It goes to the very essence and the very core of my being. So what does all this mean halacha l'maaseh, rabosai? Erev Rosh Hashanah isn't the time for for theorizing. What does it mean halacha l'maaseh? First of all, we need to reinforce the pasuk in Sefer Iyov, the pasuk in Sefer Tehillim, the Ramban, the Nefesh Hachaim, the Meshech Chochma. We need to know who we are. We need to know who we are. Once we know who we are, then the hisorerus for teshuvah comes. The end of the sentence in the Rabbeinu Yonah that we read before or the end of this this section, v'acharei, again, הנה הבורא נפח באפי the Creator infused within me nishmas chayim a neshamah of life, wise and understanding to recognize Him and to fear Him, to rule over the body and all its its impulses. ואחרי אשר בעבור זאת נבראתי and given that I was created for this purpose vayehi behafech mizeh but I live my life just the opposite, lama li chayim? If a person understands, if he realizes that he's the most gifted athlete of his generation and he's wasting his time, he's squandering his talent playing pickup ball, he could be on on on on a direct path, on the fast track to the Hall of Fame and he's wasting his time in in C-ball in in the minor leagues, so you know what initially depressing that has to be? But after the depression subsides, how galvanizing that has to be? So I have to go and I have to use it, I have to make the most of it. The Ribbono Shel Olam gave me a neshamah, mikeiseh kavod chutzeivah hewn from His throne, a neshamah which allows me as the Meshech Chochma... one would have thought that Jewish belief would only be accessible to to the greatest of philosophers or prophets, and yet every Jew has that capacity, can cultivate it. So we have to know that, we have to reinforce who am I? What's essential in life? What's part of my mission? And what threatens to distract me from my mission? What did I come to the store to get? There's different things in the store because different people need to draw on different things to carry out their mission. Maybe I have a broken window, so I'm going to the Home Depot to get to get a window pane. Someone else has to repair his roof, someone else has to repair the floor. There's all kinds of things there. But a person has to know what his mission is and not to be distracted. A person has to know that olam hazeh is here for the purpose and our sojourn in olam hazeh is not is not is not a visit to the to the to the entertainment to the amusement park. It's to take from olam hazeh what can be incorporated into my life of avodas hashem, of serving Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It's to take those materials to build a bridge from olam hazeh to olam haba. That has to be our aspiration, that has to be our goal. How do we start to implement that? How do we start to try to achieve that aspiration? So briefly let's just mention four areas. The daily anchor of a person's life is tefillah, is davening. But what's true for all mitzvos in general is true for tefillah in particular. A person doesn't get any more out of the mitzvah than he invests in the mitzvah. If there's a deadline that davening on a non-Krias HaTorah day can't take more than half an hour, and and that then entails that there are certain parts of davening which even lechatchila I plan on skipping, so that's what I'm going to get out of tefillah. I'm going to get out of tefillah exactly what I put into tefillah. If if it's a rush without having time to for the meaning of the words to register, without my being able to process what I'm saying, you get out of tefillah what you put into tefillah. Tefillah has the potential to anchor a person. A person davens erev v'voker v'tzahorayim, Chazal say because those are the three time periods of the day. Every time period of one's life is supposed to be anchored in tefillah. And and why is it that we have to constrict tefillah within these boundaries? Because we're busy. Busy with professional obligations, personal obligations. Ay, but without the siyata d'shmaya I can't carry out any professional obligation, I can't carry out any personal obligation. So what? I'm running out of shul to do what? I'm running out of shul to do that which I need shul to empower me to do. A person knows, discovers who I am, so the first thing I have to do in terms of my daily anchor is to invest in tefillah. If tefillah is the daily anchor, Shabbos is the anchor of the week. Shabbos also needs investment. La'asos es haShabbos, a person has to make Shabbos. If a person really wants to experience kedushas Shabbos, he has to make Shabbos. He has to invest, singing zemiros on Shabbos. He has to invest by by increasing the quotient of Talmud Torah in his life on Shabbos. His life is changed. But it requires investment. It requires work. And if tefillah is the daily anchor, and Shabbos the weekly anchor, Talmud Torah is the anchor of one's life. However much we learn, a person has to ask himself: Is that really all I have time for? Maybe currently I learn a half hour daily, maybe currently I learn four hours daily. But is it true that that's all given the circumstances of life, my temperament, and everything, all the other variables that need to be considered, is that really all I have time for? And finally, once we know who we are, what life is about, Torah, tefillah, Shabbos are anchors of life, tikkun hamiddos, correcting, refining one's character, is the essence of life, maybe even the prerequisite. We have to do our best to develop a sense of self-awareness. Perhaps the worst cheit in the Torah is lying to oneself, being dishonest with oneself. If we cultivate that self-awareness, I suspect that we'll discover a pettiness which is unbecoming for who we really are. Again, a soul from a source of wisdom, of holiness, hewn from Hakadosh Baruch Hu's Kisei Hakavod. I suspect that we might find at times a touch of arrogance, a touch of anger, a touch of taavah, of desire. And we need to identify and target these weaknesses, flaws, failings in our character. And answer and carry out the shlichus and be true to that shvuah which was administered before each and every one of us was born. One of the halachos in a shvuah is if a person takes a shvuah that he's not going to sleep for three days, so that's a shvuas shav. It's a shvuah, it's an oath taken in vain because if you can't fulfill it, if it's impossible to be fulfilled, you don't even have to try. You don't have to hold out as long as possible because the shvuah's not binding. There's a different prohibition that a person violates for taking a shvuah, an oath in vain. But it's not binding. If Hakadosh Baruch Hu administers a shvuah, it means that that shvuah isn't chas v'shalom something which is beyond us. Doesn't mean that it's easy. Doesn't mean that we can coast. But it means that if משביעין אותו תהי צדיק ואל תהי רשע it means that every one of us, who am I? Someone endowed with a holy and pure and noble soul from the highest highest realms. And I, and again, this is every one of us speaking, and I have the ability and I have the capacity to live in a way. way that reflects who the real me is. And I have the ability and I have the capacity to come back after my mission, after the time of my mission is up, and to be able to say I carried out that mission. I was a tzaddik. I have that ability because the real me, the real me is this holy, holy neshama which Hakadosh Baruch Hu infused within me. And if only I won't allow myself to be distracted and to lose sight of who I am. If only when I realize and I regain this self-understanding as to who I am, I seize the opportunity and I feel the hisorerus, I feel the awakening, I feel the arousal to do teshuva so then I can get back on track. On track, the track is eternity, the track is immortality because that's the stuff of which our neshamos are made. L'chaim.