Continuing to Grow While Facing Adult Priorities & Pressure

Thank you Mrs. Schneidman, Shoshana Schechter, Mrs. Schneidman, Mora D'Asra. If you think back to your childhood for a moment, probably many, many of you played a game that children like to play. They like to play dress up. The little boys put on their father's hats and the father's jackets and even if later in life they don't end up wearing a kapota, at least at that point in life they're wearing a kapota. And the little girls put on their mother's high heels and the mother's sheitel and they parade around in that outfit. As children we can't wait to grow up. We crave the independence of adulthood. When we arrive at that stage and we become adults, so then we discover that there are no free lunches in life. Adulthood does confer independence, but it also imposes increased responsibilities. And clearly the two primary responsibilities which come with adulthood is that of ol haparnasa, the need to make hishtadlus to earn a living, as well as the responsibilities which come with family life beyond the financial implications of that. So that poses the question tonight, at least the topic of the first half of tonight's TorahWeb, of how do we continue to grow in avodas Hashem while encumbered with increased and increasing responsibilities? Now not surprisingly, our masorah recognizes both of these nisyonos, both of these challenges. The Rambam writes in Hilchos Talmud Torah in Perek Aleph that

כל איש מישראל חייב בתלמוד תורה בין עני בין עשיר בין שלם בגופו בין בעל ייסורין.

Every man is obligated in the mitzvah of Talmud Torah, be he poor, be he rich, whether he enjoys good health or whether he's afflicted rachmana litzlan with suffering. בין בחור בין שהיה זקן גדול שתשש כוחו, whether he's young in the prime of life or whether he's an older person who's already grown quite frail. אפילו היה עני המתפרנס מן הצדקה ומחזר על הפתחים. Even if, rachmana litzlan, he's so poor, so destitute that he has to go around asking for tzedakah. And then now we reach the culmination:

ואפילו בעל אשה ובנים חייב לקבוע זמן לתלמוד תורה ביום ובלילה.

And even if a person is married and is saddled with a responsibility, with familial responsibilities, he's still obligated in the mitzvah of Talmud Torah. So clearly there is a recognition of the challenge inherent in familial responsibilities. Here the context is Talmud Torah, so it's described from the man's perspective, but clearly that same recognition and acknowledgment is true from the woman's side as well. In the Vidui that the Chayei Adam writes:

אך לחטאי בעצת יצרי הרע כשל כחי לעמד כנגדו ועמל הפרנסה לפרנס את בני ביתי

ve-tirdas hazman u-mikrav heinu hayu be-achray. I merely have followed the counsel of my evil inclination, my strength was insufficient to stand up against it, the burden of earning a livelihood to support my household and the concerns of the time and their vicissitudes have befallen me. So clearly the masorah recognizes both of these challenges. And yet, shtei teshuvos betzido. If on the one hand there's a clear acknowledgment and recognition of the reality of these challenges, on the other hand clearly the context of both of these statements indicates that they're to be recognized as challenges, but challenges to be overcome. But they're not acceptable as excuses for spiritual complacency or spiritual stagnation. The context of the Rambam is that אפילו בעל אשה ובנים is chayav be-Talmud Torah, and the Vidui Haklal proceeds to say that despite the fact that I was carrying the burden of amal haparnasa, I still have to do teshuvah and that doesn't exonerate me from the chata'im. But before we can address these obvious challenges, it's vital that we recognize a more basic fundamental challenge of adulthood. And to do that... Let's go back to yesterday's Krias HaTorah. Yesterday's Krias HaTorah, so the Torah describes how Moshe Rabbeinu after the Cheis Ha'Eigel moved his tent micheutz lamachaneh, menuda lerav, menuda letalmid, if Hakadosh Boruch Hu as it were imposed a certain distance between himself and Bnei Yisrael. Moshe Rabbeinu felt that he had to follow suit. And then the Torah describes that יהושע בן נון נער לא ימיש מתוך האהל, that Yehoshua bin Nun was steadfast, he was always at Moshe Rabbeinu's side. So Yehoshua bin Nun in this context is described as a na'ar. Exactly how old was Yehoshua bin Nun? The Ibn Ezra says he was 56 at the time. It's a little problematic, the calculation is a little problematic. Rashi elsewhere says Yehoshua bin Nun was 42 at the time because there was going to be another 40 years in the Midbar and then 28 years of Yehoshua's leadership of Klal Yisrael and Sefer Yehoshua says that Yehoshua died at age 110. Okay, but even if we say that Yehoshua was 42, he certainly wasn't a kid by any measure or definition of the term. So what does the Torah have in mind when it describes Yehoshua bin Nun as a na'ar? So the Ibn Ezra says that the way that the pasuk should be understood is יהושע בן נון היה עושה מעשה שירות נער, that Yehoshua bin Nun took upon himself to carry out the duties of an attendant which we generally associate with a na'ar. And that's what it means. The Ramban says that in general he thinks that the word na'ar not only connotes a youth or a lad, but the term na'ar also connotes someone who's a mesharet, someone who's an attendant, someone who's meshamesh someone else, so the word na'ar connotes that as well. Over Shabbos, someone mentioned that Rav Simon has in a sefer, I wasn't able to see the sefer so I can't quote what he says but it triggered an association in my mind of something that the Rav writes in his hesped for Rav Chaim Heller. The Rav writes in his hesped for Rav Chaim Heller how the Torah is concerned that we have to retain youthfulness. The Rav quotes the pasuk כי נער ישראל ואהבהו, the pasuk of הבן יקיר לי אפרים אם ילד שעשועים, how Hakadosh Boruch Hu refers to Klal Yisrael as being young. Young not in a chronological sense, one can't remain young forever in a chronological sense unless your first name is Peter and your last name is Pan, but otherwise it doesn't really happen. One can't remain young in a chronological sense, but one is a na'ar, one can remain a na'ar in a qualitative sense. In the sense of retaining a certain youthful quality. And the Rav goes on to explain how qualities of youthfulness are absolutely crucial for avodas Hashem. So I copied down a few of the phrases that the Rav has there in the hesped. He speaks of the sakranus temimah, the innocent curiosity of a youth. The hislahavus tiv'is, the natural zeal and enthusiasm. The chipazon im menuchah, the sense of urgency, right, kids can't wait, kids have to do things right away, that sense of urgency and restlessness. Subsequently he refers to the emunah peshutah, the simple faith and the hispailus, the hispallut, the excitement of youth. And then the last association which he refers to in speaking of youthfulness is a capacity for bechi, a capacity for crying. That children have a capacity to cry, adults often lose that capacity. A person davens, a person needs to have that capacity to cry. So in light of the Rav's discussion and I was told that Rav Simon has something similar in his sefer, I didn't see it, so יהושע בן נון נער, so the Torah isn't describing Yehoshua in a chronological sense as a na'ar but rather that Yehoshua bin Nun, the steadfastness with which he would cling to his Rebbe, to Moshe Rabbeinu, that he retained that sense of youthfulness. I think in particular in our context it's important to emphasize that as youths so we dream and we have shaeifos, we desire, we have goals, we have aspirations, whether the aspirations are in terms of learning, in terms of what a person is going to accomplish in learning, whether the aspirations are in terms of tikkun hamiddos, in terms of refining our character. Too often as we grow older, if we don't fulfill this challenge, if we don't answer the call of retaining that quality of a na'ar, of like Yehoshua bin Nun at age 42, at age 56, being a na'ar, so the result is as we grow old, so then we stop to dream, we stop to aspire to great accomplishments in Torah, and we sort of stagnate in terms of tikkun hamiddos. Too often, the same pettiness and flaws which plague us at age 25 are present undiminished and perhaps even stronger at age 45 or 65. And the reason for that is because at a certain point this secret which the Rav shared with us, the need to remain a na'ar, the need that when one transitions to adulthood, so the Torah tells us that adulthood is not supposed to supplant youth, but it's supposed to supplement youth. We're supposed to have the wisdom and maturity, but that shouldn't displace or replace again the youthful enthusiasm, the youthful shaeifos, and the youthful determination to accomplish in Torah, in tikkun hamiddos, in avodas Hashem. So the first yesod, the first principle in transitioning to adulthood is that adulthood should supplement childhood rather than supplant childhood, that we have to continue dreaming, we have to continue aspiring, we have to continue reaching, we have to continue working on ourselves. But all of this brings us back to the original question. So how do we find time to implement that? How do we find time to carry that out given the increased and certainly for a couple of decades increasing responsibilities of adulthood? So first of all, taking time out as we're doing tonight is in itself a crucial first step in that direction. Let me explain. The Torah says in the beginning of Parshas Vayeitzei, ויצא יעקב מבאר שבע וילך חרנה. So Yaakov Avinu left, Yitzchak, Rivka told him to go away, he's running away from Eisav, he's going to go live with Lavan, on the way he stops off Beis Medrash of Shem v'Ever for 14 years.

ויפגע במקום וילן שם כי בא השמש ויקח מאבני המקום וישם מראשתיו וישכב במקום ההוא.

Rashi quotes from Chazal that v'yishkav bamakom hahu, that Yaakov Avinu lay down to sleep bamakom hahu, but the entire 14 years that he was learning in Beis Medrash of Shem v'Ever he never lay down. I don't know if Chazal are necessarily implying that he didn't sleep, but to the extent that he slept, shinas hasus, like the Gemara says about Dovid HaMelech, he chapt a dremel over the ksaf, over the shefshtaitza. So the question is so what happened tonight? All of a sudden 14 years of accumulated fatigue overwhelmed Yaakov Avinu, so he felt he had to go to sleep, and once he sleeps it just so happens that he dreams. So l'chora the relationship is inverted, that the fact is that Yaakov Avinu mistama if he was such, if he exhibited such gevura that for 14 years lo shachav, he could have maintained it a little bit more. Yaakov Avinu purposely lay down to sleep in order to dream. It's not that he lay down to sleep just because he was succumbing to fatigue and then mimeila once he was sleeping so then he had a dream. No, Yaakov Avinu lay down to sleep in order to dream. Why? Because a dream represents a blueprint for the future. If it's not an idle dream, if the person is committed to implementing a dream, so then a dream is a blueprint for the future. Yaakov Avinu understood that if a person is going to be confronted with a new series of challenges, he's going to move to a different stage, maybe even geographically, a different place in life, and there he's going to... To encounter new challenges, if a person just plunges in headfirst without stopping to think and strategize how am I going to cope with these challenges, so then before he knows it, he's gonna be he's gonna be swept away by by the tide. Yaakov Avinu recognized that his whole life until now he had been sheltered either in יעקב איש תם ישב אהלים, either with his father Yitzchak or in Beis Midrash of Shem and Ever, he had never ever had to deal with the type of challenges that were coming his way when he was going to go live with Lavan HaArami. So Yaakov Avinu knew that he had to have a plan, he had to have a dream, he had to have a blueprint for how he would be able to not only cope but even continue to grow and and thrive in in these adverse circumstances. In order later Parshas Vayishlach to be able to say עם לבן גרתי ותריג מצוות שמרתי, Yaakov Avinu felt that he needed to have a plan. So the first thing is that when a person is transitioning at any at any stage of life, whenever there's a transition, so a person has to stop and and take a moment out to try to plan and strategize how it is he or she is going to deal with those new challenges which which are impending. So step number one is is to to craft the plan, is to take the time to recognize the need for a plan, for strategies to craft the plan. Now everything in life requires Siyata DiShmaya. A person can't do anything on his or her own, everything requires Siyata DiShmaya. So the truth is there's one generic piece of advice with which you can never go wrong, and that is whenever there's anything we're trying to accomplish, a person has to daven, Siyata DiShmaya is is needed for anything and everything in life. And certainly this is also an instance of that. A person wants to be able to continue to to to grow as an Oved Hashem even again when when assuming the responsibilities which come his or her way with adulthood, a person has to daven, a person has to ask the Ribbono Shel Olam for Siyata DiShmaya. But in this area there's another another way which the Ribbono Shel Olam tells us that we can secure Siyata DiShmaya. And that is the Mishna says in Pirkei Avos that

כל המקבל עליו עול תורה מעבירין ממנו עול דרך ארץ.

That to the degree that that a person genuinely sincerely accepts the Ol Torah, to to the degree that that a person genuinely sincerely tells the Ribbono Shel Olam that I want to carry, I want to bear the yoke of Torah, so to that degree the Ribbono Shel Olam will see to it that the Ol Derech Eretz, that that all of these myriad responsibilities which otherwise would prevent his assuming the Ol Torah, the Ribbono Shel Olam will facilitate it. So clearly clearly if we want to to be able to to continue to grow in our Avodas Hashem, to be able to have that opportunity to grow, it requires a sincere commitment, a sincere Kabbalah of the Ol Torah. Now closely related to to this to the assumption of the Ol Torah is that the demands of Derech Eretz to a large extent are dictated by the standard of living that we adopt. It's a very very simple calculation that the the higher standard of living that a person's going to live, so then the more he's gonna earn, the more he's gonna have to earn and the the greater the demands of Derech Eretz are going to be upon him. Clearly a life of Torah, a life of Avodas Hashem has to be a life of histapkus bemoat. Many many maamarim from Chazal, from the Chachmei HaMasoret throughout the generations about the need for being mistapeik bemoat, to to be content with what's enough, content with with a little. From the Gaon it's quoted that bitachon and histapkus המה כללים לכל המידות הטובות. That bitachon trust in Hakadosh Baruch Hu and histapkus and and and making making do and being content with with the minimum that these are the foundations for all midos tovos. Now in in this context in this context it's especially important to obviously this is relevant in every context as well but especially in this context the community in which a person lives. is very, very important. A person lives in a community where the standard of living is very high, so then there's a certain pull and the pressure to try to maintain an equal standard becomes very great. And we shouldn't underestimate the effect that the societal influence can have upon us. The Rambam begins in, what is it, Perek Hey or something of Hilchos De'os, how human nature is such that we're influenced by our surroundings, we're influenced by the society in which we live. And certainly when choosing a community to live in, so certainly one major, major factor to be taken into account is to what extent one will be surrounded by like-minded people, people who are looking again to live a life of Avodas Hashem, which to be successful has to entail, has to be built upon a foundation of histapkus be'muat. A similar concern and a similar factor Chazal say that a father should teach his son and hence, by extension, the son should choose for himself an umnus kala u'nekiya. So what umnus kala u'nekiya presumably means bizman hazeh, not too many Jews become blue-collar laborers, so in that sense the kala u'nekiya is somewhat of a given, but what umnus kala u'nekiya means is that there is a flexibility within that umnus, within that profession, that a person doesn't have to be committed b'lev vanefesh that his career is the focal point of his life. There's some jobs that demand it, there's some jobs that are built upon the assumption that one's career and that one's work life are the focal point of one's life. Then histapkus be'muat in terms of how much a person earns becomes impossible because there are no in-betweens. It's either, it's either work, I don't know how many hours a day, 14, 16 hours a day, ein hachi nami. So if one would have the time, so one could tally up a very impressive salary, but it doesn't allow for the flexibility to be histapek be'muat. So that's so if a person wants again to successfully transition to adulthood and to have the time and the wherewithal to continue to grow in Avodas Hashem, so one has to choose one's profession accordingly. It's not only a question of choice of profession, but often it's a question of a track within a certain profession. Sometimes the profession itself is not automatically conducive or incompatible with growth, growth in Avodas Hashem, it's what track a person takes within Avodas Hashem. I'm no expert in this field, but certainly let's say if you talk about law, there are some tracks, there are some avenues within law which are much more demanding than others, there are some which really become the focal point of your life and you can't really succeed, you can't undertake to do it unless you're willing to make that commitment, and others, you can make a parnassah. And others, you make a parnassah. So both the choice of profession as well as the track within the profession have to be decided upon with these values in mind. When one is beset by other responsibilities, responsibilities which can potentially sort of tear a person away from his moorings, so it's very, very important that a person be anchored. A person has to be anchored. And one of the main anchors is kvi'as itim la'Torah. Kvi'as itim la'Torah, the Shulchan Aruch and Poskim discuss, means not only that a person has to set aside a certain amount of time both every day and every night to learn, but it has to be a particular time. It should be a particular time. Not just that sometime between amud hashachar and shkia, so I'll find however much time I can to learn, but it should be at a particular time. What that accomplishes is two things, shnayim she'hem echad. First of all, it shows a certain chashivus, it shows a certain importance. There are certain things that I don't know, I think the president... probably meets with his chief of staff every morning or something and he meets the vice president or his whole cabinet on a regular basis something which is a regular absolute part of the schedule shows the absolute importance which it which it possesses. But in addition to that the fact that the kevi’as itim is a sacred inviolable commitment not only that I’m going to learn but I’m going to learn at a particular time it serves as an anchor. What it means is is that I can't get carried away if again as part of the dream when when one lies down to sleep when one is on the threshold of adulthood on the threshold of of entering the workplace and one says that come what may so there's gonna be I’m gonna daven at the six o'clock minyan and then I’m gonna learn minimally for an hour before I go to work so it means no matter what it means that even if there's a a an a meeting which could happen at eight o'clock which might be very lucrative a person has an absolute an absolute commitment. The Mishna Berurah quotes I’m reading this as it's quoted in the Sefer Darshehu Vehegei. The Mishna Berurah quotes from the Korban HaEdah on the Yerushalmi and zeh leshono:

אין אני מבטל השעה שקבעתי ללמוד התורה בשביל הרווחת ממון.

The times that I set aside for kevi’as itim again specific hours not just every day every night but specific hours:

אין אני מבטל השעה שקבעתי ללמוד התורה בשביל הרווחת ממון.

I I won't let anything interfere with that even if I stand to make a very a very handsome profit. Why?

אם ראוי שיבוא לי ריווח יבוא הוא מאליו מהקדוש ברוך הוא אף לאחר שאגמור קביעות לימודי.

Ribono Shel Olam if he wants to if he wants to give me this this income the Ribono Shel Olam wants me to earn this extra money so he doesn't need to interrupt my seder in order to in order to write the check. Ribono Shel Olam will find a way to deliver the check to me even if I don't interrupt my regular morning or or night seder. So the kevi’as itim for Talmud Torah again not only that a person commits himself to learning but at specific times anchors him anchors him. Similarly a commitment to tefillah betzibbur also keeps a person firmly anchored and doesn't allow again the very real demands of the of the workplace to allow him to start drifting spiritually. One of the the most important principles in in life that Rambam quotes from the mishna in Pirkei Avos of

וכל מעשיך יהיו לשם שמים. וכל מעשיך יהיו לשם שמים

means that the artificial distinction that we draw between learning doing chesed davening as being involved in avodas Hashem and all the mundane areas of our life as time diverted from avodas Hashem is just that. It's an artificial distinction and it's wrong. וכל מעשיך יהיו לשם שמים means that a person should calculate and calibrate everything he or she does that everything is done leshem shamayim. Everything is done leshem shamayim. The Rambam says if a person does that so then it's possible that every single activity in which a person engages will takeh be an act of avodas Hashem. Now again this isn't a a sort of this isn't a way of of of saying well I want to engage in in such and such a behavior so I'm gonna do it leshem shamayim. No it means that general genuine sincerely a person really decides what to do initially based on מה ה' אלקיך שואל מעמך. But if a person does that so then it's a totally artificial distinction and then a person is involved in in childcare. Time which which which is spent nurturing and and raising children is certainly something which a person genuinely can do leshem shamayim and a person should recognize it as such. A person should recognize that that too is is a form and expression of avodas Hashem. And as such it has a double effect. First of all it has the effect that often what's enervating about the responsibilities that we assume in adulthood is the sense of frustration of so much of our time being diverted away from avodas hashem. If we have the correct conception of what avodas hashem involves and we genuinely try to look at our schedules accordingly, so then there's no reason any legitimate responsibility, be it parnassa, be it dealing with the children, any legitimate need, any legitimate responsibility is one which the Torah wants us to assume and therefore that too is a part of our avodas hashem. And the fact that a person does it leshem shamayim elevates it to avodas hashem and that too is then elevates the person and means that the person is constantly involved in avodas hashem and moreover, the other benefit is that often the transition, let's say after a long day, whether it's a long day caring for children, whether it's a long day at work, whatever the case may be, so when one does have some free time so it becomes difficult to transition and to take advantage of that time to learn or to be involved in some other more intrinsic form of avodas hashem. But that's only if all day long one has a sense of having been away from avodas hashem so then one feels sort of empty at the end of the day. If בכל מעשיך יהיו לשם שמים, a person all day long has been involved in avodas hashem. It could be yeah, it could be he was coming home on the subway, it could be that it was time spent in the sandbox with a toddler, but it was leshem shamayim, it's a legitimate responsibility, it's something, it's a responsibility hakadosh baruch hu wants us to assume, now the person's been involved in avodas hashem, there's a positive momentum all the time. A person has that positive momentum then it's easier to take advantage of those hours when the responsibilities allow us to open a sefer and allow us to daven. Just to review very quickly before concluding, any venture, any attempt requires siyata d'shmaya. Here that entails tefillah as well as being mekabel ol torah, histapkus bemuat to have a truly moderate lifestyle, to choose umanus kala unekiya, to make sure that we're anchored, that there be certain sacred commitments which serve as anchors in our lives to tefillah, to learning, בכל מעשיך יהיו לשם שמים. In conclusion, at the outset we spoke about the quality of being a naar, a youth, that יהושע בן נון נער כי נער ישראל ואהבהו. The importance, the indispensability of retaining youth, that we shouldn't allow ourselves as we become chronologically older to become ossified. By having dreams to continue to grow in learning, that helps galvanize us to action, but the truth is that the involvement with Torah and avodas hashem is the best way to stay young. And the reason for that is as follows. hakadosh baruch hu is lemala min hazman. hakadosh baruch hu is eternal, hakadosh baruch hu existed before time was created. hakadosh baruch hu when he created the world, he created time. hakadosh baruch hu is lemala min hazman. What's lemala min hazman doesn't age, hakadosh baruch hu doesn't age. When chazal say that אשר אנכי מצוך היום על לבבך that בכל יום יהיו בעיניך כחדשים, so the sefas emes comments so what, the Torah wants us to play a mind game, a pretend? Let's pretend that the Torah is new, let's pretend that the Torah is not thousands of years old. So he says no, if the Torah wants it to be be'eineinu kachadashim, it's because that's a reality, because it really is as vibrant and fresh as it was the day it was given from Har Sinai. How is that possible? Because if the Torah is ribono shel olam's Torah, the ribono shel olam is lemala min hazman. What's lemala min hazman doesn't age, so there's a constant hischadshus. It's not subject to aging, hakadosh baruch hu is not subject to aging, his Torah is not subject to aging. So to the extent again that as we initially transition, so we remain steadfast and stay connected to Torah, to talmud Torah, to a life of avodas hashem, so that connection with the ribono shel olam... ensures that we retain that quality of Na'arut, that that youthful quality of dreaming, of working on ourselves, of striving to become closer and closer to the Ribbono Shel Olam.