Chatasi Negdi Tamid

The 20 Ikarim that the Rabbeinu Yonah lists in Shaarei Teshuva, the 18th Rabbeinu Yonah writes היות חטאתו נגדו תמיד that the Baal Teshuva should maintain a constant awareness of his chet. כי ראוי לנפש החוטאת לזכור עונותיה תמיד ואל תשכחם. It’s appropriate, it’s fitting that the nefesh maintain this awareness, constantly remember its sins, not forget them. Skipping a line, כענין שנאמר כי פשעי אני אדע וחטאתי נגדי תמיד, as David HaMelech says of himself that he has such an awareness. In general, this one has to keep this in mind in whatever we’re talking about tonight, but in general, in learning about these inyanim, there’s a lot in Hilchos Teshuva and in the machshava of Teshuva which is very, very intense. And Teshuva is an intense process, or at any rate should be an intense and deep process and deep experience. But a person always has to be careful that what he internalizes is only to the degree that he can channel it and experience it productively. There’s no mitzvah for a person to beat up on himself, there’s no mitzvah for a person to Rachmana litzlan make himself feel very, very down. And again, everything we’re saying is if a person can, and to the degree that the person ba’asher hu sham can go through the process productively, in a healthy fashion. So Rabbeinu Yonah says, again quoting David HaMelech, vechatasi negdi tamid, it becomes embedded in one’s consciousness, a part of one’s awareness. Maybe to try to understand what that represents, why it’s appropriate, so maybe we’ll try to approach it from the following angle. Do we find this idea in the Rambam’s Hilchos Teshuva as well? So lefi anyus daati the answer is no. We do find in Perek Bais of Hilchos Teshuva, the Rambam quotes from the Baraisa in Masechet Yoma that

עבירות שהתוודה עליהן ביום הכיפורים זה חוזר ומתוודה עליהן ביום הכיפורים אחר אף על פי שהוא עומד בתשובתו.

In Tash ayin tes, in Yom HaKippurim Tash ayin tes, so we were misvadeh on our chata’im, and hopefully that viduy was a viduy which reflected a Teshuva, and hopefully we’re omed betshuvaseinu, but אף על פי כן, it’s a machlokes in the Baraisa, but the view that the Rambam accepts, it is appropriate for a person even though he’s been steadfast in his Teshuva, it is appropriate for a person to repeat the viduy, shene’emar. And the Baraisa quotes this pasuk already כי פשעי אני אדע וחטאתי נגדי תמיד. So in that sense, what we do see it represented in the Rambam, but still that falls far short of what the pasuk fully means, which Rabbeinu Yonah is quoting. Because when one looks, you notice the following; again, the diyuk already is in the Baraisa, it's not only in the Rambam, the Rambam preserves it. Chazal didn't say, nor did the Rambam elaborate the words of Chazal to say that, ich veis, if a person teshuva is not a mitzvah which is limited to Yom HaKippurim, it's not limited to Aseres Yimei Teshuva, it's not limited to Chodesh Elul, it's something which is perennially relevant and operative. And nevertheless, Chazal don't make this recommendation that a person the rest of the year should be misvadeh on aveiros for which he's already done teshuva, for which he's omed biteshuvaso.

עבירות שהתודה עליהן ביום הכיפורים זה חוזר ומתודה עליהן ביום הכיפורים אחר.

So apparently this inyan of repeating the viduy for old aveiros, for past aveiros, even though the person is omed biteshuvaso, is something which is meyuchad to Yom HaKippurim. Why is that? So here too, the lashon k'midumeh is already in a different sugya there at the end of Yoma, which the Rambam has as well. So the Rambam in the previous halacha here writes,

יום הכיפורים הוא זמן תשובה לכל ליחיד ולרבים והוא קץ מחילה וסליחה לישראל לפיכך חייבין הכל לעשות תשובה ולהתודות ביום הכיפורים ומצות וידוי יום הכיפורים שיתחיל מערב היום קודם שיאכל.

And then the Rambam describes the viduy in Mincha before seuda ha'mafsekes, and then the ten times over the course of Yom HaKippurim. But what's so striking again in Chazal and the Rambam is this phrase of מצות וידוי יום הכיפורים. It's not just that there's in conjunction with teshuva a person is supposed to be misvadeh on Yom Kippur; there's a special inyan of viduy. There's a special inyan, a special mitzvah. The Rambam labels it a mitzvah, again al pi the sugya in Yuma. There's a special מצות וידוי יום הכיפורים. The Rav has in Al HaTeshuva that there's a viduy which is triggered by teshuva, but then there's also a viduy, a second type of viduy, a viduy of kapara, a viduy which is triggered by the fact that Yom HaKippurim עיצומו של יום מכפר, and that also triggers a chiyuv to be misvadeh. And this notion of being misvadeh on old aveiros is part of that special mitzvas viduy of Yom Kippur. So the fact that we find the Rambam, again al pi the Baraisa, quoting כי פשעי אני אדע וחטאתי נגדי תמיד in this context is not the broader context of the pasuk of Dovid HaMelech; chatasi negdi somid isn't limited to Yom HaKippurim, it means tamid. So does is that idea reflected in the Rambam? Now, it's true that Rabbeinu Yonah in his twenty ikkarim is including not only what's me'akev in teshuva, but what's needed for an optimal teshuva, even though it's not me'akev, hanhagos of a baal teshuva; all of these are reflected. reflected in the ikkarim but אף על פי כן David HaMelech is the role model for teshuva. Kapitel nun-aleph where this phrase of the posuk of כי פשעי אני אדע וחטאתי נגדי תמיד is drawn from is the kapitel of teshuva. Shouldn't it be reflected in the Rambam? Later in perek zayin, the Rambam writes that baalei teshuva דרכם להיות שפלים וענוים ביותר. Baalei teshuva are characterized by their excessive sense of shiflus and anava. What does it mean to be and for that matter, how is it possible for baalei teshuva to be shfelim vaanavim beyoser? The Rambam as you all know famously writes earlier in Hilchos Deos that

יש דעות שאסור לו לאדם לנהוג בהם בבינונית אלא ירחק עד הקצה האחר.

There are some character traits where a person is not supposed to combine the two extremes and chart the middle course, אלא ירחק עד הקצה האחר. A person is supposed to go all the way to the extreme. The first of those two traits is vehu gova lev. A person is supposed to go all the way to the opposite extreme away from arrogance, from haughtiness. שאין הדרך הטובה שיהיה אדם ענו בלבד. The good, the correct path is not simply that a person should be humble, אלא שיהיה שפל רוח ותהיה רוחו נמוכה למאוד. But he should be exceedingly, exceedingly humble.

לפיכך נאמר במשה רבינו ענו מאד ולא נאמר ענו בלבד. ולפיכך צוו חכמים מאד מאד הוי שפל רוח. ועוד אמרו שכל המגביה לבו כפר בעיקר שנאמר ורם לבבך ושכחת את ה' אלקיך. ועוד אמרו בשמתא שיהא בחרם דאית ביה גסות הרוח,

a person who has haughtiness, veafilu miktzasah. So everyone is supposed to be a shofal vaanav beyoser. So how can a baal teshuva surpass that? How can a baal teshuva go beyond? That mandate exists even for the chasid mine'urav. משל למה הדבר דומה. Imagine you have a person and he was once in a state of real peril, sakanas maves, sakana gedola, and his friend saves him. His friend jumps in and saves him from what otherwise would have been certain death. So what are his feelings? He has feelings of gratitude, of indebtedness. He owes him everything. Unbounded gratitude, unbounded indebtedness. He literally owes him everything. Well what will happen if some weeks later this same individual again finds himself in dangerous, perilous circumstances, again facing certain death, and the same chaver saves him again? So what's going to happen? Is it going to be well, he already maxed out on the sense of gratitude and indebtedness that he's capable of? So eichshehu the sincerity and the genuineness of the original profound unbounded gratitude and indebtedness, it intensifies. It does intensify. There may not be anything more that he can do. There may be not, but in terms of the feeling, the attitude, the mindset, it does intensify. Everyone, even without cheit, everyone is supposed to be shafel v'anav biyoser because as Moshe Rabbeinu says in reflecting that shiflus and anav me'od is venachnu mah. Our life is a gift. Our existence is a gift, and not a gift to which we were entitled, not a gift of which we were deserving. Just pure gift. Even once having been given existence, our existence isn't our own. We exist from, through Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The nimshal to having one's life saved by a chaver. Obviously every mashal in such context by definition is totally inadequate. But then when a person rachmana litzlan is chotei, so really, as the famous Yerushalmi says, הנפש החוטאת היא תמות. Really he should forfeit his life. To be mamreh pi Hashem, to go נגד הקדוש ברוך הוא, it becomes the analog, the nimshal, to one's life being saved a second time by the same chaver. And eich shehu, it is possible and it does happen just as in the mashal that the gratitude, the sense of gratitude and indebtedness was the maximum that it could be and אף על פי כן it becomes intensified. So the same thing can potentially happen and does happen for amitishe ba'alei teshuvah, those who are zocheh to that designation. They taka become shfeilim va'anavim biyoser. So what is it then that's the source of the shfeilim va'anavim biyoser? V'chatasi negdi samid. And that's the positive, constructive religious force of v'chatasi negdi samid that it yields and it generates what's the truest feeling that a person can have of shafel v'anav biyoser. A person is never as happy, never has a sense of serenity or tranquility as great as when he's living in an amitishe fashion. Rambam goes on to talk about how the ba'al teshuvah, if people are mivazeh them b'ma'aseihem harishonim, shomeia v'sameach. The genuineness of that experience of being שפל ועניו לפני הקדוש ברוך הוא is one which yields simcha. But the shofel va'anov is where Dovid HaMelech's chatosi negdi somid is reflected and where it echoes in the Rambam. Puk chazei rabbosai and with this we'll conclude. Dovid HaMelech also tells us

זבחי אלהים רוח נשברה לב נשבר ונדכה אלהים לא תבזה.

That pasuk appears in the same kapittel, kapittel nun aleph, some pesukim after the chatosi negdi somid, and yitachein that part of the pshat in the kapittel is that it's the chatosi negdi somid which helps generate and sustain, again, a religiously healthy lev nishbar venidkeh and helps sustain this existential state of שפלים וענווים בכל עת.