Pre-Selichos 5765

The Yomim Noraim are approaching. We know we're supposed to do teshuva. We know we're supposed to be preparing. We've heard countless droshes over the years. And yet, unbelievably and inexplicably, we can find ourselves already on the night of Selichos an hour before chatzos, totally uninspired, lifeless. Mundane tasks in life can be attended to even if one's heart isn't in it. But teshuva, as the Rav drilled home, is a kiyum shebalev. If one's heart isn't in it, one can't do teshuva. And here it is a week and a half before Yom Noraim, I'm comfortable, comfortably complacent. What does a person do? What do I do? Rabbeinu Yonah describes the condition.

לא ימצא עיקר התשובה זולתי בעמי הארץ אשר הם ישנים שוכבים ולא ישיבו אל לבבם.

Delaying, procrastinating in doing teshuva, a lack of hisorerus, a lack of an awakening to teshuva is only found amongst those who are sleeping and in their slumber can't take anything to heart. ולא דעת ולא תבונה להם למהר להמלט על נפשם. And in their sleep, obviously they lack the knowledge, they lack the understanding to realize that they should be seeking the refuge of teshuva. So that's the diagnosis. If we find ourselves an hour before Selichos uninspired, find ourselves cold, lifeless, not trembling at our lack of preparedness, maybe intellectually aware but not emotionally reacting or responding to our lack of preparedness for the Yomim Noraim, it means we're sleeping. It means that the yetzer hara for sleep, a deep desensitizing sleep holds sway over us. So how do we counter a yetzer hara in general and how do we counter this yetzer hara in particular? Chazal tell us in the Gemara in Berachos that לעולם ירגיז אדם יצר הטוב על יצר הרע. A person should agitate the yetzer hatov to combat, to overcome the yetzer hara. Im nitzcho mutav. If he prevails already at that stage, fine and well. Otherwise, yaasok batorah. Let him immerse himself in Talmud Torah. Im nitzcho mutav, if he prevails over the yetzer hara through his immersion in Talmud Torah, fine and well. אם לאו יקרא קריאת שמע. But if not, let him proceed, let him read krias shema. Im nitzcho mutav, if he prevails, fine and well. ואם לאו יזכיר לו יום המיתה. And if not, let him as a last resort remind himself of his mortality, of every person's fate. Let's try to understand each of these approaches one by one. לעולם ירגיז אדם יצר הטוב על יצר הרע. Not just yafil, not just activate, but yargiz. A person has to agitate the yetzer hatov. Every one of us has a remarkable tremendous capacity for ruchnius, for avodas hashem. Dovid Hamelech says vatachasrehu meat melokim. Famous Rambam in hilchos geirushin where the Rambam says how can it be that we coerce a person whether it's to give a get when he's obligated to give a get and he's refusing to do so, whether it's coercion to fulfill a mitzvah when he rebelliously refuses to do so? So of what worth, of what value, is the act done under the force of coercion when it has to be done willingly? Says the Rambam, because deep down the person really wants to do what's right. It's a weakness; he's succumbing to the weakness. The coercion is to let him activate and realize the genuine ratzon hapnimi, his real inner will and inner desire. The Baal HaTanya explains very beautifully. He says that there is a natural capacity, and more than that, a natural inclination, more than that, a natural instinct, for ahavas Hashem, which every Jew possesses. Every Jew, without exception, has this not only capacity, not only inclination, but instinct for ahavas Hashem. That's how strong the yeitzer hatov is within us. And the Baal HaTanya explains very beautifully:

אך אחת היא אהבה הכלולה מכל בחינות ומדרגות אהבה רבה ואהבת עולם והיא שוה לכל נפש מישראל וירושה לנו מאבותינו.

There is a, again, a capacity, an instinct for love which is common to every Jew, which we have as an inheritance from Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. The Zohar comments, he quotes on the passuk, napshi ivisicha, my soul, I desire you.

כלומר מפני שאתה השם נפשי וחיי האמיתיים לכך אויתיך פירוש שאני מתאוה ותאב לך כאדם המתאוה לחיי נפשו.

Baal HaTanya says something remarkably profound here. Perhaps the most basic instinct that every person with sound mental health possesses is the instinct of self-love. Everyone, the most noble, the most altruistic of people, have a powerful, powerful sense of self-love. We all have it. Says the Baal HaTanya, but ultimately, ultimately, so how do we exist? What is the source of our existence? The source of our existence is Hakadosh Baruch Hu. We don't have any kind of independent existence. We exist because Hakadosh Baruch Hu lets us share in His existence. That's the case, says the Baal HaTanya, on a deeper level. That instinct, again, primal, basic, fundamental, which every person has for self-love, in a Jew ultimately that really is an instinct for

אהבת הקדוש ברוך הוא. נפשי אויתיך כלומר מפני שאתה השם נפשי.

A person desires, a person loves himself, but כלומר מפני שאתה השם נפשי, you, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, I share in Your existence, vachayai ha'amitiyim, my life really, ultimately, is from You, because of You, through You, lecha ivisicha. That's why I desire You. So that capacity which everyone has, a natural for self-love, is in reality a capacity for ahavas haborei, for

אהבת הקדוש ברוך הוא. ואהבה רבה וגדולה מזו והיא מסותרת גם כן בכל נפש מישראל בירושה מאבותינו.

There's an even greater love, even greater level of love, again, which is embedded, the potential, the instinct for this love, an even greater one than the one described until now, which is embedded in every neshama, again, an inheritance from the avos:

הוא מה שכתוב כברא דאשתדל בתר אבוי ואימיה. דרחים לון יתיר מגרמיה ונפשיה ורוחיה כי הלא אב אחד לכולנו.

Even stronger than the self-love which everyone has is the instinctive love which a child has for his parents. That love which a child has, that instinctive love long before the child has reached any of the stages of cognitive reasoning or understanding, there's an instinctive primal love which a child has for parents. It's so strong that we see, we see that even rachmana litzlan when the parents don't do right by the child, even if the parents mistreat the child, whatever other ambivalence there may be, but that love is not uprooted. It's an even stronger, stronger and more powerful instinct than the instinct for self-love is the love we have for our parents. Says the Baal HaTanya, כי הלא אב אחד לכולנו. But ultimately, ultimately the main shutof, the main partner, the the primary parent each of us has is a Ribono Shel Olam. That instinct, that yetzer hatov that we have for love for one's parent is ultimately is in reality yerusha me'avoseinu. It's part of our our inheritance from the avos is really a capacity and instinct for love for Hakadosh Baruch Hu. לעולם ירגיז אדם יצר טוב על יצר הרע. The yetzer hatov within us is so great and potentially so powerful it only lies dormant, but a person has to be willing to agitate the yetzer hatov. Sometimes a simple appeal to the yetzer hatov, sometimes the yetzer hatov doesn't respond. Maybe the sleep is too deep. Maybe the you sort of hear someone when you're in a deep sleep and you hear a voice, sometimes you hear it but you can't really distinguish whether it's a voice in the dream, whether you're really waking up, you don't hear it loud enough. Sometimes you have to shake, have to shake the person that he should hear it. לעולם ירגיז אדם יצר טוב על יצר הרע. Sometimes there's a need to agitate the yetzer hatov. One of the major impediments to avodas Hashem in our generation is that the Western world and we should never ever underestimate the influence that our society, its values, its norms and its mores exert upon us. Our society, the Western world lives by an ethos of take it easy. The American dream is to live on easy street. And that affects us much more than we're aware. We're hesitant if not downright totally unwilling to push ourselves. ירגיז אדם יצר טוב. Agitate the yetzer hatov, push ourselves, drive ourselves to awaken and to realize that potential is too often alien to us. And yet that's what Chazal tell us לעולם ירגיז אדם יצר טוב על יצר הרע. There are times in life when we don't respond to a gentle nudging, to words of encouragement. They have their time and place, but there's also a time and place for l'olam yargeez, that a person has to agitate that yetzer hatov to overcome the yetzer hara which holds him in a deep slumber. The Western ethos is take it easy, aspire to live on easy street, the Torah tells us adam l'amal yulad. And too often sadly and tragically we sleep for extended periods because we're unwilling to be margeez the yetzer hatov, unwilling to push, unwilling to drive ourselves. But what happens, what happens if that agitation of the yetzer hatov isn't successful? Somehow the sleep is so deep that it still still holds its grip upon us. Im nitzcho mutav, fine and well and halevai that would be the case, but אם לאו יעסוק בתורה. Let a person immerse himself in talmud Torah. How is talmud Torah an antidote to this yetzer hara? כשאדם מבין ומשיג איזו הלכה When a person understands and apprehends a halacha, הרי שכלו מלובש בה באותה שעה. His intellect becomes clothed with that halacha. Vihineh halacha zu, this halacha, היא חכמתו ורצונו של הקדוש ברוך הוא. It's the wisdom and the will of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Harei zeh, this person who's learning, he's understanding, he's apprehending a halacha,

הרי זה משיג ותופס בשכלו רצונו וחכמתו של הקדוש ברוך הוא.

He's apprehending with his sechel, with his intellect, the will and the wisdom of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Hu yichud nifla. This is a wondrous, wondrous unity שאין כמוהו ולא כערכו נמצא כלל. There is nothing which parallels, nothing which can equal that unity, that unification which happens when a person wraps his head, wraps his mind around the devar Hashem. Kach kasav harav, the Rav says, הרב הזקן ז"ל בספר ליקוטי אמרים. This is how the Ba'al HaTanya in his textbook for Chasidus writes about Talmud Torah. Quote number two: ויכוין להתדבק בלימודו בתורה בו בהקדוש ברוך הוא. A person should intend, should attempt through his Talmud Torah to cling to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. היינו להתדבק בכל כחותיו לדבר ה' זו הלכה. To cling with all his resources, with all his energies, with all his faculties to the word of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, to the halacha. Ubizeh, and in this fashion הוא דבק בו יתברך ממש כביכול. And in this fashion a person clings to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, כי הוא יתברך ורצונו חד, because Hakadosh Baruch Hu and his ratzon, Hakadosh Baruch Hu and his will are one. Kemo shekasav baZohar as the Zohar Hakadosh says. וכל דין והלכה מן התורה הקדושה, any din, any halacha from Torah, hu retzono yisbarach is the will of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. אלה הדברים אשר דיבר רבי חיים מוולאז'ין in his textbook of the hashkafas olam of the Vilna Gaon or of the Misnagdim. Talmud Torah is an encounter with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. An encounter which Hakadosh Baruch Hu which has within it the potential to awaken us from a very deep slumber. And yet, the Gemara makes provisions for Talmud Torah not succeeding in awakening us. How does that happen? Well, perhaps when we learn, assuming that we do learn, perhaps we're too passive. Perhaps we sit back and passively listen to the maggid shiur instead of sitting at the edge of our seats, working through the Gemara with him. Im bechukosai teileichu, lihiyos ameilim baTorah, ואם לא תשמעו לי, the converse which introduces the brachos u'klalos in Sefer Vayikra whose counterpart we read this morning. אם לא תשמעו לי, again lihiyos ameilim baTorah. If you don't listen to me, if you don't hearken to me because you're not ameil baTorah. You don't work assiduously. You don't exert yourself in Torah. No one comments that this pasuk is intended for the greatest Rabbanim, for the greatest teachers of Torah of the generation. No one says that. This pasuk is intended for every one of us al madregaso, on his level, to the best of his ability. It will translate differently, it will manifest itself differently. How much, what will result, but the lihiyos ameilim baTorah is a mandate for everyone, everyone ba'asher hu sham. Again, it's individualized, but the mandate is a universal one. When we go to a shiur why shouldn't it be the case, why shouldn't it be the case in earlier years when we were young, when we were in school, when we were working for degrees, so we felt a sense of accountability to know the material. We take notes, we review. There's a sense of accountability: I have to master this material. Why should it be that when we go to a shiur, why should it be, no notes? Such a, we all have such photographic memories? Well, without the notes, so how are we going to do chazarah? So how are we going to make an attempt to retain what we learned? How are we going to show that our commitment to talmud torah, the amolah batorah? Every one of us should have she'ifos, should have aspirations in talmud torah. Again, the aspirations for talmud torah is not, is not just in the province of the greatest talmidei chachamim. It's for every one of us. Again, the aspirations will differ, they'll vary from individual to individual. Is it to finish tanakh? Is it to be ma'avir sedrah, chumash and rashi and all chamisha chumshei torah? Whatever the, whatever those she'ifos may be, whatever is appropriate, but every one of us has to have those she'ifos. Perhaps the yasok batorah hasn't awoken us, because maybe our investment, our time investment in talmud torah is too minimal. The weekly gemara shiur in shul, maybe even a daily shiur before or after davening, but maybe I have more time than that available for talmud torah. And maybe it's that minimal investment which prevents the talmud torah from having the effect of awakening me. And finally, maybe we're still sleeping despite our involvement in talmud torah, because maybe the talmud torah isn't registering. Maybe the talmud torah isn't being internalized. Tosafos quotes a meimar chazal עד שאדם מתפלל שיכנס תורה לתוך גופו. Don't bother, the midrash tells us, don't bother davening, don't bother beseeching hakadosh baruch hu that he should help you, that he should help us internalize divrei torah, יתפלל שלא יכנסו מעדנים לתוך גופו. As long as a person lives a life where he pursues pleasure and comfort, as long as a person lives an unduly materialistic life, so then divrei torah don't register. The divrei torah don't penetrate. And if they don't register, they don't penetrate, they don't awaken us either. We live in a culture which is addicted to materialism. It's addicted to physical pleasure, it's addicted to comfort, it's addicted to luxury, and we've allowed that addiction to affect us also. We've also been infected by that culture. And chazal tell us that divrei torah can't be נכנסים לתוך גופו של אדם as long as that barrier, that barrier of being just too shakuah, of wallowing in a culture of materialism, of being focused on physical possessions and materialistic goals, as long as a person wallows in that, so then divrei torah can't register. Divrei torah can't penetrate, we can't internalize the divrei torah, and thus the divrei torah don't result in our prevailing. Im nitzcham mutav. If our involvement with Talmud Torah awakens us, fine and good. אם לאו יקרא קריאת שמע. But if Talmud Torah doesn't awaken us, so then it's time to lain in Krias Shema. What's going to happen when we lain in Krias Shema? I lain in Krias Shema three times a day. What's going to happen when we lain in Krias Shema? Krias Shema שמע ישראל ה' אלקינו ה' אחד. Hashem is one. What does that mean? The Rav quotes from the Rambam in Moreh Nevukhim and then paraphrases a very deep but fundamental teaching in the following words. The Rambam formulates the idea of existing in Hashem. Since He is the absolute being, that's the Rambam's understanding of what Hashem tells Moshe Rabbeinu when Moshe Rabbeinu says, what's your name? Ma omar aleihem, what should I tell the Jewish people? How should I introduce you? So what Hashem answers, the way the Rambam explains, is that Ekyeh asher ekyeh means that I am being, I am existence. And since, the Rav paraphrases, He is the absolute being, no other existence is possible without sharing His being. Now, not that this Rachmana litzlan should not be confused with some kind of pantheism Rachmana litzlan. So the Rav explains. The world was created as a separate substance. We're not Hashem Rachmana litzlan. We're distinct, of course we're distinct, but not however as a separate existence. We're a separate substance but our existence is not distinct. Finitude is to be found within infinitude, temporality within eternity, the world within Hashem. Creation is an act of tolerance on the part of Hashem. He bestowed grace upon something by allowing it to share His reality. Yikra Krias Shema means to reflect upon these ideas. To reflect upon these ideas. To reflect upon the idea, again, not only does Hashem bring us into existence but we exist because we feed off of Him, we share in His existence. That's how a person exists. Could there be anything more irrational, more immoral, more cynical than a person to ignore devar Hashem, than a person to violate רחמנא ליצלן דבר ה'? We're beholden to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. He tolerates our existence as the Rav says. There could be nothing more absurd, nothing more sacrilegious than a person not recognizing that dependence, that beholdenness to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and not being oved Hashem בכל לבבו ובכל נפשו. So if agitating the yetzer hatov didn't succeed, if the Talmud Torah didn't succeed, yikra Krias Shema. Contemplate gadlus Hashem. Contemplate our total total dependence upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. That should awaken us to a sense of awe which should translate into a sense of hachna'ah, into a sense of submission before Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And yet, inexplicable and incredible though it may be, we can sleep so soundly that even this doesn't awaken us. Say Chazal... As the final resort אם לאו יזכיר לו יום המיתה. Im nitzcho mutav, if we prevailed already, fine and well. But if not יזכיר לו יום המיתה. All material comforts, physical pleasures, and worldly riches don't insulate us from yom hamisa, from the day of death. To the contrary, the seforim tell us that the more materialistic one's life, the more traumatic one's departure from this world is. When a person departs this world, he goes from this world to a spiritual world. The more spiritually primed the person is, the easier, the more seamless that transition is. The more materialistic the person is, the more wrenching and the more traumatic that transition is. The less prepared we are for the ultimate world and ultimate existence of Olam Haba. When the Rambam addresses the problem of someone ensnared by sleep, when he speaks of the remez of t'kias shofar, so the Rambam says that the t'kias shofar is a wake-up call, and a wake-up call which seeks, which tells us עורו ישנים משנתכם ונרדמים הקיצו מתרדמתכם. Awaken. חפשו במעשיכם וחזרו בתשובה וזכרו בוראכם. To whom is this wake-up call addressed says the Rambam אלו השוכחים את האמת. People who forget the truth, the ultimate reality, what really matters, what really counts, what really endures be'havlei hazman, because of transient futilities ושוגים כל שנותם בהבל וריק and they squander their lives be'hevel varik with futility and emptiness אשר לא יועיל ולא יציל which cannot help, which cannot save. Says the Rambam habitu l'nafshoseichem. Look to your souls. Look to your souls meaning look to that which endures. Look to that which endures. What endures is the neshama, is the spiritual component. That's what endures. Habitu l'nafshoseichem. So what what the Rambam says, speaking to each and every one of us, so what have we been cultivating? Have we been cultivating the guf? That doesn't, that's not a long-term investment. It's a very, very short investment. Ke'tzel over, like a passing shadow, ke'chalom ya'uf, it flies away like a dream. Habitu l'nafshoseichem. Are we cultivating, are we developing our neshamos? Because it's only that which is a long-term investment. יזכיר לו יום המיתה. Habitu l'nafshoseichem. Because on the yom hamisa, what counts, what counts is what good a person has done in terms of his avodas Hashem, in Torah, in mitzvos, in gemilus chasadim. How much pleasure he had from the world doesn't count, certainly not in any meritorious sense. But let's look ahead. Be'ezras Hashem, with siyata d'shmaya, through one of these methods, we do awaken. We do awaken. What experience awaits us? Upon awakening from this sleep described by the Rabbeinu Yona, described by the Rambam, so what what experience awakens us? What is the experience involved, what's it all about? The Gemara in Rosh Hashanah on דף י"ז עמוד ב', a well-known Gemara, it's the source for Selichos.

ויעבור ה' על פניו ויקרא. אמר רבי יוחנן אלמלא מקרא כתוב אי אפשר לאומרו.

Were this not a pasuk, we couldn't say. This is something that we could never ever presume to say on our own. מלמד שנתעטף הקדוש ברוך הוא כשליח ציבור. Hakadosh Baruch Hu kivayachol wrapped himself as a shliach tzibbur davening before the amud והראה לו למשה סדר תפילה and he instructed Moshe Rabbeinu how to daven, how to say the י"ג מידות של רחמים. אמר לו הקדוש ברוך הוא said to him, כל זמן שישראל חוטאין whenever the Jewish people sin, יעשו לפני כסדר הזה let them daven according to this formula va'ani mochel lahem and I'll forgive them. So Hakadosh Baruch Hu designated a special cheftza shel tefilla, a special, a special tefilla in the aftermath of cheit. So apparently teshuva, undertaking to do teshuva, the process of teshuva is mechayiv in tefilla. It obligates us in tefilla. And the regular tefilla of the daily mitzvah of tefilla doesn't suffice. Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Hakadosh Baruch Hu gives us a special cheftza shel tefilla, a special form of tefilla because teshuva obligates us in special tefilla. Moreover, not only is the text of the tefilla different, not only is the cheftza of tefilla different, but the whole modality of tefilla is different. How we daven. Not only what we daven, not only what we say, but how we daven differs also. The tefilla which comes as part of the teshuva process which teshuva is mechayiv, which teshuva obligates, is different not only in terms of content, the yud gimmel middos, but it's also different in terms of form. When the Rambam defines the daily mitzvah of tefilla, מצוות עשה להתפלל בכל יום, it's a mitzvah to daven daily. When the Rambam in Perek Beis of Hilchos Teshuva describes the lifestyle of someone doing teshuva, because to do teshuva is not a one-time, one-time resolution, a one-time reflection, but it's a lifestyle. Midarkei hateshuva, so what are the characteristics of the lifestyle of teshuva says the Rambam? The first one, the very first one, להיות השב צועק תמיד לפני השם בבכי ובתחנונים. The penitent, hopefully each of us, is constantly crying, tzo'ek. He's not just davening, he's not just being mispallel lifnei Hashem, but he's being צועק לפני השם תמיד. There's a constant outpouring, a constant outcry from the shav, from the penitent. Bevchi vesachanunim, he's crying, imploring Hakadosh Baruch Hu. What does this cry emanate from? What does this cry emanate from? Person cries, there has to be a trigger. Person doesn't just start crying. There's always a trigger. There's a trigger, if there's an emotional response, there's a trigger, there's something which is eliciting that emotional response. When we finally wake up, when we margiz that yetzer hatov, when we agitate the yetzer hatov, we wake up and we face the tumah of cheit, the defilement of cheit, the emptiness, the void within ourselves, due to a life where too much time, too much energy was squandered on the ephemeral and the petty, a person instinctively cries out in anguish to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And that anguish cry, להיות השב צועק תמיד לפני השם בבכי ובתחנונים, is an integral part of teshuva. Teshuva is mechayiv that sense of anguish, of crying out to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. When a person experiences physical pain, if the pain is... So too, if a person really awakens, awakens to the self-recognition of cheit, he awakens to the realization of emptiness within, however large or small that vacuum may be, but even if it's a relatively small one, the reaction is one of anguish and instinctively, instinctively translates into צועק לפני השם תמיד. In particular, we can identify at least three characteristics of ze'akah as distinct from the routine tefillah. Ze'akah, ze'akah, ze'akah. Interestingly the Rambam also speaks of ze'akah in Hilchos Taanis. When the Rambam describes the special mitzvah of tefillah in an eis tzara, when there's a time of crisis, impending disaster, so the Rambam speaks there too of ze'akah. Not, not, not the regular modality of being mispalel, but beze'akah, with crying, as an eis tzara. So first of all, ze'akah is mima'amakim. It comes from the depths. There's nothing superficial, there's nothing routine about ze'akah. When Rachmana litzlan a person has to endure physical pain, every cry emanates from within. There's nothing superficial or routine about his crying, it emanates mima'amakim. Ze'akah is also distinct from tefillah in that ze'akah reflects a transformation of the personality of the person davening to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. The pain which elicits ze'akah simply obliterates the absurd ga'avah and shocking chutzpah which we too often harbor within ourselves. Again, take the mashal of physical pain. When a person experiences the helplessness of enduring pain, he's totally helpless to combat the pain, even alleviate the pain, all ga'avah, all vestiges of ga'avah, of arrogance, of chutzpah evaporate. There's no ga'avah, there's no chutzpah in the face of total helplessness. When a person is reduced to this painful state, even in the case of physical pain, again, there's no vestige left of any ga'avah or any chutzpah. When a person is zo'ek to HaKadosh Baruch Hu, when a person recognizes cheit which represents betrayal of HaKadosh Baruch Hu, and as the Rabbeinu Yonah explains in Sha'arei Teshuva, it also represents an existential failure. There's nothing tangential about it. Cheit represents an existential failure. This is what we exist for. This is what we exist for. So the ze'akah, when a person is zo'ek to HaKadosh Baruch Hu, for that ze'akah to be genuine and sincere, it means that all ga'avah, all vestiges of ga'avah, of arrogance, of chutzpah, of presumptuousness, they all evaporate. And finally, tefillah is at set times. Min haTorah once a day, miderabbanan two, three times a day. Ze'akah, the Rambam says, is repeated, it's continuous. מדרכי התשובה להיות השב צועק לפני השם תמיד constantly. If the pain is ongoing, a person doesn't say well, I screamed out in pain once. If the pain is ongoing, so then that instinctive outcry is also ongoing.

להיות השב צועק לפני השם תמיד. דרשו השם בהמצאו קראוהו בהיותו קרוב אלו עשרת הימים שבין ראש השנה ליום הכיפורים.

Seek Hakadosh Baruch Hu when he is to be found, when he makes himself most accessible, call out to him when he's close. Chazal tell us this refers to the period of time beginning with Rosh Hashanah culminating with Ne'ilah on Yom Kippur. Says the Rambam, teshuva is also always welcome, it's always timely, but yet the same teshuva which during this time of year can erase a person's sins, can earn him not only mechila and selicha, not only forgiveness but kapara as well. Kapara which we translate as atonement, literally means to cleanse. That's what the word lechaper means literally in Lashon Hakodesh. It means to cleanse. During Aseres Yemei Teshuva, during Aseres Yemei Teshuva we're given this opportunity. It only comes once in a year. Says the Rambam afterwards, אפילו הקריב כל אילי נביות שבעולם. A person can bring the most wonderful set of korbanos. He can do everything possible but he won't be able to duplicate the effects of teshuva during Aseres Yemei Teshuva. But as is the case with every opportunity the Torah gives us, in order to take full advantage of that opportunity, a person has to make hachanos. A person has to prepare himself. If we enter Shabbos without having prepared for Shabbos, we waste too much of Shabbos trying to get into the mindset of Shabbos. And too much of Shabbos is lost, too much of Shabbos slips through our grasp because we weren't ready to take full advantage of Shabbos with hadlakas neiros. How much a person is able to take advantage, how much a person is able to get from a mitzvah, from an opportunity the Torah gives, depends upon how much a person prepares himself beforehand. To position ourselves to take full advantage of Dirshu Hashem Behimatzo, to seek Hakadosh Baruch Hu when he makes himself accessible, if we haven't begun yet, if we didn't begin Rosh Chodesh Elul or if we didn't follow Rav Yisroel Salanter's counsel. When Rav Yisroel Salanter was asked when he starts preparing for Rosh Hashanah, he said right after Ne'ilah. As soon as Ne'ilah finishes he's preparing for next year's Rosh Hashanah, next year's Yom Kippur. If we were remiss and didn't follow Rav Yisroel Salanter's counsel, if we haven't heard the kol shofar the past two and a half weeks, so right now with the ashrei, with the קרוב השם לכל קוראיו לכל אשר יקראוהו באמת is a time to prepare ourselves. A time to prepare ourselves to take advantage of the Dirshu Hashem Behimatzo to be fully awake, to be fully awake and alert for this wonderful, wonderful tekufa of Aseres Yemei Teshuva, Dirshu Hashem Behimatzo to be fully awake and alert for that opportunity. But the preparations if they haven't begun have to begin now. If we make those preparations, if we make those preparations, the process of teshuva involves anguish. משל למה הדבר דומה a person goes for psychotherapy. It doesn't get better until it first gets worse. The night gets darkest before before daybreak. And the same process because teshuva means that a person also has to recognize painful truths about himself. It's a painful, painful process. But what's the what's the experience at the end? Rabbeinu Yonah says one of the three reasons, one of the three perspectives on the mitzvah... The mitzvah of eating on Erev Yom Kippur,

כל האוכל ושותה בתשיעי מעלה עליו הכתוב כאילו התענה תשיעי ועשירי,

the mitzvah of eating on Erev Yom Kippur is so great, it's as if the Torah had commanded us to fast two consecutive days and we had complied. Says Rabbeinu Yonah, what are we eating, what are we celebrating? He says we're celebrating the impending kapparah. We've been doing teshuvah, it's been an anguished, anguished time. We've been crying out to HaKadosh Baruch Hu, we've been agitating, we've been intensifying Talmud Torah, we've been reflecting on Kriyat Shema, and yes, and as uncomfortable and painful as it is, we've been thinking about mortality, יזכיר לו יום המיתה, not pleasant experiences. What is it, how does it all culminate? Says Rabbeinu Yonah, we eat and drink on Erev Yom Kippur because we're batuach baHashem, because HaKadosh Baruch Hu says we can have bitachon, if only we'll make that effort, if only we'll put in that effort. So then the mechila, selicha, and kapparah will be forthcoming, and we're so confident, the same way the Yerushalmi describes that this is what underlies the mitzvah simcha on Rosh Hashanah, so Rabbeinu Yonah says this is also what animates, what drives the mitzvah simcha on Erev Yom Kippur is this guarantee, this guarantee if only we'll make the effort, if only we'll put in the effort that HaKadosh Baruch Hu says yes, the mechila, selicha, and kapparah will be forthcoming, and it all culminates in this simcha and in being inscribed b'ezrat Hashem for a ksiva v'chasima tova, shnas chayim v'shalom.