Parent-Child Relationships

The phrase parent-child relationship really encompasses two topics: the child's attitude, approach, chiyuvim to parents, and additionally, the parent's attitude, approach, and chiyuvim to the child. So tonight, בעזרת השם בלי נדר, we're going to try to focus on the first of the two and then od chazon lamoed hopefully further to be mashlim with the second. In the context of dinei hashavat aveidah and triaging in terms of hashavat aveidah, so the mishna in Bava Metzia famously speaks of that aveidat aviv and aveidat rabbo. That aveidat aviv, the special chiyuv that a child has vis-à-vis parents, is sheken aviv, again aviv in this context means aviv equally immo, הביאו לידי חיי העולם הזה. The mechayav of kibbud av va'em is that אביו ואמו הביאוהו לידי חיי העולם הזה. That our parents are responsible for our being alive. Now, there are many fundamental, both philosophical and practical implications to that. So let's try to unpack a little bit that mechayav of הביאו לידי חיי העולם הזה. First of all, it very axiomatically reflects an affirmation of life, the goodness of life. To be alive, to exist, is a beracha, is tov. The Rambam says that when Hakadosh Baruch Hu promises Moshe Rabbeinu, אני אעביר כל טובי על פניך, I'll let you have a both panoramic and detailed understanding of kol tuvi, all my goodness, what that refers to is metziut. Because as Hakadosh Baruch Hu created everything, וירא אלהים כי טוב, וירא אלהים כי טוב, and upon completion of the beriya, וירא אלהים את כל אשר עשה והנה טוב מאד. Metziut is tov. The Ramban, famous Ramban at the end of parshat Bo,

ואין לנו טעם אחר ביצירה הראשונה ואין לעליון בתחתונים חפץ מלבד זה שידע האדם ויודה לאלהיו שבראו.

A person should know, yodeh presumably both in the sense of here following up on yeida, should express gratitude, should thank Hakadosh Baruch Hu that he created him. שכן הביאו לידי חיי העולם הזה is a mechayav in kibbud av va'em because axiomatically we recognize life, existence, as pure beracha, as tremendous beracha. And mimmela, aviv ve'immo who are the agents, who are the shutfim with Hakadosh Baruch Hu in giving us that gift, that's mechayav in kibbud av va'em. It's also implicit that this is an awareness that we instinctively feel, that it's good to be alive, that it's a blessing. That life is a gift is something that Hakadosh Baruch Hu allows us to viscerally, instinctively appreciate. A mechayev of שכן הביאו לידי חיי העולם הזה also underscores the fact that we shouldn't take this blessing of life for granted. We should live with a sense of being gifted, of being blessed. It's all too easy and all too common to take the greatest of gifts for granted and to live with a sense of entitlement. A mechayev that we're obligated in kibbud av va'eim שכן הביאו לידי חיי העולם הזה underscores the fact that we should have no sense of entitlement and because of that and when there's no sense of entitlement so then a person appreciates, recognizes and appreciates gifts. So it's important to understand, imagine the following, hopefully never real, only hypothetical scenario. Imagine that there's a mix-up in the nursery in the hospital and the mothers go home with the wrong children. And the child grows up until age twenty, thirty, forty, never knowing and certainly never having interacted with his parents, with his actual parents. The חיוב כיבוד אב ואם is unaffected. The most basic level and of mechayev in kibbud av va'eim is before and without anything our parents do for us. Before and without anything our parents do in raising us, in caring for us, in supporting us. Before and without even invoking any of that, there's already a mechayev of kibbud av va'eim. Just by virtue of being our parents. This mechayev has, again, both implies an attitude as well as is responsible for a dimension practically of the מצוה כיבוד אב ואם. The Chayei Adam writes, hakibbud, kibbud av va'eim expresses itself bemachshavah uv'ma'aseh uvidibur. It's not only speaking respectfully to our parents, it's not only rendering service to our parents bemaisa, but kibbud av va'eim is bemachshavah. Machshavah here clearly from the hemshech in the Chayei Adam means attitude. Vehainu yechabeid bemachshavah, I skipped a line.

דאין לומר שבליבו ובעיניו הם נבזים רק שמכבד אותם בדברים אם כן הם שוים בעיניו כמוהו שגם הוא נבזה בעיניו אלא על כרחנו דרצה לומר שמכבדם.

M'chabdam b'libo

שהם חשובים בעיניו ובליבו דהיינו שידמה בעיניו שהם גדולים ונכבדי ארץ.

We look to our parents as being gedolim v'nichbadei aretz. Now what does that mean? So in a very different context the Sfas Emes, he's commenting on the d'rashos Chazal, Rashi quotes in the Chumash, בכל יום יהיו בעיניך כחדשים. He says, al korchacha, if the Torah tells us to view divrei Torah every day as kachadashim, the Torah is not telling us to sort of live in a fictional reality. If בכל יום יהיו בעיניך כחדשים, it means there's a certain koach hitchadshus. There's a certain, there's a certain hitchadshus that a person can tap into in divrei Torah. There's no such thing as the Torah telling us, well really it's, really it's nighttime, but yihyu b'einecha that it's that it's daytime. No, if it's nighttime, so let's deal with the fact that it's nighttime. If בכל יום יהיו בעיניך כחדשים, so it means there is this dimension of chidush and hitchadshus in divrei Torah. Transposing that yesod, applying that yesod in our context. Because our parents for us are our source of life, the ones who are the שותפים עם הקדוש ברוך הוא, who were the שותפים עם הקדוש ברוך הוא in granting us life. So they are, because of that, they are gedolim v'nichbadei aretz for us. It's not a fictional lens that we're supposed to operate with. Chayei Adam continues, or actually that's the previous, previous seif in Chayei Adam. יסכר פי דוברי שקר, right, may the mouth of those who speak falsehood be closed, be shut.

האומרים שאינם צריכים להחזיק טובה לאב ואם כי להנאת עצמם היו מכוונים וממילא נולד.

When the child was conceived, who says the parents were motivated altruistically? No, maybe it was להנאת עצמם היו מכוונים umimeila nolad

וכיון שנולד מהם נתן הקדוש ברוך הוא הטבע שהאב והאם יגדלו בניהם.

And then subsequently Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the one who embedded the parental instinct. So what hakaras hatov does one owe one's parents when they're just acting instinctively? So the Chayei Adam says יסכר פי דוברי שקר. May they be silenced. Yis'almun v'yishtakrun v'yischarshun. הם בעצמם מעידים עליהם שהם כבהמה. You know, one shudders after hearing those leshonos from the Chayei Adam, one shudders to ask, what's tuka wrong with that argument? What is wrong with that argument? So I remember as a child the Rav saying that when someone does something good, we don't scrutinize and analyze the person's actions. Person does something good, so we owe him the recognition, the acknowledgment of what was done. Person does something which seems not good. Okay, so then the mitzvah of being dan lechaf zechut, whatever the pertei hadin are. But when someone does something good, one doesn't look to scrutinize, to analyze. Ad kan devarim. And clearly, clearly this is דרכי הקדוש ברוך הוא. Moshe Rabbeinu hundreds of years later was afraid of the zechut that Og Melech Habashan had from ויבוא הפליט ויגד לאברם העברי. If one doesn't need to delve too deeply or scrutinize too carefully Og's motives. And אף על פי כן this zechut carried him for hundreds of years, עד כדי כך שמשה רבנו was afraid and Hakadosh Baruch Hu had to reassure him al tira oto. Because he was afraid that he was going to go out against that zechut hamitzvah. When people do something good, we acknowledge it as such and it's a mechayev in hakarat hatov. Clearly this has implications which are broader, much broader than than just kibbud av va'em. I don't know, let's say a person's at a chasunah and the waiter comes and and serves. I don't know, so sometimes there's an attitude, you know, the waiter's getting paid and A, he's getting paid so there is remuneration and B, that's that's what he's there for, you know, he's there because he wants to to earn a few dollars. So we just sort of take the, we take the soup, we take the, we take the chicken. But it's not the right attitude. A person's doing a tovah, one doesn't scrutinize what his motives are. There's hakarat hatov, there's a thank you very much. The Rambam in Hilchos Mamrim quotes the famous Gemara in Kiddushin:

עד היכן הוא כיבוד אב ואם? אפילו נטלו כיס של זהובים שלו והשליכו בפניו לים לא יכלים אותם ולא יצעק בפניהם ולא יכעס כנגדם אלא יקבל גזירת הכתוב וישתוק.

The Rambam continues ve'ad heichan mora'an? What's the how how far does mora ov va'em extend? What are the outer limits of mora ov va'em? ve'ad heichan mora'an?

אפילו היה לובש בגדים חמודות ויושב בראש בפני הקהל ובא אביו ואמו וקרעו בגדיו והכוהו על ראשו וירקו בפניו לא יכלים אותם אלא ישתוק ויירא ויפחד ממלך מלכי המלכים שציווהו בכך.

So it's clear from the leshonos in the Rambam

יקבל גזירת הכתוב וישתוק, ויירא ויפחד ממלך מלכי המלכים שציווהו בכך

that everything that we said until now, which I think would have led us to classify kibbud av va'em as a mishpat, something that sevarah dictates, but clearly the Rambam says there is a dimension of chok to the mitzvah as well. The lashon of yekabbel, a person is mekabbel something which Which goes against the grain, requires a kabbala. That's what the semantics of kabbala are in this context. And על אחת כמה וכמה the way the Rambam says

אלא ישתוק ויירא ויפחד ממה שאמר מלך המלכים שציווהו בכך.

One doesn't have a normal natural instinct in that context for kavod and mora, but one has to be machnia himself before Hakadosh Baruch Hu. He explains it differently than we're discussing it now, but Rav Yosef Engel, one of the mitzvos Chazal say that were given be'Mara was kibbud av v'em. Question is where Chazal see in the posuk of שם שם לו חוק ומשפט ושם ניסהו, where do they see an allusion to kibbud av v'em? So Rav Yosef Engel says because kibbud av v'em, Chazal darshen שם שם לו חוק ומשפט, Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave us a mitzvah which is both chok and mishpat. And the kibbud av v'em is both. So everything we've discussed until now notwithstanding, but it's crucial that we also recognize that kibbud av v'em, mora av v'em is a chok. There are times when everything we said notwithstanding, what the Torah expects of us goes beyond what our natural moral instinct would reveal to us. It's very important to understand, we're not going to talk about it because it needs to be talked about in a very personalized individualized sense. Obviously there are situations, Rachmana litzlan, where parents can be controlling. There are situations, Rachmana litzlan, where parents can be abusive. And obviously those types of behavior have very real implications in terms of kibbud av v'em. If the relationship is one where there's toxicity, so obviously that all that has very real implications and a person needs to get personalized guidance. Nothing we're saying is intended to suppress questions and shailos and looking for guidance in such situations. The other dimension here, and it's something again which is fundamental to kibbud av v'em but also with broader applications as well, is that yes on one level the kavod and mora are directed to our parents. But ultimately the kavod and mora are being directed to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And it's that's something which is not only philosophically important, it's also psychologically very important. Because again there are times when the mitzvah of kibbud av v'em doesn't come so easily, doesn't flow so naturally. And the awareness that ultimately the kavod and mora are to Hakadosh Baruch Hu,

אלא ישתוק ויירא ויפחד ממה שאמר מלך המלכים שציווהו בכך,

makes all the difference in terms of our ability to be mekayeim the mitzvah. Gemara Kiddushin says, I think it's Rav Yosef, כי שמע קל כרעי דאימיה, when he would hear his mother's footsteps, he would hear his... his mother approaching, he was able to recognize and distinguish her footsteps from those of other people. Amar, he would say איקום מקמי שכינה דאתיא. Let me stand up, one of the expressions of kibbud av v'em is to stand for one's parents. But he didn't say eikum mikamei my mother, but איקום מקמי שכינה דאתיא. Well let me stand up in the presence of the approaching Shchina. So two important yesodos emerge from this Gemara. Yesod number one is that there is an additional mechayiv in kibbud av v'em. It doesn't have to be present, but in ninety-nine percent plus of cases, it is present, which is that in addition to just the very fact of paternity, maternity, the very fact of parenthood שכן הביאוהו לחיי העולם הזה. The additional mechayiv of kibbud av v'em is everything that our parents do for us and did for us from the time we were born, the nurturing, all the devoted care, the support. And in fact, when the Sefer HaChinuch talks about the shorshei hamitzvah of kibbud av v'em,

משורשי מצוה זו שראוי לו לאדם שיכיר ויגמול חסד למי שעשה עמו טובה ולא יהיה נבל ומתנכר וכפוי טובה שזו מדה רעה ומאוסה בתכלית לפני אלוקים ואנשים ושיתן אל לבו כי האב והאם הם סיבת היותו בעולם.

That's mechayiv number one.

ועל כן באמת ראוי לו לעשות להם כל כבוד וכל תועלת שיוכל כי הם הביאוהו לעולם,

again repeating mechayiv number one. גם יגעו בו כמה יגיעות בקטנותו. Mechayiv number two. But additionally, what this Gemara in Kiddushin, what Rav Yosef expresses is something profound. So how does that translate into איקום מקמי שכינה דאתיא? Rav Yosef viewed and understood that in this instance it was his mother, but not la'afukei the father. He saw his mother as Hakadosh Baruch Hu's emissary, as the shluach d'Rachmana to bestow chesed. The Chovos HaLevavos has this idea in Sha'ar HaBechina when he talks about that we should discern chochmas Hashem in the beriah, chesed Hashem in the beriah. So the Chovos HaLevavos writes ואחר כן יחזיק גופו לראות המראים ולשמוע הקולות, when the infant grows, becomes a little bit older of a baby and then a toddler, ויתנהו האלוקים לחן ולחסד ולרחמים בלב יולדיו. So our parents in their love for us bestow Hakadosh Baruch Hu's love upon us. Our parents in their devotion to us, in their rachmanus, in their chanina, are reflecting Hakadosh Baruch Hu's rachmanus and chanina upon us. And that's what Rav Yosef said and that's what Rav Yosef recognized

כי שמע קול כרעי דאימיה אמר איקום מקמי שכינה דאתיא.

You know real life doesn't always, maybe doesn't ever is a more accurate way of saying it, correspond to, I don't know, storybook depictions of life. And in real life family relationships are often complicated. One potential source of tension or friction, sometimes there can be a significant religious gap between children and parents. Perhaps the child is more religious, the parents less religious, or maybe it's even more dramatic than that. Maybe the child is religious, is shomer Torah u-mitzvos and the parents not at all. How does how does the Torah expect us to navigate in such a situation that that gap and the potential for tension that that exists there, not diminish or chas v'shalom, worse, preclude the kibbud av v'eim and even more basically the the basic normal human emotional attachment and love that should and does exist in in the overwhelming majority of cases. So the answer is that relationships are supposed to be nuanced. When when we have relationships, be they familial relationships as is our focus now, be they collegial relationships, relationships can and should be nuanced. Love for one's parents doesn't imply that one endorses every decision one's parents make. Love for one's parents doesn't imply that one endorses every every action, every value the parents have. We we live in a very very superficial world. So that basically we divide the world into heroes and villains and we idolize our heroes and and demonize our villains. And the reality is that generally speaking our heroes are not the 100% pure paragons of virtue and saintliness that we make them out to be and that our demons are not not the evil incarnate that we depict them to be either. Maintaining, cultivating. Family ties doesn't, again, even though there's a religious gap between parents and children, well, that's again that's what we're talking about, so let's restrict ourselves to that for the moment. Again, there's no implied imprimatur on everything. The child loves the parents in that capacity as parents. And there's no contradiction between difference in values, difference in level of religious commitment and mutual love between the parents and children. But it requires a rejection of superficiality and embracing nuance to appreciate that fact. And here too, again, as with so much, and with this we'll stop for tonight, as with so much that we discussed in context of Kibbud Av va'Em, the implications and applications are much much broader than just our relationship with our parents, this understanding that relationships are nuanced and one can maintain a healthy, normal child-parent relationship, religious differences notwithstanding.