Hesech Hada’as; Shivisi Hashem

The Rambam in perek bais of hilchos teshuvah,

איזהו היא תשובה גמורה? זה שבא לידו דבר שעבר בו ואפשר בידו לעשותו ופירש ולא עשה מפני התשובה, לא מיראה ולא מכשלון כוח.

So, the circumstances of cheit are duplicated. Everything is the same and the only variable is his response, mipnei hateshuvah. Keitzad?

הרי שבא על אשה בעבירה ולאחר זמן נתייחד עמה והוא עומד באהבתו בה ובכוח גופו ובמדינה שעבר בה ופירש ולא עבר זהו בעל תשובה גמורה. הוא ששלמה אמר וזכור את בוראיך בימי בחורותיך.

Right, so bimei bechurosecha meaning at the same stage of life, optimally the teshuvah should happen at the same stage of life as the averah happened. Not at a later stage of life. But the proof text from the pasuk in Koheles, so the Rambam is talking about doing teshuvah at the same stage of life and what's the proof text? וזכור את בוראיך בימי בחורותיך. So this is exactly what we were talking about last week. The centrality of bushah within the viduy that a person has, that teshuvah has to bring a person, has to induce an awareness of being in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, because there's an equation between cheit and שכחת הקדוש ברוך הוא rachmana litzlan, so mimaila the teshuvah has to involve זכירת הקדוש ברוך הוא. And that's what this Rambam is mefurash. The Rambam is quoting the pasuk here, וזכור את בוראיך בימי בחורותיך as the proof that the teshuvah should be bimei bechurosecha. The Rambam reiterates it again at the end of the halachah:

אם לא שב אלא בימי זקנותו ובעת שאי אפשר לו לעשות מה שהיה עושה אף על פי שאינה תשובה מעולה מועלת היא לו ובעל תשובה הוא. אפילו עבר כל ימיו ועשה תשובה ביום מיתתו ומת בתשובתו כל עוונותיו נמחלין, שנאמר עד אשר לא תחשך השמש והאור והירח והכוכבים ושבו העבים אחר הגשם שהוא יום המיתה.

Now listen to this line rabosai: מכלל שאם זכר בוראו ושב קודם שימות נסלח לו. The equation again between teshuvah and zachar boro, to remember Hakadosh Baruch Hu. You have it again in the famous Rambam in perek gimel about tkias shofar:

אף על פי שתקיעת שופר בראש השנה גזירת הכתוב רמז יש בו. כלומר עורו ישנים משנתכם ונרדמים הקיצו מתרדמתכם וחפשו במעשיכם וחזרו בתשובה וזכרו בוראכם.

Zechu borachem. Zechu borachem. Cheit involves forgetting Hakadosh Baruch Hu, teshuvah involves zechu borachem. Very famously the Rema at the beginning of Shulchan Aruch quotes from the Rambam at the end of the Moreh Nevuchim:

שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד הוא כלל גדול בתורה ובמעלות הצדיקים אשר הולכים לפני אלוקים.

It's a great and central principle in Torah,

שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד. כי אין ישיבת האדם ותנועתו ועסקו והוא לבדו בביתו.

The way a person sits, moves, conducts his affairs when he's in private,

כי ישיבתו ותנועתו ועסקו והוא לפני מלך גדול, ולא דיבורו והרחבת פיו כרצונו והוא עם אנשי ביתו וקרוביו כדיבורו במושב המלך.

When a person is with his intimates, with his closest friends, he has a relaxed attitude. He'll speak freely without necessarily weighing and calibrating every word, k'diburo b'moshav hamelech. He obviously comports himself very differently but when he's b'moshav hamelech.

כל שכן כשישים האדם אל לבו שהמלך הגדול הקדוש ברוך הוא אשר מלא כל הארץ כבודו עומד עליו ורואה במעשיו כמו שנאמר אם יסתר איש במסתרים ואני לא אראנו נאם ה'. מיד יגיע אליו היראה וההכנעה בפחד השם יתברך ובושתו ממנו תמיד.

The small word here that's so remarkable in this passage is the word miyad. What we find so elusive and what we struggle, halevai that we struggle, so mightily to attain, a sense of yiras shamayim, of living with hachna'ah, so the Rema says miyad, miyad. So there is a key here to avodas Hashem. And the key is just not to be masiach da'as. The emes is that we have all the ingredients that we need. And one of the biggest and perhaps the biggest challenge is that we're masiach da'as. Teshuvah is basically the attempt, the commitment, to regain that focus. Zechiros barecha. Yitachen that this is one understanding of the famous difficulty of the Gemara in Berachos of

ועתה ישראל מה ה' אלקיך שואל מעמך כי אם ליראה, אטו יראה מילתא זוטרתא היא?

So in לגבי משה מילתא זוטרתא היא. Okay, so it's true that in Sefer Devarim. The Torah is presented spoken in Moshe Rabbeinu's voice, but אף על פי כן, we certainly expect that it's still addressed to Klal Yisrael, so we certainly expect that things should be presented and things should be classified in a way that's shoveh lechol nefesh, not just in a way that reflects the unparalleled madrega of Moshe Rabbeinu. But itachen, Torah doesn't tell us too much; we're not privy to too much of Moshe Rabbeinu's hanhagos. Torah is not intended as a biography. We do know, however, that Moshe Rabbeinu peirash min ha'isha, which represented the most heightened sense of awareness of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד, because Moshe Rabbeinu was in a perennial state ready for nevuah. Now, obviously the Torah doesn't mean to intimate that that manifestation of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד is one which is appropriate for anyone other than a Ben Azai. But itachen that לגבי משה מילתא זוטרתא היא is underscoring this same idea: that we look at yiras Hashem as something so elusive, so difficult to attain, and the midah which Moshe Rabbeinu embodied—and one needn't be even close to the madrega on which he embodied it, but just to recognize the midah that Moshe Rabbeinu embodied of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד—with that midah, without a hesach hadaas, in milsa zutarsa hi. And that's what this Rambam says: that מיד יגיע אליו היראה. That little word miyad, so telling. Chet in all its varied and variable manifestations, ultimately, in almost every case, in virtually every case, but can be reduced and can be attributed to forgetting Hakadosh Baruch Hu, to a lack of Shivisi Hashem. And the teshuvah is to try to regain more and more of this awareness of Shivisi Hashem. Well, one of the Chachmei Umos Haolam once defined religion as what a person does when he's alone. So obviously, on many levels, that's very inadequate. But there was a, but there is a certain truth that he was mechaven to also. A person is supposed to be me'urav im habriyos. We're supposed to interact with each other. It's part of Hakadosh Baruch Hu's design for the beriyah. But it shouldn't be because we're uncomfortable being alone with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. To try to gain an increased focus on this ultimate reality of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד, it's the avodah every day of the year, but it's especially the avodah of Elul and Aseres Yimei Teshuva. Whether it expresses itself in terms of just taking out time to remind oneself that life is in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, whether it expresses itself in trying to increase our kavanah in brachos, we spoke about a little bit last week in trying to relate seriously to the lashon nochach in brachos, whether it's to try to implement the guidance of the Igeres HaRamban that by acting with a sense of meekness, with a sense of hachna'ah, of לדבר כל דבריו בנחת, by acting in a way that's consistent with being bemoshav hamelech, that helps remind us that we're bemoshav hamelech and in so many other ways. The avodah of teshuvah is to try to improve and grow in our awareness of שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד. And again, it's the Shivisi generates a certain code of behavior, but certain behavior helps inculcate the Shivisi. A person can be medaber benachas because he feels the Shivisi, or he can train himself ledaber benachas and that helps him because every time there is that cap on how he speaks, it reminds him because he's in the midst of a royal audience. In a similar vein, the Baal Shem Tov teitch that שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד—so the simple pshat is Shivisi, I've placed Hakadosh Baruch Hu l'negdi samid. Baal Shem Tov says Shivisi is lashon hashtavus. I retain my equanimity because Hakadosh Baruch Hu l'negdi samid. And again, here too, if a person is suffused with that awareness, it generates that hashtavus, but if a person disciplines himself for that hashtavus, it reminds him that Hashem l'negdi samid. That not overreacting to the sources of frustration, annoyance, adversity, a person trains himself, disciplines himself, that too, again, the hashtavus flows from Hashem l'negdi samid, but it also helps instill that awareness. I don't know if the Rambam's מיד יגיע אליו היראה—I don't know that it represents a shortcut, but it certainly provides a sense of direction, that the key to a consistent life of avodas Hashem is working to counteract and overcome the hesech hadaas from the שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד.