Chinuch Habanos: What Should We Want for Our Daughters?

Thank you very much, B'reshus harabbanim, morai verabbosai. One finds himself clearly in an enviable position speaking here. I don't see any clock, but there seems to be no limitations on how long one can speak. I'd like to begin just with a few programmatic remarks. The truth is, in talking about inyanei chinuch, one should really give a series of three talks. There should be one talk which focuses on chinuch in general. There are many elements of chinuch which are common to chinuch habanim and chinuch habanos, many elements of chinuch where one doesn't draw distinctions between educating boys and educating girls. And then of course there are elements which are gender-specific, which would occasion a second and third talk on chinuch habanim and chinuch habanos respectively. We're fast-forwarding to the third talk. 45 minutes is not a very long time, so I don't presume to be comprehensive, but just to try to focus on some elements. Not necessarily that these elements are only present within chinuch habanos, but the degree to which they're present and how they should be cultivated. There is something distinct and distinctive about chinuch habanos as opposed to chinuch habanim. I'm not going to engage in either apologetics or polemics, but just to try to sketch a vision, again, an incomplete vision for chinuch habanos. The Torah community is a polychromatic one. By no means is it monolithic. And as a result, whenever talking about inyanei chinuch, one can't present a vision which in all respects will be universally applicable. And that's certainly true tonight. Some of the aspects, some of the elements we'll discuss, B'ezras Hashem, are universal, and others are only appropriate and relevant for certain communities within that polychromatic spectrum. And one last programmatic comment. I have a gift in speaking of putting people to sleep. The peak that I achieved was one year in shiur when I was taking the roll; there was a guy whose name was somewhere in the middle of the alphabet; by the time I got to his name, he was already asleep. So usually it takes a little bit longer, but I certainly have such a gift. I would ask you, maybe if you want to grab a cup of coffee or something, maybe make an effort to hear the whole presentation because, in some ways, it's an indivisible whole. Even though each element can sort of be separated out and discussed individually, but משפטי השם אמת צדקו יחדיו, the element of the righteousness of Mishpatei Hashem is only when they're seen as the indivisible whole that they're intended to be. So without any further ado, the Rambam hilchos teshuvah presents the principle of the bechirah chofshis, of free will, in a remarkable fashion. The Rambam writes that man, woman, is unique in that

שהוא מעצמו בדעתו ובמחשבתו יודע הטוב והרע ועושה כל מה שהוא חפץ.

Man of his own accord, through his own understanding and thought, can recognize, can discern good from bad and do what he wishes. In other words, what's so remarkable about the Rambam's presentation is that bechirah chofshis for the Rambam doesn't just entail free will, the freedom to choose what to do, but it also reflects a capacity which each of us has to be able to discern and recognize and discriminate good from bad. It's not only when good and bad are set out for us, when we're spoon-fed and we're told this is good and this is bad, so then we can exercise our bechirah chofshis accordingly, but rather

ממנו לדעת טוב ורע שיהיה מעצמו בדעתו ובמחשבתו יודע הטוב והרע,

that we have an innate ability, an innate capacity. to recognize, to appreciate, to discern and recognize the difference, identify what is good and what is bad. Now what's so crucial about this formulation of the bechira chofshis, the practical implications is that the depth of our understanding determines the degree of resolve. Again, that the depth and clarity of our understanding determines the degree of resolve. Now let me try to illustrate what that means with the following mashal. Imagine you have a father blessed with three sons, ages 3, 7, and 17. And for whatever reason, one day the father decides that he needs to keep, from here on in, he needs to keep a loaded gun at home. So he brings home the loaded gun, he calls the kids in and tells them in the strongest terms that under no circumstances are they to go anywhere near the gun, and if he ever catches any of them even in the vicinity of this gun, so they're going to face the harshest of punishments. And he reads them the riot act, the 3-year-old, the 7-year-old, the 17-year-old. And each one of them on his own level understands what the father is saying. The 3-year-old understands that parents have all kinds of funny rules. When you eat, they want you to wear a bib, and every day or two whether you want to or not they plop you into the bathtub. So they have all kinds of funny rules. So now the father just came up with another funny rule, that you're not allowed to play with this gun. The 7-year-old understands that this rule is more serious, there's something more serious and significant at stake here that he certainly doesn't fully appreciate the consequences. The 17-year-old understands exactly what's involved. The 3-year-old is clearly the one who's most likely to violate his father's admonition. The 7-year-old is going to be in the middle, and unless the 17-year-old decides to act very, very perversely, it's virtually guaranteed that the 17-year-old will adhere and will comply with his father's wishes, his father's command. So what this illustrates is that again, what was said before, that the depth of understanding one has will determine the degree of resolve to do what's good, to do what's right, and to avoid, to abstain from what's wrong, from what's bad. To apply the Rambam's profound insight to our topic, in Western society the traditional roles of wife and mother are grossly undervalued, and thus an essential part of chinuch habanos is not simply to educate our daughters to assume and discharge their responsibilities as wife and mother, but to teach them to appreciate the importance and beauty of these roles. To appreciate that the kochos hanefesh within women which allows them to fill and fulfill the roles of wife and mother, kochos hanefesh of love and chesed, but also kochos hanefesh of a didactic and inspirational sort. Let's perhaps review a sampling of sources. The Medrash Rabbah in Parshas Yisro on the pasuk of כה תאמר לבית יעקב ותגיד לבני ישראל, famously identifying Beis Yaakov as referring to the women and Bnei Yisroel as referring to the men, says that Hakadosh Baruch Hu tells Moshe Rabbeinu that he should address the women first in giving the Torah and presenting the Torah because they're going to be responsible, they're the ones who will assure that the Klal Yisroel as a whole will observe and remain faithful to the dictates of Hakadosh Baruch Hu's Torah. The Chazon Ish is quoted as saying that the mother has a greater ability to instill and inspire ahavas haTorah in the children than the father. The Vilna Gaon writes in his commentary to Sefer Mishlei that אביו הוא מלמדו תורה. The father teaches him Torah, the mother is the one who guides to fulfill mitzvos and go on the straight and just path. With your permission, I'll quote some very beautiful and inspiring words of Rav Soloveitchik at some length. People are mistaken in thinking that there's only one Masora, one tradition and one Masora community, the community of the fathers. It's not true. We have two Masoros, two traditions, two communities, two Shalshelos HaKabbalah. The Masora community of the father and that of the mothers.

כה תאמר לבית יעקב ותגיד לבני ישראל. שמע בני מוסר אביך ואל תטוש תורת אמך,

counsels Shlomo HaMelech. What's the difference between these two Masoros, traditions? What's the distinction between Musar Avicha and Toras Imecha? Let us explore what one learns from the father and what one learns from the mother. One learns from the father how to read a text, Tanach or Gemara, how to comprehend, how to analyze, how to conceptualize, how to classify, how to infer, how to apply, etc. One also learns from father what to do and what not to do, what is morally right and what is morally wrong. Father teaches the son the discipline of thought as well as discipline of action. Father's tradition is an intellectual moral one. That's why it's identified with Musar, which is the biblical term for discipline. What is Toras Imecha? What kind of a Torah does the mother pass on? I admit that I am not able to define precisely the Masoretic role of the Jewish mother. Only by circumscription I hope to be able to explain it. Permit me to draw upon my own experiences. I used to have long conversations with my mother. In fact, it was a monologue rather than a dialogue. She talked and I happened to overhear. What did she talk about? I must use a Halachic term in order to answer this question. She talked me-inyana d'yoma. I used to watch her arranging the house in honor of a holiday. I used to see her recite prayers. I used to watch her recite the Sidra every Friday night, and I still remember the nostalgic tune. I learned from her very much. Most of all, I learned that Judaism expresses itself not only in formal compliance with the law, but also in a living experience. She taught me that there's a flavor, a scent, and warmth to Mitzvos. I learned from her the most important thing in life: to feel the presence of the Almighty and the gentle pressure of His hand resting upon my frail shoulders. Without her teachings, which quite often were transmitted to me in silence, I would have grown up a soulless being, dry and insensitive. The laws of Shabbos, for instance, were passed on to me by my father. They are part of Musar Avicha. The Shabbos as a living entity, as a queen, was revealed to me by my mother. It is a part of Toras Imecha. The fathers knew much about the Shabbos. The mothers lived the Shabbos, experienced her presence and perceived her beauty and splendor. B'ezras Hashem, we will return in a little while and offer hopefully another enriching, supplementary perspective on domestic and maternal responsibilities. The Maharal writes in Gevuros Hashem, Rav Pinkus quotes this in one of his shmuessen:

הרי שנשתבחו האמהות בפרט בצניעות כי עיקר שבח האשה ומדרגתה העליונה לה היא הצניעות.

The matriarchs are praised in particular with regard to tzniyus, because the primary praise of a woman and the highest—and her highest achievement—is in the realm of tzniyus. Tzniyus ought to be a defining religious quality and aspiration of the Bas Yisrael, and naturally by extension, a priority within chinuch habanos. Before we nod our heads, partially in agreement, partially dismissively, simply repeating soundbites even when true is neither particularly illuminating nor inspiring. Let's take a few minutes to probe what tzniyus means, etymologically, behaviorally, and most importantly, essentially. Etymologically, both... In Lashon Mikra, in Tanach, as well as in Lashon Mishna, in Mishnaic Hebrew, lehatznia means to hide. In Sefer Yehoshua we read the pasuk ותקח האשה את שני האנשים ותצפנו that she took the two men and hid him, them. The Mishna in Pesachim talks about yanichenu betzinah, putting something aside in a hidden area. And thus behaviorally, tznius expresses itself in quiet, refined, unassuming, modest behavior and dress. But what's the essence of tznius? In the Rav's by now famous halakhic terminology, the ma'aseh hamitzvah, the modest behavior and dress are outward expressions of tznius. But what's the kiyum shebelev, what's the inner driving religious emotion and content of tznius? There's a very cryptic braisa which appears in Maseches Brachos. The braisa teaches that אין קרוא צנוע אלא מי שצנוע בבית הכיסא that one can only be described as being a modest person if he, she conducts him, herself modestly in the beis hakisei, in the bathroom. What are Chazal teaching us? The beis hakisei is a totally private place, and I think in archaic English it's referred to as the privy. What's more, it's a place where a person must to a degree expose himself. Not a place that we would associate with tznius because after all, we go unobserved in the beis hakisei. And yet Chazal say that it's precisely one's conduct in the beis hakisei, one in the bathroom which is the litmus test for whether or not the person is genuinely tzanua because while other people don't observe us there, Hakadosh Baruch Hu does. And this then is the secret of tznius. Tznius means a constant awareness of being in Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence always, in all places. Tznius is not a sense of modesty vis-à-vis others, rather awareness of Hakadosh Baruch Hu evinces an attitude of modest reserve and restraint. Self-effacing behavior associated with tznius reflects deference to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Tznius is a fulfillment of Dovid Hamelech's personal credo and universal challenge for all of us שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד. It's not enough to teach our daughters to act and dress modestly, we must share with them as well the beautiful religious content and experience of tznius. Understanding and sharing the understanding of tznius is crucial. Not only does it infuse tznius with deeper meaning and significance, it really transforms the entire experience of tznius. Tznius practically predominantly translates into negative terms: not to reveal certain parts of the body, not to call attention to oneself. And yet the experience is holy, with and without the w, is wholly positive. Give a mashal for from another area of halacha. Aveilus, Rachmana litzlan, mourning, consists primarily of issurim, of prohibitions. The avel, Rachmana litzlan, is supposed to abstain from washing, bathing, haircutting, applying oils to the skin, etc. Of the eleven minhagei aveilus, again, primarily prohibitions. And yet aveilus is a mitzvas asei because conceptually, experientially, the person is... actively mourning for the departed relative. So even though the nihugim, even though the manifestation, the practices may consist of abstinence and abstentions, the kiyum, the experience is very much a positive one. And the same is true with tznius. Modest behavior and attire doesn't suppress, rather it expresses beautifully and with sanctity a sense of reverence and awe in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Well let's now revisit, as we said we would, the roles of wife and mother. The understanding of tznius that we tried to provide provides an important perspective on that as well. Awareness of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, of being in Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence, which is the essence of tznius, it's that which elicits, which prompts, which invites the unassuming, self-effacing behavior. The self-effacing, unassuming quality of tznius is what allows a woman as a wife and a mother to assume a supportive, facilitative role. The profound religious emotion and posture of tznius allow a woman to assume the role of Rachel to her husband's Rabbi Akiva role. The deference ultimately though is to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and reflects an awareness of His omnipresence. Tzniutdik self-sacrifice in reality is an important form of religious expression and self-fulfillment. But a woman's role is not merely supportive. Her religious expression and fulfillment comes not only through sacrifice for family. A woman's religious fulfillment also comes through independent religious activity and thus chinuch habanos must focus on that aspect as well. A primary channel for women's religious experience is tefillah. My father ztz"l was wont to say that there are no coincidences. And thus, it's certainly not a coincidence that Chazal point to Chana and Tfillas Chana as a paradigm for tefillah. Many halachos are gleaned from the Tanach description of Chana's paradigmatic tefillah, especially significant in our context, the requirement of kavana in tefillah is derived from the Tanach depiction of Chana's tefillah. Clearly the message is that women have a special koach hatfillah, a special capacity for prayer and accordingly we should certainly be mechanech our daughters to cultivate that capacity. This is neither the time nor the place to review the dispute amongst the poskim or the relevant sources. Suffice it to say we enrich our daughters' lives immeasurably by being mechanech them to daven three times a day. Tefillah is not simply a mitzvah, it's a mainstay and anchor of religious life and experience. And that's true in at least two senses. First of all, tefillah reminds us of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It's a mitzvah whose purpose in the words of the Rambam, כדי לאהוב המקום ולזוכרו תמיד, that we should love Hakadosh Baruch Hu and remember Him always. That's its goal, that's its purpose. Tefillah is a form of avodah shebalev, worship of the heart, because we desist from all other activities and thoughts and focus all our physical and mental energies upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד, which lies at the core of tznius, is an awareness of Hashem while involved in other activities. Tefillah focuses exclusively upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Tefillah is so central for a second reason as well. Tefillah reminds us of our dependence upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. We ask Him for everything not for the purpose of self-gratification, but rather to acknowledge and reinforce our awareness of our absolute dependence upon Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Thus, we immeasurably enrich our daughters' lives by, at the appropriate age, being mechanech them to daven three times daily. But we also have to be mechanech them, possibly we have to be mechanech ourselves first, how to daven. First of all, to daven slowly. Shulchan Aruch says that one is supposed to pronounce the words of tefillah as one counts money. You ever go to a bank teller and you ask for a hundred dollars in twenties and the bank teller's giving you five twenties, so they pay five twenties and then they take their hand to the sponge and then they check the five twenties again and they feel it and they tap it and then they're finally assured and reassured that they're giving you five twenties and not more. People count money very carefully. Shulchan Aruch says we're supposed to pronounce the words of tefillah as we count, as we count money. Chinuch as to how to daven, to pronounce the words slowly, but also to say the words thoughtfully. The challenge of remaining focused in tefillah, a challenge which is common to banim, banos, anashim, nashim can be met be'ezras Hashem by simply, simply saying the words thoughtfully. Built into our tefillah is constant reminders. As it were, Chazal barrage us with reminders of what tefillah is. Because when you think about it, there's a remarkable feature in our tefillah. When talmidim commonly address their rebbeim, so they speak to them in deference in the third person. They don't have the, they're not, they're not intimate enough with the rebbe. The מורא רבך כמורא שמים precludes their speaking to their rebbe in the second person. But what do we do in davening? Baruch atah Hashem, a liberty that we don't allow ourselves in, in talking to, to a rebbe, to a teacher. So Chazal not only allow us that liberty in davening, but they mandate that liberty. Why? When do you use the second person? When you're talking to someone who's here, right in front of you. If I'm talking to someone who's not here now, I can talk about him or her in the third person. To speak in the second person, whoever I'm addressing, whoever I'm speaking to, has to be right here in front of me. Every time, every time we say the word atah, if only we say it slowly and thoughtfully enough to allow its meaning to register, so we're reminded of what tefillah is. That we're addressing the Ribbono Shel Olam, that we're in His presence, He's right here and we're addressing Him. Every time we say the word atah, every time we say a verb which is conjugated in the second person, mimitrayim ge'altanu, every, every word constantly reminded. We have to be mechanech to daven three times, to daven slowly, to daven thoughtfully. With your permission, in speaking about tefillah, I'd like to add, I'd like to share the following personal reflections and reminiscences. Tefillah is central to our daughters' lives. Women have a special connection to tefillah. As such, we ought to raise the bar. If Shabbos morning a daughter is at home helping out, maybe it's with younger siblings, maybe it's with preparations for the Shabbos meal later, and because of that comes late to davening, tavo aleha beracha, tavo aleha beracha. But if that's not the case, there's no reason that we should have lowered expectations for our daughters. Why shouldn't they demonstrate the same appropriate reverence for tefillah? Who comes late for an audience with the Ribbono Shel Olam? Barring domestic responsibilities, the same way it's inappropriate for our sons to come late to davening, I don't see why it's any more appropriate for our daughters to come late to davening. Another reflection if I may. In Europe, the minhag was that single women didn't go to shul. And you see this reflected in the halakhic literature. For instance, the Magen Avraham, Hilchos Megillah, writes about reading the megillah at home for the single women. My grandmother, alah hashalom, told me that homiletically, they used to, they used to teitsch the pasuk שמחתי באמרים לי בית ה' נלך. Samachti, I would rejoice, beomrim li, when finally I heard the הרי את מקודשת לי when I got married because now, beis Hashem neilech, now we can go to shul. The minhag was that single women didn't go to shul. In some Torah communities, that may still be true. And even if it isn't true about shul attendance on Shabbos, it may be true about shul attendance during the week that the minhag, the minhag is not to go. But in other Torah communities, it seems to me that there is no such minhag. In some of our Torah communities, it would seem that women coming to shul on weekdays wouldn't represent a breach in tznius. They go everywhere else, why not to shul? One doesn't need to posit that a woman is obligated in tefillah b'tzibbur. Even without such an obligation, tefillah is greatly enhanced by davening in shul with a minyan. One gains the opportunity to answer Kaddish, Kedushah, Barchu. Women can and should enter and leave quietly, modestly, through the women's entrance. They can daven modestly in the ezras nashim. But why shouldn't we educate our daughters to take advantage of the opportunity of tefillah b'tzibbur? Again, obviously if they're oskos b'mitzvah at home, they should continue to pursue that mitzvah. But in communities where it doesn't represent a breach in tznius, why shouldn't tefillah b'tzibbur be on the radar screen? My grandmother, alah hashalom, was a very, very traditional, very, very frum, very, very pious woman. The excerpt which I read you before was from the Rav's hesped for her. She used to daven b'tzibbur three times a day. More recently and more famously, the saintly Rebbetzin Kanievsky, once her children were grown, also davened b'tzibbur, as is well known. Why not educate our daughters to emulate such wonderful and saintly role models? Rabbenu Bachya in Chovos HaLevavos comments on the pasuk in Sefer Devarim תמים תהיה עם ה' אלקיך. He explains how is one tamim, how is one complete with Hakadosh Baruch Hu? One devotes all one's kochos to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Not just the evarim, not just one's limbs are in the service of Hakadosh Baruch Hu through action, but the levavos as well, the heart and mind are also harnessed in one's avodas Hashem. This mandate, this mitzvah applies to men and women equally. Let's speak for a few moments about the place of Talmud Torah in chinuch habanos. Keeping in mind, as mentioned at the outset, that not all elements of tonight's discussion are uniformly true across the polychromatic spectrum of Orthodoxy. Now's not the time or place to review the relevant halakhic literature. Suffice it to say that nimnu vegamru, there is a consensus with the Chofetz Chaim as the rosh hamedabrim heading that consensus, that Chazal's directive about not teaching our daughters Torah was not intended for our age. Additionally, if we recognize the relevant requisite ability and bent, we should in a quiet tzniut'dik fashion go beyond the least common denominator. We should in a carefully individualized modest basis, focusing upon Tanach and Machshava, usher our daughters into the rich and fascinating religiously multi-dimensional world of the Rambam, Maharal, Meshech Chochma to give but a few notable examples. Such learning, when appropriate, will add a depth and dimension to our daughters' religious experience, indeed their lives. Now, there's no blurring of lines here. Men are obligated in Talmud Torah and they're governed by a prohibition of bittul Torah. And we must certainly educate our sons in that vein. Women are not obligated in Talmud Torah. Hence, are certainly not subject to any prohibition of bittul Torah. But as appropriate, on a carefully individualized basis, they stand to be enriched by the type of divrei Torah mentioned before, and we should educate our daughters in that vein. Now, it's certainly true that after our daughters im yirtzeh Hashem marry and they're blessed with the time-consuming, at times all-consuming, responsibilities of family, they'll have little, if any, time to maintain regular study. But this isn't any reason to deprive them of the enrichment when, while single, they do have the time. Part of chinuch, both chinuch habanim and chinuch habanot, is that at different stages of life the balance within one's avodat Hashem differs. When our sons marry and assume ol parnassa, when they assume the responsibility of making hishtadlut, making an effort to provide a livelihood for their family, they'll also have less time to learn. But surely we seek to maximize when they're not yet at that stage, we seek to maximize their learning, and we educate them, we mechanech them, to learn more hours than they'll be able to learn when they're holding down a full-time job and supporting their families. And there's no contradiction, there's not even any tension in that. Chinuch involves inculcating values. For instance, the importance of Talmud Torah, speaking now about chinuch habanim, the importance of Talmud Torah, the responsibility to make hishtadlut for parnassa, to engage in ma'aseh chesed, and chinuch also involves teaching that at different stages of life we need to adjust the time devoted to each of these values. The lesson should be incorporated within chinuch habanot as well. One last point before concluding. Bittul Torah doesn't apply to women and obviously has no place in chinuch habanot, but bittul zman does. Life is precious, every day, in fact every moment, a unique opportunity for avodat Hashem. Yikrut hazman, the preciousness of time, is not only a value in chinuch habanim to whom the issur bittul Torah is relevant, but it's also a value in chinuch habanot as well. The notion of carpe diem, or seize the day, for our daughters need not manifest itself in Talmud Torah. Expressions can and should be much more varied, but time, life, is no less valuable for our daughters than for our sons. And as part of chinuch habanot, we should try to instill the value of yikrut hazman, the preciousness of time, in our daughters. Of course, our daughters, like our sons, need time to relax and as is age-appropriate enjoy themselves. It helps develop a sense of simchat hachayim. But when the and there's extra time, make the most of it. Perhaps they should say a kapitel Tehillim, perhaps do a chesed. If they're not aware of the chesed that needs to be done, if appropriate, perhaps open a sefer. But make the most of time. The Vilna Gaon is quoted in the little sefer Even Shleimah as saying the following: habanos tzarich lehadrichan, daughters need to be guided, need to be taught, אשר בשבת קודש ובעתות הפנאי, on Shabbos and during the week, during free time, תהיינה עוסקות בספרי מוסר. They should grab a line, they should make the most of the time. The Gaon's particular instruction is to learn sifrei mussar. The vision of chinuch habanos which we've tried to sketch is incomplete. I hope that we've at least faithfully illumined a few important aspects of chinuch habanos. May Hakadosh Baruch Hu grant that we dedicate, rededicate ourselves to chinuch habanos, raise a generation of nashim tzidkaniyos, whose zchus will help hasten the geulah, bimheira biyameinu amen.