Chinuch Habonim V’Habanos

Thank you very much.

כי ידעתיו למען אשר יצוה את בניו ואת ביתו אחריו ושמרו דרך ה' לעשות צדקה ומשפט.

Ki Yedativ, the Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, I love Avraham Avinu, or perhaps I, I extend to Avraham Avinu a special form and a special measure of hashgacha pratis, leman, either because of the fact or in order that he will instruct or he does instruct, he constantly is instructing his children and the members of his household to follow in his footsteps, veshamru derech Hashem, that they should observe the way of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The Meshech Chochma comments that this pasuk is the source in the Chumash for chinuch. When Chazal refer to chinuch as d'rabbanan, it means in the specific instance that right now that you have to tell the katan to davven Shacharis, so that chiyuv chinuch is mid'rabbanan. But speaking more broadly, so then the chiyuv chinuch is d'oraisa and it's rooted in this pasuk. This pasuk also gives us a sense for just how central the blessing, the privilege, the responsibility of chinuch is. Avraham Avinu, zera Avraham ohavi, the navi speaking in the name of Hakadosh Baruch Hu refers to Avraham Avinu as an ohev Hashem, the paradigm of ahavas Hashem. Mistama, one could write not just a one-volume biography, mistama, one could write a multi-volume biography of all of Avraham Avinu's virtues and different expressions of ahavas Hashem, and yet Hakadosh Baruch Hu singles out: why is it that I love him, why is it that I extend to him this special measure of hashgacha pratis? It's because of his commitment, because of his single-minded devotion to chinuch, to transmitting the mesorah which he is founding. Life is for many very hectic. Parnassa for many doesn't come easily and it's certainly time-consuming. And yet, whatever else is going on in our lives, there simply has to be time for chinuch. Sometimes it's tempting, a temptation that the yetzer hara extends to us, to think, well, after all, I'm working to pay tuition and I'm paying hefty tuition bills, and that's where the and through that I'm discharging my obligation of chinuch. I'm sending my children, my sons, my daughters to appropriate yeshivos, and so even if I'm not home too much, even if I don't have the time, even if I don't or can't find the time, but I'm not neglecting chinuch because I'm sending my kids to yeshiva. That calculation is wrong for a few reasons. Obviously, hopefully בעזרת ה' בלי נדר we'll return to this, obviously the choice of yeshiva for one's children is a central part of the chinuch package, but in no way do we discharge our obligation of chinuch vicariously through the yeshiva. First of all, the Ramban writes very famously in his Igeres, he tells his son that whenever you learn, whenever you finish learning, so when you get up and you close the sefer, you have to ask yourself, what is it that I can implement, what is it that I can apply from what I just learned? So other than a dormitory situation, and no children before the age of 13 or so are in a dormitory situation, and I think in our communities for the most part they're not in a dormitory situation during the high school years either, so basically yeshiva is where they learn. And then where they, the second half of what the Ramban is talking about in his Igeres, of applying, of implementing what they learned, so the venue for that is at home. So that's where the real chinuch should be happening, because that's where, so in yeshiva they learn what they should be doing, how they should be reacting, and then the chance to implement it is at home, so that's where the real... The chinuch is going to be implemented. Secondly, and this too, bli neder, im yirtzeh Hashem, I hope we'll come back to briefly. Within chinuch, perhaps the most effective tool, the most effective way to reach, influence and inspire our children is by being a role model, by the the force of personal example. Again, given the very narrow cross-section of life which is present within the koslei ha-yeshiva, within the koslei of of schools and yeshivos, there isn't that much chance for the teachers, for the rabbeim, for the moros to be role-modeling in the whole the whole spectrum of of the situations and the scenarios which arise in real life. Parents need to be around in order to serve as role models in so many different situations which only come up in the home and which simply don't arise in school, in yeshiva. And perhaps most fundamentally, no matter how much our children receive from rabbeim, from moros, from teachers, they naturally, instinctively look to their parents. No matter what children will hear and what and no matter what guidance and instruction children are going to receive in yeshiva, in school, they're going to look naturally. That's why Hakadosh Baruch Hu wired us, that's why Hakadosh Baruch Hu programmed us, that we look to our parents to to set an example, which is why again, simply the presence of parents to invest time, to be around, to be able to be involved again directly, first-hand in chinuch is something for which there's no there's no substitute. I think the Chovos HaLevavos comments that that if you look at the beriah, you look at Hakadosh Baruch Hu's creation, so human young, children are unique in that if you look at the animal kingdom, so the animal young become independent very quickly in whatever whatever species you want to look at. So the the time of dependence, the period of dependence is a very very short one. When you look at the human young, when you look at at at children, so the period of dependence, whether physical or emotional dependence, lasts much longer. And the and the Chovos HaLevavos explains that's because Hakadosh Baruch Hu set up the situation that the dependence is what gives us the the opening to be mechanech our children and that's why Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world in the way that he did. What happens if a person looks and simply doesn't have the time? Things are just again, whether the demands of of one's job or or whatever else? So the truth is that that here we segue to the next point, that it's important to have a disclaimer in in speaking about chinuch in a public forum. Certainly there are general principles and approaches which we can discuss together, which we can review, but obviously, ultimately, chinuch has to be personalized, it has to be tailored to the individual child. And as much as we can discuss again in broad strokes together, when all is said and done, it needs to be adjusted, it needs to be applied to individual sets of circumstances. The issue of finding time within one's life to devote to chinuch certainly belongs within that within that realm of what has to be individualized. But I think we we would do well to transpose. Truth is that the Rav said it in in the context of talking about chinuch. He wasn't talking about necessarily this aspect of the challenge of chinuch, but he he once commented in a very very beautiful formulation, he was talking about the the challenge of being mechanech children in America, where in order for them to basically ultimately enter the workforce and and be productive members in the workforce, so they need to receive a secular... as well as providing them with the general education, so he said very beautifully, he said he doesn't know if it's possible, he says could be it's impossible, but one thing he knows is that we have to do it. And the same, that same truth can be said about this as well. It could be that when some of us look at our schedules, we simply don't have the time. Maybe it's impossible to find the extra time, the extra hours to spend with our children, to devote to our children, to be involved first-hand in the chinuch. Maybe it's impossible, but one thing is clear, whether it's possible or impossible, somehow, eich shehu, we have to make it happen. We're all familiar with the famous Midrash, Hakadosh Baruch Hu introduces the Akeida, קח נא את בנך את יחידך אשר אהבת, and Rashi quotes from Chazal, recreates the dialogue between Hakadosh Baruch Hu and Avraham Avinu, קח נא את בנך, I have two sons, et yechidcha, each one is an only son to his mother, asher ahavta, I love them both. Ki kaasher yeaseh, what it means to be a parent, what it means to be a father, what it means to be a mother is to love one's children. כי כאשר ייסר איש את בנו השם אלוקיך מייסרך, that we're supposed to know that the way Hakadosh Baruch Hu teaches us, the way Hakadosh Baruch Hu chastises us is with the same approach, the same attitude as a father, as a parent teaches or if need be chastises the child, meaning with love. To be mechanech, it has to be done in an atmosphere, in a climate of love, in an environment of love. So it could be that one's reaction to hearing that is, what's that taka about? All parents love their children. It's something which is implanted within us instinctively. Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave us an instinct, the parental instinct is one which part of it is a sense of love. So that's true, but there's a very important but. It's absolutely true that parental love, paternal, maternal love is instinctive, but only a modicum of love is instinctive. The amount of love which is present within us instinctively when you walk by the nursery and you see the newborn child, I think mothers more than fathers certainly feel it even before the baby is born, that amount of love that is felt is only a starting point, but it's not enough to allow one to be mechanech one's children. We have as parents, we have an instinctive love for our children, but we have many other inclinations and proclivities and instincts as well. I may have an instinctive love for my children, I also am, and I don't mean to project my chesronos onto others, but sorry, this is true of everyone, I'm also instinctively selfish. That's also a very basic instinct which is embedded within the human persona is that naturally we're selfish. So I have an instinct, I have a proclivity for selfishness, I may have an instinct, a proclivity for laziness, for frustration, for impatience. So it's true that parental love is instinctive, but if we just rely on that instinctive love and we don't look to cultivate and we don't look to deepen it, that's not going to allow us to be again

קח נא את בנך את יחידך אשר אהבת, כי כאשר ייסר איש את בנו,

that the model for teaching is a father, כרחם אב על בנים, the way parents have love for children. That love means that the instinct that we have for love is the starting point, but it's something that has to be cultivated, it has to be developed because otherwise that instinct will often be overridden by a combination or a composite of many other instincts. So maybe my parental instinctive love for my children says that I should be patient, says that I should give up whatever I was now to attend to my kids, to spend time to my kids, to do something for them, but if I don't cultivate that instinct, if I don't deepen that love, some of my selfishness, my laziness, my frustration, my impatience, and many other instincts may kick in and simply override that and and overwhelm it. The way love is cultivated, there is a famous passage in Masechet Derech Eretz where Masechet Derech Eretz says, let's say that someone, Masechet Derech Eretz isn't talking only about children, but it's true, it's true קל וחומר בן בנו של קל וחומר that it's true about about children as well, that let's say there's someone I know I don't like, but there's a mitzvah of ahavat Yisrael. But I know I don't really like this guy. So the Masechet Derech Eretz says that הרוצה שיתאהב חברו עליו, I want that my friend should become more beloved to me. I want that I should love my friend. So the Masechet Derech Eretz says something that we again might think is counter-intuitive, says that I should do something for him. I should invest for him, I should go do him a tovah, I should go put myself out for him, I should go try to be moser nefesh for him, because Hakadosh Baruch Hu again, the way Hakadosh Baruch Hu designed human psychology is that the more we're moser nefesh for someone, the deeper the bond that we feel and the more ahavah that we feel towards that person. If we take that basic instinctive love that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gives us for our children and then we combine it with this guidance of the Masechet Derech Eretz, so then that love becomes so much deeper, so much more powerful and create the atmosphere, the environment of את בנך אשר אהבת which is critical for for being mechanech. Moreover, as long as one is simply relying or falling back on the instinctive love that one feels for one's children, as real as it is, we may feel it, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's discernible to the children. Doesn't necessarily mean that the the children feel it. As long as we think in terms of again just the instinctive love that we have for children and we're not mindful of the fact that the again, that we need to make a concerted effort again to cultivate, to deepen, to intensify that love, so what we feel instinctively may not come across, it may not be discernible to to the children. Why is love so critical, so indispensable in terms of being mechanech? First of all, children who grow up in in a home where they feel the warmth and the love from their parents, who feel enveloped in in parental love, are much more likely to have the critically vital self-esteem and self-confidence that a child needs to succeed in anything, avodat Hashem and lehavdil any other aspect of life, any other sub-category of avodat Hashem. And second of all, when children feel love, they're also going to be more open and more receptive to the chinuch that their parents are trying to give them, to the hashpa'ah that their parents are trying to have on them. It's people are much much more open again to hadracha, to hashpa'ah from someone whom they know loves them. The same is true in other other relationships as well, it's not only true in the parent-child relationship, but it's certainly true there as well. The halacha l'maaseh of all this is that part of the mitzvah of למען אשר יצוה את בניו ואת ביתו אחריו is to spend time with children, lav davka again, not only in learning Chumash and in practicing berachot and in learning Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, but just the amount the time that's spent with children that communicates to them this sense of being loved. It can be a mitzvah d'Oraita to play games with your children, to play ball with your children can be a kiyum of a mitzvah d'Oraita of למען אשר יצוה את בניו ואת ביתו אחריו. The second foundation for chinuch alongside ahavah is earning the respect of our children. What determines, leaving aside whatever hang-ups or whatever other issues that we have, but what determines whether or not we're going to accept that hadrachah that's being offered, what determines whether or not we're gonna accept the psak halachah? So l'chora there are two criteria that we use. The first one is a criterion of קבלת האמת ממי שאמרו. Doesn't matter who's speaking, doesn't matter necessarily what credentials or qualifications the person brings to the table, we'll judge what the person is saying on its own merits. So if the person is speaking about something where we feel qualified to make that judgment, so then we will accept or reject or perhaps remain non-committal, again based on applying the standard of קבלת האמת ממי שאמרו whether or not we say that it's nikkarim divrei emes, that we recognize this as true. But there's also another criterion, there's also something else which is crucial in determining whether we accept again guidance, hadrachah, whether we're open to hashpa'ah, whether we accept psak halachah, and that's who's giving it. That's even if, as is always the case when we're asking shailos, by definition it's something which is beyond our competence, it's beyond our ability to authoritatively judge whether what we're being told is right or wrong, so then what determines whether or not we accept it? Who we're hearing it from. Who we're hearing it from. So in the realm of psak halachah, so if we go to someone, if for some reason we hear a psak halachah but we don't know who this rav is and we don't know what his stature is, so lav davka that we're going to accept that psak halachah. We go and we know that the rav is a very distinguished, highly and widely respected moreh hora'ah, then we're going to accept it. So children, I don't know whether they do this consciously, I don't know whether they can articulate it, maybe at a certain age they can, at a certain age they certainly can't. They're not so much in a position to be applying the first criterion or the first standard of קבלת האמת ממי שאמרו, but they're very, very much in a position to be applying the second standard of "Who am I hearing this from?" And just the fact that one is hearing it from one's father or mother doesn't always cut it, that's not always going to carry the day. But if it's my father whose love I feel and who commands my respect, if it's my mother whose love I feel and who commands my respect, so then I'm going to be open to that instruction, to that guidance, to that hadrachah. So as parents, it's crucial, absolutely crucial that we command our children's respect. Again, but please, please notice, not demand their respect, that doesn't do it. We're in deep trouble if we have to demand our children's respect, we have to be able to command, again, by virtue of our devotion to them, by virtue of the role models that we are for them, we have to be able to command their respect in the sense of earning their respect, that they naturally give their respect. If a parent hears himself or herself having to resort to the argument of "I'm the mommy, I'm the tateh, and you gotta listen to what I'm saying", okay, so maybe with a two-year-old or a three-year-old that's okay, but as they get older, if that's the gist of the argument and that's the thrust of the moral persuasion, then it's an oy vey, then we're in big trouble. The more children respect their parents, not only the more open they are again to the hadrachah, to the hashpa'ah, to the chinuch that their parents proactively try to impart, but the more the children will also seek out the parents, especially as they get older, the more that Children will seek out the parents for their guidance, for their hadracha. If the relationship was characterized by the parent demanding respect, so we can be quite confident that the children at, and I'm not, again not in their preteen years, not in their teen years, not in their adult years, they're not going to seek our guidance, they're not going to seek our hadracha. If we earn their respect, if we command their respect, so then that's a relationship which will continue. And the children will not only, again, be receptive and reactive, but the children will actually seek out the hadracha from their parents. So those are the two foundations for chinuch, there has to be love, there has to be respect and that respect has to be earned, it has to be commanded, it can't be demanded. Within chinuch though, the kavod has to be bilateral, meaning that it's not only that we seek to earn the respect of our children, we have to respect our children. In order to be mechanech children, we have to respect the children. We have to respect their needs, we have to respect their feelings, we have to respect their individuality. Respecting their needs at a young age, it can be a child's need to be able to say what he or she wants to eat for breakfast or lunch and not have that constantly meet a parental veto because according to the pediatrician's book, this isn't exactly the pyramid that the child is supposed to be following for the meal plan. And obviously those needs change as they become more significant and more material as children grow. Respecting children's feelings is also crucial. Let's take a moshal, again we'll take a moshal with a younger child and then extrapolate from there to older children and more objectively major issues. Let's say there's an exciting class trip planned. I don't know, it's Lag B'omer so there's an outing to the park or maybe there's some other special class trip and the child wakes up or the child goes to sleep with a fever and you know that the child can't go. So the child is obviously devastated. So you can tell the child, and on one level I suppose it's true, you know it's not such a big deal, you know it's not such a big deal and the whole thing is just going to the park and first you have to shlep to the park and it might even be cold while you shlep to the park and then the child feels that you don't begin to understand what he or she is so disappointed about, what he or she is feeling. So the child gets more frustrated. What breeds frustration is when we feel that we're talking to someone and that person doesn't begin to understand what we're saying, what we're expressing, what we're feeling. That complicates all human relationships. If you respect the child's feelings, so for the seven-year-old, the eight-year-old, the ten-year-old, the twelve-year-old, so not going on the Lag B'omer outing to the park is a big deal, it's a very big deal. So the first thing is to agree with the child, yeah it's takeh major, major disappointment. Once the child knows that, once you validate the child's feelings, the child knows that you understand, that you can empathize, then the child's going to be open to hearing your words of solace, your words of chizuk, that we're going to go, we'll go. The school trip was going to be two hours to the park, so next time, next Sunday afternoon, so we're going to go for four hours to the park and we'll get a special new ball or something to play with. Then the child's going to be open. deal, you know forget about it, or what are you going to do? It happens. You get sick and and it happens, you know, them's the breaks. So then we're not going to be able to reach our children that way. Respect their needs, respect their feelings, and respect their individuality. Often, because we don't step back and reflect—if we were to step back and reflect, we would easily recognize it—often we impose our ambitions upon our children. Maybe even more crudely, we worry about how their life's decisions reflect upon us, rather than their suitability for the children. A Rav once told me the following story, be-didi hava uvda. He had he had a son, he had only one son, daughter also, he had only one son, and he very, very much wanted that his son should follow in his footsteps and should go into rabbonus. The son was was learning in Eretz Yisrael. Son calls him up, tells him that he wants to drop out of yeshiva, and he wants to take a job, he has an offer, he wants to take a job as a car mechanic. So he feels his world collapsing. Felt the way Chicken Little felt, or the way Chicken Little claimed to feel, I don't know, but so that that was the Rav's reaction. So he says, he says to his son, he says, I'll call you back in five minutes. Hangs up the phone and he calls up the Rav zichrono livracha and tells him what happened. So the Rav told him, the Rav knew the father, knew the son, and he knew that the son wasn't cut out for rabbonus. He wasn't cut out for rabbonus. Lo l'kach notzra. So he said, tell him that you agree 100%, that you'll support him 100%, but on one condition. He shouldn't just take this job, he should come back, he should take the best course there is in in in car mechanics that there is, and that you're going to support him through all this, and that's what you should tell. So he hangs up the phone with the Rav, calls his son back and tells him, I agree, you can leave yeshiva, you can pursue this, but I don't want you to take this job, I want you to come back, find find out where the best training is, where the best course is, do it, and I'll support you. Tells me the story and he tells me, you know this past Yom Kippur my son didn't eat before the ta'anis because the Hatzalah ambulance in his neighborhood broke down and he was working till literally minutes before shkiah down to the wire to fix the Hatzalah ambulance so in case Rachmana l'tzlan there was a call, the Hatzalah ambulance would be ready to go. And he had such tremendous nachas from his son, and such tremendous hakaras hatov to the Rav for that eitzah that he had given him. So we have to respect our children's individuality. It could be that למה שנוצרנו לא נוצרו הם. It could be that what our calling in life is is not going to be their calling in life. We have to respect their individuality and support them in finding their niche within avodas Hashem. Let's talk for a couple of minutes again just reviewing devarim yeduyim throughout. Talk a little bit about discipline. Discipline first in the mild sense of correcting, commenting, criticizing. So here the yesod is that we have to prioritize, we have to triage. There is the famous Gemara in Makkos that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave Moshe Rabbeinu taryag mitzvos and then בא דוד והעמידן על י"א and then Yeshayahu came and took those six hundred thirteen mitzvos and he'emidan and he somehow or other condensed them into six, Micha into three, Chavakuk into one, so it's obviously a very, very strange Gemara. of very great stature says an unbelievable peshat in the Gemara. Says what the Gemara means is that each of these Neviim lived at a time when they couldn't preach to their generation all of Taryag Mitzvos. So they had to prioritize which ones they were going to emphasize, which ones they were going to teach, which ones that they were going to emphasize. And that's what it means:

בא העמידן על אחת עשרה העמידן על שש העמידן על שלוש העמידן על אחת.

When the Gedolim came to America, they found themselves in such a situation. There were lots of things they didn't comment on. Sometimes people reminisce about the good old days when Orthodox shuls had bingo and they had mixed dancing and כי שאל נא לימים ראשונים אשר היו לפניך and all the... so it's true, all those things did happen in Orthodox shuls. Why did they happen in Orthodox shuls? Because if there was no Shemiras Shabbos and there was no Mikvah and there was no Kashrus, it wasn't the time to talk about the bingo. So you leave bingo for the next stage and then you talk about bingo. So in teaching one can't work on all fronts at once. If a child's day is: tuck in your shirt, pick up your toys, clean up your room, stand straight, one after another, so then the mother or the father ceases to be a mother or father and becomes a drill sergeant and when the kid passes by the parents it's stomach in and chest out and the parent becomes a drill sergeant rather than a mother or father. So you have to pick your issues. We can't create a sense where kids feel objectively, realistically, that whenever they turn around they're hearing some kind of correction which comes across more as a criticism. So whatever the child is, whatever stage the child's holding at, so like Dovid HaMelech, like Yeshayahu, like Micha, like Chavakuk, so we have to choose what are the most important issues. If where he's holding right now, tucking his shirt in is the most important tikkun that needs to be made, okay. So then that's something we should comment on. You know, I think you should tuck your shirt in. But if there are other things which are more important, which are more basic, so he'll tuck his shirt in a few months later after we finish helping him work on other issues which are more major and which are more pressing. So we need to prioritize in chinuch. Can't always work on all fronts at once. Me'inyan le'inyan, in a related sense, there's a lot of needless confrontation that happens between parents and children and it unfolds again, to give an example with small children but the same thing is, just tweak it and the same thing is true for older children as well. So the parent comes and the kid is tired, it's been a long day, it's almost time for bedtime. So the parent says, clean up your room. So a child says no, I don't want to. Okay. So how do things unfold from here? So they can... the child is tired, the child's overwhelmed, maybe the child's a little lazy also. Could be. So how do things develop from here? So either the parent lays down the law and demands that immediately the child clean up his room. Almost inevitably there's going to be confrontation, almost inevitably there's going to be confrontation. The alternative is, again, you have to adjust this example as the age increases to make it age-appropriate, but working within this example, so the alternative is that the parent says to the child, come, I'll help you. The parent does a token part, does the first installment in cleaning up the room, does a token part of cleaning up the room. The child ends up doing a lot, if not most of it, and the chinuch message is very much communicated. The chinuch message gets across. The resistance is broken down by that expression of sympathy and help as opposed to something which is just experienced as just sort of a cold command. When we look at the issue of discipline and its, again, stronger form in terms of punishing children, in terms of hitting children, there's a passuk in Mishlei that you can quote, there's a Gemara in Makkos you can quote, but I would just tell you two things. L'aniyas da'ati, almost every time parents hit children, l'aniyas da'ati, they're over an issur d'oraissa. Whatever the passuk in Mishlei is talking about, whatever, whatever the Gemara in Makkos is talking about, it means when a parent is acting with total composure and the parent is calibrating that I'm doing this to be m'chanekh my children. If the parent is acting out of anger, out of frustration, the same anger and frustration that if it were socially acceptable I'd smack the guy who cut me in line in the bank, but the only thing is that's not socially acceptable so I don't do it. So I sort of mutter and then when I get home I'll yell about it, but if it was socially acceptable I would have smacked him also. Okay, the only thing is with your kids it's socially acceptable, so when we get angry and we get impatient and we get frustrated and we had a hard day at work and then we come home and we see that our kids wrote all over the wall or wrote all over our favorite seforim, so then we lose it. So that's not what the passuk in Mishlei is talking about, that's not what the Gemara in Makkos is talking about. That's derech nitzayon and that's derech bizayon and I think that's an issur d'oraissa. I've yet on those occasions when I've seen parents hit kids, I've yet to see a parent who was able to hit a kid with perfect composure, totally calm, dispassionately having decided

הנני מוכן ומזומן לקיים מצות עשה למען אשר יצוה את בניו ואת ביתו אחריו ושמרו דרך ה' לעשות צדקה ומשפט.

That's A. B: they tell a story, an unbelievable story. This is in print. A couple came to Rav Wolbe, zichrono l'vracha, to talk about the fact that their son was off the derech. And nothing they said made a difference. As they say in French, he wasn't goresh them. And they were besides themselves. So Rav Wolbe looks at the father and says: tell me, did you hit him when he was a kid? So the father says: yes. So he says: so what do you want from me? What do you expect? Why shouldn't he hate you now? What did you expect would happen? Aye, didn't Rav Wolbe know the passuk in Mishlei? Safe assumption that he did. And didn't he know the Gemara in Makkos? Equally safe assumption that he did. Nishtanu ha'tivayim. It doesn't work. Nishtanu ha'tivayim. The same way there's nishtanu ha'tivayim in terms of physical, in physical areas, nishtanu ha'tivayim in terms of emotional realities as well. It doesn't work. Even, even if one would find parents who are a model of composure and compassion and with that hit their kids, it doesn't work. We mentioned before the role of choosing a yeshiva for one's children within the chinuch. And again, with all the emphasis on the indispensable role of the parents and the primary role of the parents notwithstanding, obviously this is a major, major decision. I once, rachmana l'tzlan, I once attended a levaya. And the maspid, a rav, I think he was a Chaim Berliner, I don't remember his name, so he talked about, he was extolling one of the virtues of the niftar and he said: in America, he says, the minhag is as follows. He says, if you're buying a car, no one in their right mind buys a car, especially a new car, without first taking it out for a test drive. I have to see if I'm comfortable, I have to see how it handles, I have to see whether whether I like the feel of it. He says, when we register our kids for Yeshiva, well I heard nice things about the Yeshiva so we send in the the registration form. He said that he was talking about this niftar, he said he didn't test drive his cars. He says you got a recommendation on a car, you bought the car. He says before he enrolled his kids in a Yeshiva, he went and he visited the Yeshiva and he spent time, he didn't rely on eid mipi eid and what's being discussed le'or halevana or in other in other forms. He went and he checked out the the Yeshivas. It was a very, very powerful point. It's it's one of the biggest decisions that we make for our children, which which affects their their their lives. They spend so many of their waking hours during their formative years in in Yeshiva. Why should we be content with making a decision based on on hearsay? If the Yeshiva doesn't doesn't let you sit in, doesn't let you get any firsthand experience, so then how can you how can you consider it? Maybe it's a good Yeshiva but you have no way of knowing. So how can one just sign away? We have to know firsthand that the Yeshiva to which we're sending our children is is the right Yeshiva. We have to know that per se it's a good Yeshiva and B, we have to know that it's the right match for for our particular child. It may be a wonderful Yeshiva, but our but but one's particular child's individual needs, strengths, won't be met, won't be catered to by by this Yeshiva. The other important consideration that that needs to be borne in mind in in choosing schools, Yeshivos for our children is there has to be some kind of basic confluence and coordination between Yeshiva and and between home. I remember that there was a family once who told the Rav where they were going to be sending their son sending their son to Yeshiva. And the Rav told them that he thought it was a very bad idea. He said that what he's going to be taught in that Yeshiva is so different from your lifestyle and from what he's going to see at home, you're going to make him meshugge. He's going to be so confused, he's going to see one lifestyle and one set of values in in Yeshiva. He's going to see a very different lifestyle and different values practiced and implemented at home. He's going to be very he's going to become very confused. They didn't listen to him, and he takeh did end up that way. Takeh ended up tzedreit. He ended up all all confused because of that lack of coordination, that lack of of of confluence. There has to be a a common ground between, again, the values that that we represent our children at home and the values to which we expose them in Yeshiva. Otherwise, one of two things happens. Either they end up very confused, or they basically end up rejecting the parents because they hear that in Yeshiva and school they're they're told differently. There has to be again a basic... doesn't mean it has to be identical, doesn't mean that in every minor detail, it doesn't mean the Rebbe has to knot his tie the way way we we knot our ties, but there has to be some kind of fundamental confluence, some kind of fundamental coordination. We also touched briefly before on this centrality of being a role model for our children. So I'll give you the Rav zichrono l'vracha used to say that when he would talk about his experiences it wasn't because he thought his experiences were any more valuable than anyone else's. He says but those are the only experiences that that he can draw upon. So with that same apology, I'd like to share one experience with you. I don't talk during davening. I never really have. I don't talk during davening. I say that, there's no bragging, nor—the reason I don't talk during davening is because I grew up sitting in shul next to my father zichrono l'vracha who didn't talk during davening. If I needed something, he communicated non-verbally. If need be, you go out of shul. He didn't talk during davening. And not only did I grow up sitting next to a father who didn't talk during davening, I also grew up in a shul, in a shtiebel, where it was very, very quiet, where there was hardly any davening. The most effective form of chinuch—so I don't talk, it's not to my credit that I don't talk during davening. Not to my credit. It just comes effortlessly. It comes naturally. And if you look, you look and you see so too often there's a correlation. Too often there's a correlation. The father talks during chazarat hashatz, the father talks bein gavra l'gavra during kriyat hatorah, so the son does also. I imagine the same thing happens on the other side of the mechitza as well, that the daughters when they're young, so their behavior also is going to reflect the mother's. This is just again an example in terms of how critical it is that we be proper role models. It's worth asking ourselves before whatever we do, is this something that I really want my kids to adopt? Is this really something which I want my kids to do? Being a role model is so pivotal because as the cliché goes, actions speak louder than words. And being a role model is so pivotal because actions can show the beauty of a way of life of Torah more vividly and more effectively and more poignantly than words can ever capture. So if we want to be mechanech our children to work hard, to learn, to be baalei chesed, to have bitachon, so above all, we have to be role models in those areas. It's beginning to get late, but maybe just a few more minutes, just a few other comments. It goes without saying that we need to be sensitive to our children's social integration, k'nei l'cha chaver. The Rambam writes, I think he actually quotes it from Aristotle, he says man is a social animal. And for that reason, of course, we need to be very, very sensitive to our children's, again, social integration, that they should have friends, they should be me'uravim im habriyot. But we have to find a way to balance that with not simply falling in line with what everyone else does and what our children's colleagues' parents let them do, that that should dictate to us what we do. It may be the case that in grade school or even in high school, every other kid in the class has a cell phone and has a cell phone with internet and has—excuse me, I'm about to say has a cell phone with an iPod or maybe that's something different—has an iPod, has an iPad, and has whatever other gadgets there are. It doesn't mean that we have to forfeit our prerogative to be mechanech our children to what's right and to what's correct, and because everyone else has a cell phone with internet, so that they can become used to bittel zman from a very young age so that it will come naturally as they get older, it doesn't mean that we have to. doesn't mean that we have to follow line with that. Ay but isn't it important that they have friends? Yes, so we have to find a way of on the one hand being able to set our own standards for chinuch habanim vehabanos and balancing that and at times there is a tension, at times there is a tension, and balancing that with with the social integration which is so critical for our children. When our children reach an age where they're more than capable of sitting in shul for davening for two hours, for two and a half hours, they're nine, they're ten, they're eleven years old, so when they go to school so there's an expectation that they should sit, that they should be able to sit for hours and hours, but in shul for some reason there's a notion that no, how long can you expect kids to sit in shul and so here too we have to reflect and we have to introspect what's really correct and then it can't be as simple as that's what everyone else does because reductio ad absurdum ein ladavar sof if we take that to its natural conclusion so then we sort of abdicate responsibility and we lose the privilege and the prerogative of being mechanech our children the way they should because it's no longer what we know is the right thing for our children but it's what everyone else does. The Vilna Gaon writes in his Igeres the Chofetz Chaim I think quotes the Vilna Gaon and talks about this as well, the special importance of being mechanech children about shmiras haloshon, about not talking loshon hora and that this is true in every area of halacha, it's true in every area of shmiras hamitzvos that the habits that we form in our youth are just so crucial and it's just so hard to change things later. The same way the orthodontist that takes months, it takes years to try to move the bone of the teeth because it's embedded, so the same is true many times over for habits that we develop that we allow our children to develop and they single out, the Gaon, the Chofetz Chaim single out the area of shmiras haloshon. So like everything in chinuch, like everything in life, obviously it has to be done with chochma. A child has to be able to come home and tell the parent about an issue with a teacher. A child has to be able to come home and tell a parent about an altercation with another child. That's obviously letoeles. When the child is old enough, I think it's good, the Chofetz Chaim writes that even in those cases when it's mutar, when it's a mitzvah to hear to say loshon hora, so you have to make sure that the other person knows that's the only reason you're listening. So he says for instance when you're making inquiries for a shidduch, so you have to say that I'm making inquiries for a shidduch and that's the only reason I'm looking to hear whether there's something negative that's pertinent. So when again at an age when it's age-appropriate, so we can and should tell our children, you know it's very good, you know because whenever anything is relevant or even possibly relevant, it's very important that we know about it, that we discuss it. But sometimes you can have a case where it's clearly unambiguously again there's no toeles. The kid comes home and wants to say that he saw two adults ich veis arguing in shul or whatever. Some nothing that relates to his welfare, nothing, there's no issue of protecting and looking out for the child there. So then it's so, so crucial that children be mechunach from a young age when they reach the age of chinuch in terms of shmiras haloshon. Just one or two other brief... How does everything we're talking about, what's the breakdown between mother and father in everything we've been talking about? Till now basically we've been talking sort of generically about parenting, about what the children need, what's the breakdown between mother and father? So schematically the answer is that a certain amount children have to receive from their mother. Regardless of how much the father can give them for their emotional well-being, for things that a mother can uniquely give, there's a certain amount children need to get from their mother. There's the same is true on the other side; there's a certain amount they need to get from their father. Again, no matter how much the mother is in a position to give, no matter how loving she is, a loving mother isn't a substitute for a distant father. And then beyond that, then there's a certain amount that can depend upon the family dynamic. Then there's a certain amount where, again, once you have that critical mass of maternal involvement and you have a critical mass of paternal involvement, then already it can depend upon the family dynamic. In bediavad situations, so sometimes, again, if you can't get the other person to do what he or she is supposed to be doing, in bediavad situations, sometimes the mother's going to be doing things which the father should be doing. It's not what one wants lechatchila, but it's obviously bediavad that that's what should be done. And sometimes the opposite happens. Sometimes for whatever reason, for whatever set of issues, the mother is not giving, is not providing what she should be giving. So then there's no gzeiras hakatuv of, "no, that's the mother's job to impart to the children, this is the father's job to impart to the children." No, there's certain things children have to get; if they're not getting it where they should get it, so then bediavad the parent who does recognize that has to step up and do his or her best. And just two final points. In being mechanech our children, we have to try very hard to make Torah come alive to them, not as a series of rules, but as a way of life, as a way of experiencing life. And maybe just to give one example ללמד על הכלל כולו and udminei, and then we can try to, again, extrapolate from there. Part of chinuch is that our children should see and understand how certain courses of action that we do are expressions of bitachon. They should see, again, not just hear, again, a mussar shmuess, a sicha about bitachon, but they should actually be able, they should actually, again, see and sense how we live with a sense of bitachon. They should be able to see and sense how, again, there's a sense of reverence for Shabbos. Again, if you'll forgive with the same apology for personal reminiscences, my father zichrono livracha throughout his life always used to refer back to how his father zichrono livracha would never, the chavivus and the eima of Shabbos that he had, he would never leave to go anywhere after twelve o'clock on erev Shabbos. So there's a suburb of Boston, Chelsea, it's ach weiss, I don't know, forty, forty-five minutes. So once my grandfather, my paternal grandfather, was supposed to go spend Shabbos there, and his ride showed up at 12:02 and he said he can't go, it's too late, it's too close to Shabbos to travel. So he never, he didn't give his sons a mussar shmuessen about Shabbos, but they saw it, they saw how he lived it. And by osmosis, I never ever ever saw my father harried before Shabbos. No matter what was going on, he had always begun his hachanos for Shabbos so early, I never ever saw him harried before Shabbos. Children have to see, again, how we. just Torah being taught, they have to see Torah being lived. Thank you very much.