Coping with the Challenges of Different Stages of Life

Just as the Mesillat Yesharim tells us, he says the Mesillat Yesharim writes in the first chapter of Mesillat Yesharim that life is an ongoing series of nisayonot, of challenges that we have to confront. So tonight we're going to try to briefly focus on the different challenges that we have at different stages in life, and in particular I'd like to focus on five transitions that we make over the course of our lifetime. The first one is the one from being dependent to independent. Second is single to marriage and family. The third is relinquishing dependence of our children, the empty nest challenge. The fourth is years of decline, whether physically, intellectually. And the fifth and the ultimate challenge is mortality. Now we're going to talk in terms of typology. Not everyone encounters all these transitions, is called upon to face all these challenges, but certainly it's a typology which relates very much to most, if not all of us. The first transition from dependence to independence is one which for the most part happens rather naturally and with ease throughout the course of infancy and childhood. So why discuss it? For two reasons. First of all, even though that's again, it happens naturally and it's behind all of us, I think if we'll reflect a little bit on what it means to be independent and why it's so important to be independent, we'll see that there are implications and applications for us which perhaps are not so easily applied and not so easily implemented later in life as well. The Ribono Shel Olam implanted within us an instinct for independence. Right, any parent who has watched a toddler exercise independence and try to manifest independence sees that that we have within us an instinct which the Ribono Shel Olam embedded within us to be independent. And what's more, this is one of the central bakashot that we have in benching,

אל תצריכנו לא לידי מתנת בשר ודם ולא לידי הלואתם,

that we ask Hakadosh Baruch Hu that we should never ever be dependent on others. Now the point of this request is not only that we should be spared the shame and humiliation which is involved in being dependent upon others, that's certainly part of the bakashah, but it goes beyond that. And the essence of the bakashah is that to the extent that we feel dependent upon another person, so that detracts from what should be our absolute sense of dependence upon the Ribono Shel Olam. And that's why it's so important for a person to feel independent, because it's only the degree to which we feel independent of other human beings, it's only to that degree that we can recognize and experience our genuine and absolute dependence upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. That's why the Gemara says that the avadai hem, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu says that Bnei Yisrael, that we are His servants, velo avadim la'avadim, and we're not supposed to be servants to others. Right, Rashi al haTorah quotes the famous ma'amar Chazal, why is it that the eved Ivri, the Jewish slave who opts to extend his term of service with his master until the yovel? So why is it that his ear is pierced? Because אוזן ששמעה בהר סיני, the ear that heard at Har Sinai כי לי בני ישראל עבדים, Bnei Yisrael are supposed to be my avadim, והלך וקנה אדון לעצמו, and he acquires a master for himself, so that ear should be punished, that ear should be pierced. Because by having a master upon whom one is dependent, to whom one is beholden, so then that detracts, that interferes with our relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And it's for this reason that we place such a premium that the Ribono Shel Olam gave us such an instinct and that it's a central bakasha which is featured in the benching, that we be independent because it's only to the degree that we're independent of others that we can genuinely feel and recognize our absolute dependence upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The tremendously in... The tremendously inspiring example which I used to see. I don't know how many comparable examples there were to see. Many of you will know that the Rav Soloveitchik zecher tzaddik livracha suffered a very debilitating stroke many years before his petira. And one side of his body was basically, he couldn't function with it. The only thing it did is it was a source of constant pain. It was a source of constant pain, but the hand, he had to drag his foot, his leg in walking, and the hand couldn't. So one morning I saw in the Beis Medrash after he was davening, in the main Beis Medrash he was putting his tefillin away. And it was such an ordeal, such an ordeal, just try some day to put your tefillin away using one hand. So I went over and asked if I could do it, and asked if I could do it. So he very adamantly said no, appreciatively but adamantly said no, and said no, I have to train myself that I should be able to do it, that I should be able to do it. And this for me exemplified it, epitomized that you have to, that a person has to be independent, as independent as he can be of others, because that way I don't feel dependent upon the other person, that way I recognize that my ultimate dependence and real dependence is upon HaKadosh Baruch Hu. And it's really that sense of independence which we're supposed to develop again as we mature through infancy and childhood into adulthood. It's that sense of independence that we're supposed to acquire. If we have that, so then we'll recognize that there are challenges later in life as well. Very often in the workplace, it's natural to sort of feel dependent upon one's boss, especially in difficult economic times if there's an economic downturn and it's not so easy to find employment. And sometimes there are very real and great pressures in the workplace, whether it's to pad the bill in terms of listing how many hours, be it a lawyer, be it whatever professional devoted to a job, so the client can be billed not accordingly but can be presented with an exaggerated bill, whether it's gneivas daas, whether it's misrepresenting common business tactics. So here is a nisayon again of well, do I feel dependent upon another human being? Have I really, did I really grow into adulthood and develop a genuine sense of independence? Because a genuine sense of independence means that I feel dependent only on the Ribbono Shel Olam. I don't think my parnassa comes from my boss, I think the parnassa comes from the Ribbono Shel Olam and therefore I'm not going to be complicit, I'm not going to pad the bill, I'm not going to engage in misrepresentation. Let's say for rabbanim, mechanchim, people who teach Torah. So very often there are certain areas in which the Torah way of thinking and Torah patterns of thought are out of sync with the Western patterns of thought and Western mentality. And there are a lot of, there are some areas where, again, because unfortunately we don't grow up in such a pristine Torah environment and because our way of thinking is influenced by the Western world around us, so there's some areas in which we're sometimes out of sync and therefore there are things in Torah which are politically incorrect. And to be able to stand up again, whether it's a rov or whether it's a mechanech or for that matter whether it's baalei batim in shul if there's some kind of debate, and to be able to stand up for what's Torah true but politically incorrect, so here too it's a challenge as to whether or not we really grew into adulthood with a genuine sense of independence or whether or not we feel again dependent upon social approval, upon being politically correct at all times. The second transition we mentioned, again, so probably for most in the audience this is one that on one level is already behind us that we've passed already, is the transition from being single to marriage and family. The Gemara describes the obligation of a husband to a wife that אוהבה כגופו ומכבדה יותר מגופו that he's supposed to love her like he loves himself and accord her even greater respect than he accords himself. What's the what is it that we what is this challenge of making the transition? So basically the essence of of entering into marriage, of having a family is that from that point on in life so a person has to constantly be thinking about someone else. Okay, even at an earlier stage in life so we have parents, but it's obviously not the same. It's obviously not the same. Basically a person makes decisions taking his own considerations into account and that's what allows him to make decisions. From the time a person gets married and then has children so then everything has to be calculated everything has to be calibrated according to what the effects will be on one's spouse and and one's children as well. Or in other words, the essence of this challenge is to cultivate a personality of chesed. Now what does that mean? What does it mean? What is the essence of a personality of chesed? So there is a a very famous well-known story with the Beis Halevi about how with which we're all familiar how this woman comes to the Beis Halevi and asks him whether or not she can use milk for the arba cosos at the Seder. So the Beis Halevi addresses the question with with great koved rosh, very seriously, and says no, I don't think so, and then he goes over to his money drawer and says here, by the way, there's some extra funds here I'd like you use it for tzorchei yom tov. So the intimates of the Beis Halevi who witnessed this scene so they asked the Beis Halevi a woman comes and she asks you a foolish question and not only do you do you sort of pretend that the question was a very difficult and challenging question but then you reward her by giving her by giving her all all these the funds for yom tov. So the Beis Halevi answers and he says first of all, if you don't take a question seriously so next time they won't come with a question. So every question has to be taken seriously. And second of all he says, she may never have been taught she may never have been taught that you can't use milk for the arba cosos. She certainly knows that after eating fleishig you don't drink milk. That everyone knows. If she was considering using milk for the arba cosos so that obviously means that she's so poor that she can't even afford to buy meat or chicken for yom tov. That's why I gave her the tzorchei hachag. That's one story. Second story. I don't know if the second story is is is supposed to be factual or but it's certainly true in in the most profound sense. The story is is told I once heard of a rebbe and he's he's fihren a tish at shalosh seudos. And he's speaking in in Yiddish of course and the chasidim are are gathered around and they're listening to the rebbe speak and they're swaying with every word and and they feel the they feel a sense of being elevated. And then all of a sudden this this boorish farmer pushes his way to the front and makes his way to the front and he interrupts the the rebbe and he doesn't he's not even speaking Yiddish, he can't even speak a word of Yiddish, he's speaking Polish or or whatever the vernacular is and and he says Rebbe I have a problem that my horse doesn't doesn't work the way it used to, doesn't pull the wagon the way it used to. So the rebbe says try putting some sugar in with the oats and maybe that will help. Then he the rebbe resumes the divrei Torah and the chasidim again they're they're soaring they're soaring. The farmer again interrupts again the same chutzpadike farmer interrupts and says Rebbe but the horse also seems to be limping. I don't think sugar's gonna do that. So the rebbe says if I were you, I would check the horseshoes. It could be that that the horse needs new horseshoes and maybe that will maybe that will alleviate the problem. So he resumes the rebbe resumes chasidim have the same reaction. Third time farmer's about to interrupt. So at this point the chasidim are ready to rip him when someone says enough, enough, their their patience has long since been exhausted. So the rebbe turns to them and says to them in Yiddish knowing that the farmer won't understand so that he won't be embarrassed, he says to them don't you understand what's happening here he's not interested in the horse. He knows that I have no great expertise in horses. That's not what he's interested in. He has a desire to come closer to the Ribono shel Olam. But he never he's a poor person, he never went to cheder. So when you want to come closer to the Ribono shel Olam so you ask me a kasha about a Gemara, you ask me about a pasuk Chumash with Rashi. He doesn't know anything. The only language he can speak is about horses, so that's the only language he can speak, but he's trying to engage me in conversation because he really wants to come closer to the Ribbono Shel Olam. So leave him, let him ask whatever he wants to ask. So what's the point of those two stories? Beautiful stories is that the essence of chessed is the ability to see the world from the other person's perspective. Even the story with the Beis Halevi is too often what's emphasized is his genius and his ingenuity in reconstructing and figuring out what the woman's circumstances were. But that sort of misses the point, not to detract from his genius and ingenuity, but that sort of misses the point, that the real point to be stressed here is that the Beis Halevi instead of seeing it from his perspective—so from his perspective, it was a woman bothering him with a foolish question. But from her perspective, he was able to see the poverty which prompted the question, the dire poverty which prompted the question. And the same difference existed between the Rebbe's reaction and his interpretation of the farmer's intrusions and interruptions and that of the chasidim. The chasidim saw it from their own perspective. So from their own perspective, this guy was a chutzpah and he was being a nudnik and they were ready to react accordingly. And the Rebbe understood for what it was because the essence, again, the essence of a chessed personality is the ability not to see the world from our own perspective, but to see the world from someone else's perspective. And that's basically what the essence of the second challenge of making the transition from life as a single individual to marriage and family consists of. The third of the transitions that we mentioned was the empty nest one, when the children are all grown and all adults and the parents are left alone. They're left alone. This can be an extremely, extremely trying nisayon, a very difficult challenge. And almost paradoxically, right, the more devoted and the more selfless the parent has been throughout the years of childhood, of the children's childhood, in terms of nurturing the children, so then the greater the challenge and the greater the nisayon is because the children stood at the center of the parent's life. Everything the parent, especially, especially the mothers, maybe even more than the fathers, structured their life around providing for the needs of the children, around nurturing them and giving them a warm and the best environment possible that they should grow into healthy adults with proper self-esteem and then for so many years, again, this very rewarding and wonderful preoccupation with the children is at the center of one's life. And then when you have the empty nest, so then the center of one's life seems to just be a painful void. So how do we deal with that? How do we cope with such a challenge? So here, just before addressing this directly, I'd just like to mention one general observation and that is that psychological change, changing oneself, whether it's tikkun hamiddos in terms of correcting a character trait, a character flaw, or whatever attitude we have, is something which comes about very gradually, very gradually. The Rambam in Moreh Nevuchim goes so far as to say that the Torah didn't even totally outlaw all practices, all vestige practices of avoda zara, but some of them the Torah just sort of redirected towards Hakadosh Baruch Hu because that would have represented too abrupt a shift for Bnei Yisrael at that point. Okay, so as ta'amei hamitzvos, that's very problematic and the Ramban and others criticize the Rambam for it, but the idea of gradualism, that people change gradually, that is certainly agreed upon. That's how the ba'alei mussar explain. The Gemara says that techeiles, the blue strand in the tzitzis, is domeh layam, that reminds us of the sea and then the sea reminds us of the sky and eventually it reminds us of the kisei hakavod of Hakadosh Baruch Hu's throne, which reminds us of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So the ba'alei mussar say, so it's all shades of blue or whatever the exact shade of techeiles is. Why do you have to make so many stops along the way? So the Baalei Mussar say no, that it illustrates the same principle of gradualism, that we cannot make wholesale changes instantaneously. It's not like flipping a switch. Accordingly, when we're dealing with especially these next three challenges, the emptiness or confronting old age and the decline which is sometimes associated with old age and mortality, it's not something that a person can wait to think about and say well, when I'll be that age, whatever that age is, so then I'll deal with it then. No, if a person hasn't been primed to deal with it, he or she is not going to be able to deal with it successfully then because of this psychological and religious reality of gradualism. If a person's values and attitudes already for 10 years, 20 years, his whole life have prepared him for this challenge, so then a person can successfully encounter a challenge. But if I sort of ignore the challenge, no, the challenge is too scary to think about, it's too daunting to think about, so let me postpone it as long as I possibly can, so ignoring reality doesn't change reality, it just makes it all the more difficult to deal with when one doesn't have the benefit of dealing with them gradually. Now, how does one prepare for that stage in life of emptiness and again, especially if, as one should be, one has been a devoted parent where the welfare of the young and growing children has been the primary consideration throughout life? So, how do we deal with it? So, the Torah in Parshas Bamidbar describes the encampment of Bnei Yisrael in the midbar, and that the way we encamped was that the Mishkan was in the center, around the Mishkan were the Leviim, the Leviim encamped around the Mishkan and then the 12 Shvatim, three on each side, they camped around the Mishkan outside the Leviim. So, at the center of the encampment of the 12 Shvatim stood the Mishkan. So, what does that represent, what is the Torah telling us? So, the Torah is telling us is that at the center of every human relationship, human relationship whether it's husband-wife, whether it's parent-child, whether it's two best friends, two intimate friends, that the Ribbono Shel Olam, right, symbolized by the Mishkan has to stand at the center of every human relationship. What does that mean? That means that one's spouse, one's wife, one's husband, it's not that, well, I love the Ribbono Shel Olam and I reserve love for Him, but then I also independently I also love my spouse, I love my children, I love my parents, no, each of those loves is supposed to be intertwined with love for the Ribbono Shel Olam. Every human relationship is supposed to play itself out, is supposed to be developed and cultivated in the shadow of our relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So one's the foundation for one's love for one's spouse is that one's spouse is one's partner in one's life of Avodas Hashem. They work together, they work together as successful partnerships do. It doesn't mean that both people, if you have two people who are partners in a store, so the most productive is if one is waiting on customers and one is working in the back room or one's manning the cash register and one is helping customers on the floor. It doesn't necessarily mean a partnership doesn't mean that they're standing side by side the whole time, but there's a cooperative effort, there's a cooperative venture. So that's the foundation of one's relationship with one's spouse, again this is my partner in a life of Avodas Hashem. Again and one's love for children, one's love for children also should be that the Ribbono Shel Olam gave me the bracha to be able to raise and teach and nurture His children, with however many children He blessed me, so it's that many of His children that He blessed me again with the privilege of raising them, of nurturing them, of transmitting the mesorah to them. So that all our relationships, the Mishkan is at the center of all our relationships. That's what's signified, what's symbolized by the fact that we camp around the Mishkan, that it's not that, well, I love the Ribono Shel Olam, but I also, I also love my parents, I also love my children, I also love my spouse. No, each of those loves has to be rooted in one's relationship, in one's love for HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Now if that's the case, right? If that's how one from from day one, that's how one views and conceptualizes and most importantly experiences one's relationship with with children, so then there's this sense of fulfillment to raise your children and to to see, to see your children as adult ovdei Hashem, as adults standing on their own feet, as the next generation in in our mesora, so there's no void, there's no void because one's self-definition even during the child-rearing years, one's self-definition was always that this is my avodas Hashem at this stage in my life. It's not that my self-definition is that I'm a father who devotes 14 hours a day to to his children. No, my self-definition is that I'm oved Hashem and at at this stage in my life, what that entails at this stage in my life when my children are young, so what that entails is that much of my time and energy is directed is devoted to them. But if that's the if that's the perspective, so then the empty nest doesn't doesn't shake a person. It's not a void, it's just at different stages in life there are different balances and there are different there are different avenues which our avodas Hashem points us towards. The fourth transition that we mentioned is that I mean we we asked אל תשליכנו לעת זקנה, we asked that we be spared this nisayon and yet we see that for whatever reason we don't always merit that this bakasha be answered. Maybe it's not always in our best interests. So how does a person cope with that challenge of the decline which which sometimes accompanies old age? So first of all, Rabbeinu Bachya in Chovos HaLevavos offers a a perspective in general on on our vulnerability, on our vulnerability, right? As long as a person is perfectly healthy, so then then then we we we feel good and and we function very well. But the slightest thing, the slightest thing goes wrong in that delicate balance which is our which which is our body and the person can be totally wiped out and and we have just just just we're so vulnerable. So why is it? Why did the Ribono Shel Olam create us so vulnerable? So Rabbeinu Bachya explains that really that this represents a tremendous kindness, a tremendous benefaction on the part of HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Why? Because I guess the biggest challenge in many ways, the perennial challenge is for a person never to lose sight, again we mentioned at the outset of of one's dependence upon HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Says Rabbeinu Bachya, if a person were were not vulnerable, if a person weren't prone to illness, to sickness, if a person didn't have the most basic bodily needs which just drives home the point of our vulnerability, it would be very easy for a person to forget the Ribono Shel Olam. It would be very easy for a person to feel you know, איך בין א מענטש, I can I can take care of myself, I'm independent, I'm autonomous. Why is it let's say we make a bracha every time a person every time a person uses the bathroom, so afterwards we make the bracha of אשר יצר את האדם. So why is that an occasion for a bracha? So we thank HaKadosh Baruch Hu because if he if our system doesn't function properly, if he hadn't created it just perfect so then אי אפשר להתקיים ולעמוד לפניך אפילו שעה אחת. We couldn't survive for an instant. Okay, but is that really a occasion for thanking HaKadosh Baruch Hu? I mean either create us or don't create us, but if the Ribono Shel Olam decides to create us, he has to create us in such a way. precisely for this. For on the one hand Hakadosh Baruch Hu created us that that we can function, that we can do, we can think, we can act, we can accomplish but on the other hand he created us with this underlying vulnerability which serves as a constant reminder to us of him and our dependence upon him. So whenever a person suffers decline, whenever a person suffers decline, so that should be an impetus to turn to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And if and if that's what what Hakadosh Baruch Hu decrees that a person again, whether it's physically, whether it's intellectually that a person does suffer decline at the later stage in his life, so it needs to be understood that way. It needs to be understood as an impetus because the more we experience the vulnerability so then the more we turn to the Ribbono Shel Olam and and the closer we become to him and the and the more we recognize our dependence upon him and it's in that context and with that perspective that the challenge of decline should be met. The other perspective on it is that I think the seforim quote from the בעל שם טוב הקדוש on the pasuk in Shir Hashirim that שמאלו תחת לראשי וימינו תחבקני that kaveyachol speaking anthropomorphically that Hakadosh Baruch Hu's left hand is is under my my my head and he embraces me with his right hand. So what does that mean? So we know that that the right hand represents rachamim, it represents mercy, it represents chesed and left represents din. And what the Baal Shem says is that there are some times when we oved Hashem and we experience Hakadosh Baruch Hu's right hand when Hakadosh Baruch Hu again gives us good health and gives us the vigor to be oved Hashem by being active and by by utilizing our abilities and the abilities are impressive. But then there are other moments in life of smolo tachas roshi and at those times so one has to recognize that accepting the ratzon Hashem, accepting the will of Hashem and and accepting whatever whatever adversity or suffering rachmana litzlan Hakadosh Baruch Hu Hakadosh Baruch Hu sees fit that that we should endure, that that's also avodas Hashem. One of the hardest things and the most difficult things in in dealing with adversity is the sense of futility, is the sense of frustration. But as one if if one recognizes again this this fundamental teaching of the Baal Shem Tov of smolo tachas l'roshi so then there's nothing futile. If this is what the Ribbono Shel Olam wants and by accepting it with equanimity, with emunah, so that's it in and of itself is a tremendous act of serving Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And what's more if it inspires others to to similar emunah in Hakadosh Baruch Hu, it's an even greater act. So then there's no futility and there's no sense of frustration. So these two perspectives that the experience of vulnerability is one which is intended to bring us closer to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, a, and b, that that there is avodas Hashem not only in being active but in accepting the will of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that is also a tremendous act of avodas Hashem, those are the the attitudes that we need to internalize before we reach that stage in life in order if we're asked to to be able to deal with that challenge. Now the final of the five challenges or transitions that we mentioned at the outset is that of mortality, is that of confronting mortality. And in many ways this is certainly the greatest challenge and the greatest nisayon we have because probably our strongest instinct and our most primal instinct is to live, is for self-preservation. And because that instinct is so strong in us to live, the prospect of death rachmana litzlan invites and incites fear and dread on our part. So let's begin by by sketching Yahadus's attitude towards mortality. So the attitude of Yahadus is diametrically opposed to that of our society. That of our society is basically one of denial. And when denial begins to break down, so then we resort to distraction. But basically, intellectually everyone knows, right? Everyone knows that we're all mortal. But in terms of the society in which we live, so many many people emotionally, not intellectually, emotionally don't live that way. Many people live as though as though they're immortal. Denial. And and when that denial is is pierced, when that denial is punctured, when Rachmana litzlan there's a death in the family, so then we resort to distraction, right? And that's what we encounter too often when we go to a beis avel Rachmana litzlan, we we see that instead of instead of talking about the meis, instead of talking about the niftar, instead of the the conversation being conducive to the introspection, to the cheshbon hanefesh which the avel is supposed to be making, so people are looking it's it's misguided sincerity. It is sincerity, but but misguided sincerity. So people are looking to distract them as though the way we can help the avel nebach is by distracting them from this from this ugly reality which they have to confront. So people come and and people tell jokes and if they're not outright telling jokes, but you you steer the conversation to every topic under the sun other than other than what is the occasion and should be the focus of the avelus. So the Western world, at least the contemporary Western world, again tries to deny mortality and when that fails so then we do our best to distract ourselves. The Torah's attitude, and this is something which which we know and we say in a daily basis, is that we should have an acute and constant awareness of of our mortality, right? Every morning when we say Elokai neshama, okay, we have the minhag also of saying Modeh ani when we wake up in the morning, that we don't take for granted that we woke up in the morning. But then we say in Elokai neshama that אתה עתיד ליטלה ממני, but You HaKadosh Baruch Hu in the future going to take my neshama away from me. When we go to sleep at night in HaMapil והאר עיני פן אישן המות, again we don't take for granted, there's no there's no assumption or presumption that of course we're going to wake up in the morning. HaKadosh Baruch Hu please, please allow us to wake up in the morning. So Yahadus wants very much to instill within us that we should have this creaturely awareness of our mortality. This is best dramatized by the halakhos of Yovel, right? The fact that the fact that if you sell a field in Eretz Yisrael, so then that the sale is voided when the Yovel year comes and it goes back to the original owner. That even the eved, the eved Ivri who had his ear pierced and he signed on really forever with his master, so he's set free at Yovel. Why? Because the Torah says because you have to realize כי גרים ותושבים אתם עמדי. You're only you're only tenants with a short-term lease here. Ki li ha'aretz, you can't you can't sell anything in perpetuity because כי גרים ותושבים אתם עמדי. It's interesting. According to one explanation, according to Tosafos, the reason we blow shofar at the end of Yom Kippur, there are different explanations for the minhag, but according to one explanation, we blow shofar zecher le'Yovel. Zecher le'Yovel because in the Yovel year so on Yom Kippur they used to blow shofar similar to the way we blow shofar on Rosh Hashanah. So we commemorate that. So why do we commemorate every year we commemorate what they did once every fifty years? Okay, so maybe that's the only way to do it because we don't count to the Yovel anymore since Yovel's not operative bizmaneinu zeh. But it would seem to be that there's a deeper reason as well and that is that the message of Yom Kippur, which we should take away with us from that day, is the same message as the message of Yovel. And therefore that message of כי גרים ותושבים אתם עמדי of of being tenants on a short-term lease is one which we're supposed to take away with us at the end of the day in Yom Kippur and hence zecher le'Yovel we blow that tekiah at the end of davening. But the fact that the Torah wants to instill within us this awareness, this creaturely awareness of mortality, is not because the Torah is morbid or the Torah is encouraging morbidity. On the contrary, the Torah the Torah very much... values life and wants us to live life with zest. But the only way a person can have a real, real joie de vivre, the only way a person can have a real simchas hachayim and really live life to the fullest and to recognize how precious every moment is and what an invaluable opportunity every precious moment represents and offers is to know that time is not endless and then a person can take advantage of it. So the Torah is not interested in encouraging morbidity, no. The Torah says no, we should live and live besimcha, live besimcha but the only way to live genuinely besimcha and really to to use our time is to have this awareness that the time is not is not limitless and is not open ended. So the awareness of mortality is not to instill morbidity, Rachmana litzlan, but on the contrary it's to enable us to live life to the fullest. It's because it's because Yahadus is so focused on Hayom la'asosam, on Olam Hazeh as the place where a person accomplishes and does and and this is the the venue for and the forum for action, it's for that reason because life is so valued and because a person should live it to the fullest, the only way to live it to the fullest and the only way to have an appreciation for time is if a person realizes that time is not limitless, it's not not open ended. The same story with Rabbi Sal Salanter, Rabbi Sal Salanter was once walking along the street and I don't know was it in Vilna? I'm not sure where where it was and and it was already it was after dusk and he sees that it's very dark but he sees the shoemaker is still working. And he sees that all that's left is a little nub of of a candle and the shoemaker is still there trying to get in a few last blows with with his hammer to fix a pair of shoes. So Rabbi Sal Salanter says to him why don't you why don't you go home already? It's so late, no one's around already. And the shoemaker answers him no he says as long as dus lachtle brent, as long as there's a little bit of light left I want to take advantage to the fullest to to use every moment of illumination I have from the candle. So Rabbi Sal Salanter says נר ה' נשמת אדם, that's a person's attitude towards towards life also. So Yahadus instills within us if we if we open our ears, if we're receptive to it, Yahadus instills within us an awareness of of our mortality. Moreover, Yahadus says that היום לעשותם ומחר לקבל שכרם, that Olam Hazeh is is the world again of attainment, of accomplishment, of achievement and and Olam Haba is is is the the place where we receive our reward. So on the one hand Yahadus is totally oriented towards Olam Hazeh to make the most of Olam Hazeh but to make the most of Olam Hazeh because we know that's how we best make the transition to Olam Haba. התקן עצמך בפרוזדור כדי שתיכנס לטרקלין, right, we're supposed to prepare ourselves in the antechamber represent which which is what Olam Hazeh represents before entering the banquet hall, the traklin, which is represented by by Olam Haba. Mortality is is so difficult and and even impossible to come to grips with if a person lives his life in emotional denial of mortality. And it's a very, very sad experience if you've ever had to to visit an older person who for whom denial no longer works and for whom distraction doesn't work either. And now and now with with numbered days, so the person is is staring at his own or her own mortality. And it's a very there's no more tragic scene than than a person who lives his whole life in denial and in distraction from from that ultimate reality. So Yahadus says no, that's the ultimate reality. It's not only just the ultimate reality, it's the ultimate destination. It's not an ultimate reality and and what can we do, begrudgingly we have to deal with it. No, that's the way the Ribbono Shel Olam created the world, so that's good, וירא אלהים את כל אשר עשה והנה טוב מאד. So the Rav used to quote the Midrash, בתורתו של רבי מאיר כתוב זה המות. If that's the way the Ribbono Shel Olam created the world, so it's not only that that's the ultimate reality, it's the ultimate destination. So ella mai, ella mai, so if a person lives his whole life in denial of that, trying to doing every resorting to every possible stratagem to distract himself from that and then at the last moment moments he has to deal with that, so that's overwhelming. It's overwhelming. If a person lives his whole life with a healthy sense, not a morbid sense, God forbid, but a healthy sense with joy, yeah, he goes to a chasunah and he dances and he dances because Ribbono Shel Olam says, yeah, cherish every moment and live every moment to the fullest. And a person does that, but a person does it with a healthy, a healthy sense of כי גרים ותושבים אתם עמדי, so then a person, a person can, can hope to be as ready as as he possibly can for that ultimate transition, again, not just an ultimate reality which we have to confront, but what the Ribbono Shel Olam, if that's the ultimate destination, then that's good. V'hinei tov me'od. In conclusion, the general thrust of the various transitions that we spoke about from, from dependence to independence, from the coping with emptiness, decline, mortality, we also spoke from single to married and family, but what's the general thrust? Is there a common denominator so to at least four of the five, there is a common denominator, and that is that the general thrust is that the transition is that we should be comfortable being alone with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And that all of our busyness in life and all of our relationships and friendships, that none of this should, should eclipse or interfere or obstruct our cultivating a direct relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So we grow to become independent. And we explained, what does it mean to be independent? It means to sense and experience that our real dependence, our true dependence is upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Our children grow up and they, and they move, they get married, they move into their, their own homes, and maybe, maybe even if we're not fortunate enough to live in Eretz Yisrael, so they're fortunate enough to live in Eretz Yisrael and they live far away from us, again, so what does that again, it pushes us even more, even more to cultivate that relationship one-on-one with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The same thing in terms of dealing with, with decline, if Rachmana Litzlan, that's how Hakadosh Baruch Hu asks that we deal with, and certainly in terms of confronting mortality because that's the one nisayon in, in life which everyone has to face as an individual, right, that's the one thing which, which every one of us has to confront individually. So the common denominator of all these things is that we should, all these challenges, all these transitions, they're all transitions to be focused more and more on the Ribbono Shel Olam, more and more on, on Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And if we try, if we genuinely want, then הבא לטהר מסייעין אותו.